Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think doing the "right" thing has bitten us firmly on the bum

398 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 14:07

Earlier in the year I became concerned that my DS 14 was getting involved in drugs. I searched his room, talked to him at length, talked to the school, made referrals for local support services and engaged with our multi-agency referral unit to set up as much help as possible. DS maintained he wasn’t doing anything wrong and the other adults/ professionals believed him but after a week of raising concerns and talking regularly with school pastoral team, I found some cannabis in his room.

I contacted the various agencies I’d already made contact with, told them the situation had escalated and asked for help. I told school and I took the drugs to the Police Station. I self-referred to Social Services and asked for help there too.
All of which I truly believed to be the right thing to do. The full stop that he needed and a strong message to whoever was supplying the weed that this boy has a parent that won’t turn a blind eye and brush this under the carpet.
Three days later, he was suspended from school and the following week, permanently excluded.

The Headteacher sited the school policy that considers anything to do with drugs to be a reason for permanent exclusion on a first offence and that was that.

I’ve already been to the Governors appeal and they upheld the HT’s decision. Reason again being that the policy states this a circumstance where the HT can choose to permanently exclude a child.

I’m now awaiting the opportunity to appeal to the Independent Board at the local authority.

The police aren’t charging him. He had no drugs on him in school.

He’s got a pending ADHD diagnosis and has experienced 4 of the 10 Adverse Childhood Experiences so has measurable childhood trauma.
At school he had a great record, is predicted 6-7’s at GCSE and was well liked by all his teachers.

The whole experience is so incredibly far from what I thought would happen.

Our social worker, the police and other professionals on the original strategy board all believe this to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

My son has been groomed to do this and despite all the extenuating circumstances the school have simply washed their hands of him.
As it stands now, he has been out of education for over 7 weeks and there is nowhere else for him to go. None of the Pupil Referral units have any space because the number of children being excluded has skyrocketed and the Local Authority don’t have capacity to despite their legal responsibility to provide education.

I’ve waited weeks before posting here as I really hoped I’d be able to sort it out but it’s like banging my head on a wall.

Does anyone have any experience of the independent review stage or advice that could help me source any kind of education provision for him.

Edited by MNHQ: OP has asked if readers wouldn't mind reading her update to the thread before commenting - she apologises for the unintentional drip-feed here. Thanks, all.

OP posts:
dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2024 15:20

Wow , you REALLY over reacted there and it has spectactularly backfired.
I appreciate that you were trying to do the right thing but how about looking out for your son as well?
He is 14 and this will affect him badly.
I am pretty anti drugs and have a low threshold for illegal activity but I would no way have reacted like you did over a small bit of pot

LittleLittleRex · 19/03/2024 15:21

What were your initial concerns, as it sounds as if you just wouldn't believe him and think you were proved right by finding some weed. If you only found a bit of cannabis, I think reflecting on how important you find it to be right and if you can often admit to being wrong. Why do you think he's being exploited? Without this information, it doesn't really make sense.

To try and re-establish some trust between you, I think you need to hold up your hands to him and say you made a mistake, that the school have probably excluded him to get rid of you, not him, and he has done very little wrong, you are so so sorry. Then work with him to get him into the best possible school (not keep fighting the one that has had enough of you).

He might be vulnerable, but this has made him more so - I hope you are managing to fill him time and social life while he is off school and keep up his education. Best of luck and well done on posting, even when you knew it looked bad for you.

RoomOfRequirement · 19/03/2024 15:21

OneTC · 19/03/2024 15:10

What were you expecting to happen you absolute muppet?

I was going to type a long response but honestly this covers it.

Your son made 1 minor mistake and you made several. You through him under the bus and it's your own bad parenting that has caused this. Your response was insane.

CantDealwithChristmas · 19/03/2024 15:22

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

OOOOHHH-KAAAYYYY that changes everything. That's a lotta lotta weed. Yes I can better understand why you did what you did.

My advice: solicitor, your MP, challenge the independent board decision. In meantime get a tutor and push for school place.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/03/2024 15:22

You have a very troubled young man, for many reasons.

You need to get him back into education. Not the current school but a school.

Phone the lea first thing tomorrow morning and ask which schools within a ten mile radius have space, and then do everything you can to get him into a school with space. Emphasis his projected grades.

The get the relevant textbooks and get him studying

Rabbiehdbek · 19/03/2024 15:22

Wow. Can’t believe what you did… shocking.

Who I’m their right minds goes to the police and their child’s school over a bit of weed?! Jesus.

TheFancyPoet · 19/03/2024 15:23

so is canabis legal in this country and do you all report anyone who whiffs canabis out of their windows in the hundreds of the thousands daily ?

HighLlamas · 19/03/2024 15:25

OP, that’s a giant drip feed. Surely you can see this completely changes peoples responses to your first post, where it looked as if you had wrecked your DS’s education because he’d experimented with a few puffs?

CormorantStrikesBack · 19/03/2024 15:26

Yeah if you were worried he was dealing and potentially country lines type scenario I can see why you did what you did. Maybe a new start at a new school would be beneficial for him. I’d be tempted to move to a different part of the country if at all possible, cut all ties with the area.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/03/2024 15:27

Actually I agree with the poster who suggests moving entirely, making a truly fresh start somewhere else in the country

Saschka · 19/03/2024 15:28

Massive dripfeed if you’ve got evidence he’s dealing for an older gang, and potentially has been for a long time (those vapes). Also it isn’t surprising the school kicked him out given the history there, he was obviously already on thin ice.

Honestly OP your best bet is probably to relocate if you can, and to give him a fresh start somewhere else, with a new crowd. Would that be an option for you?

LittleLittleRex · 19/03/2024 15:28

I'm sorry for cross posting - it sounds a horrible situation.

It still sounds like looking for a different school and a fresh start would be the best approach for him.

PeppermintPorpoise · 19/03/2024 15:29

dontpokethemommabear · 19/03/2024 15:17

Yes I guess there is a massive drip feed.

I didn't go into all the other background stuff as we are where we are. What I was hoping for was some advice on appeals.

Thanks to all the kind, empathetic people who've called me stupid etc. Excellent work there on building people up when they're in need.

His father was abusive, alcoholic and eventually removed by the police 6 years ago, when my sons were 5 and 8. We all had family therapy via DV charities and Barnados.

We've rebuilt our lives or had until DS turned 13 and changed overnight it seemed into a completely different boy.

I've spent the last 18 months learning about the teenage brain and trying to support him. He was displaying more and more ADHD traits and his behaviour at school was briefly problematic last spring when he appeared to be involved in an older gang who were asking him to deliver vapes to other kids. He and another friend did this for a few days before being caught. The other friend had a terrible record at school and this was the final straw for him. My DS was the year below and seemed that he was just trying to fit in.

The school insisted that he name all the other children that he'd given vapes to and one of the names was a child who's parent works in the school (in Safeguarding)

My son was subsequently bullied and ostracised by this boy and his entire year group. He had no friends and no one in his corner through the summer term and the holidays when he started hanging out with even older kids of 16/17.

On returning to school in september he was still desperately unhappy and refusing school... I was working with school, he was allocated a youth worker and by November was in a better place although by this point we were aware he was smoking cannabis occassionally as he said it calmed his mind and he was feeling really angry a lot and self-harming by punching walls/doors.

Despite these emotional and mental health challenges he was still doing well in school when he would go in and as I said in OP, all teachers liked him, he's a smart and lovely boy. But troubled. I was keeping the lines of communciation open between school, his youth worker and me. I've been completely open about all the previous childhood trauma and his emerging neurodiversity.

After Christmas, his behaviour got more extreme and he started saying things and doing things that made me more concerned that he was doing more than smoking a bit of weed. Which is where I started my OP... I was very concerned that he was dealing or running for someone so I put all the support in place I could think of.

I spoke at length with a mum of a now 22 year old crack addicted lad who started running at 14 and her advise was get every bit of help you can in now while he's still young enough to have to listen. If he's 16 it will be too late. Her boy has been in prison twice now and she said if she had her time again then she'd have gone heavy at the beginning instead of trying to deal with it herself.

I sat him down and chatted about what he was up to, he swore blind he wasn't doing anything... but I knew there was a difference.

So I took to checking his room. 3 days nothing. Day 4, a new bag. With 10g of weed all divided up ready to deliver.

So at that point it was imperative to act. I couldn't just bin it. That would have potentially ended him up in debt to dealers.

I couldn't tell him in case he ran away to them and got sucked in deeper.

I did what I had been told was the right thing and what I felt was the right thing given the escalation of the situation over many months.

I've just written another essay here and have to go on a school run for my other son so I apologise for the drip feed but the bare facts still remain the same.

The bare facts do not remain the same at all. The context written here changes the entire story.

FloofyBird · 19/03/2024 15:29

The LA have a statutory duty to provide suitable full time education. Find a send education solicitor and ask them to write you a pre action letter for judicial review,

Chocochoo · 19/03/2024 15:30

OP I suggest asking MNHQ to add a banner/a message in your OP with the information you’ve provided in the second post - ie that he is involved in supply. It is extremely relevant and you’ll just have tonnes of people telling you you’ve overreacted.

With that new information, whilst I appreciate the back story, I am not surprised he has been excluded and I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. I think you need to assume he won’t be going back to school and work with all the relevant agencies to ensure he is still educated. Can you home educate? Pay for tuition?

I’m really sorry this has happened to you OP.

Baileyqueen · 19/03/2024 15:30

HighLlamas · 19/03/2024 15:25

OP, that’s a giant drip feed. Surely you can see this completely changes peoples responses to your first post, where it looked as if you had wrecked your DS’s education because he’d experimented with a few puffs?

Exactly what I was thinking. Why do people drip feed.

RhubarbGingerJam · 19/03/2024 15:31

My advice: solicitor, your MP, challenge the independent board decision. In meantime get a tutor and push for school place.

Actually wonder if a different school would be better given the issues and bullying - a new start especially if you do get a ADHD diagnosis.

TextureSeeker · 19/03/2024 15:33

Well if your son is a drug dealer like you say then he probably deserves to be expelled tbh. I would have moved his school a long time ago before this escalated to where it has and my kid became involved in gangs. I think like someone else said a fresh start somewhere else entirely sounds like the best move for him now. You've known for a long time that his school wasn't the right place for him, maybe this is the push you both need to change things.

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 19/03/2024 15:34

Of course the massive drip feed adds an extra dimension to your actions. Obviously, he can't return to his old school for many, many reasons. The earth has been salted there, he'll either get drawn back in or so bullied that he'll be miserable, and any chance of good grades are the last thing he'll be worried about.

You need proper advice regarding accessing DS assessment, and education options from the education authorities. You probably won't find this on MN, only possible anecdotal advice. Good luck OP.

Here2agreewithOP · 19/03/2024 15:34

Come on people! It was clear from the first post that it wasn't just a bit of weed. Op stated that social services thought he was being groomed!
I hope you and your son get the support you need 💐

Here2agreewithOP · 19/03/2024 15:38

Our social worker, the police and other to be a case of Child Criminal Exploitation which I agree with.

Right there, in the first post ^

nottoooldsurely · 19/03/2024 15:38

I mean it all sounds a bit over the top could you not have tried to impose sanctions and spoken with him about what could happen first?
I mean I realise you meant well but you've completely ruined his education and dinged him in to the authorities at the first step.

nottoooldsurely · 19/03/2024 15:41

Ok just read updates you seem to make a lot of excuses for him too

Spirallingdownwards · 19/03/2024 15:41

OK so now the drip feed and actually explained he was dealing that does rather change things doesn't it?

Why do you think a school that already gave him a chance when he was supplying and dealing vapes who have a zero drugs tolerance policy would not expel your drug dealing son?

Personally give up in the appeal and seek alternative arrangements for his education.