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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
neverenoughplants · 22/03/2024 23:19

@Tessa00 I hope you're doing OK. Please try not to feel bad about the timing of this - at the end of the day, he was treating you badly long before his dad died. These recent events just happened to be the final straw, but to be honest, I think you would have broken up with him eventually. You don't owe him a well-timed breakup, partly because there is no perfect time anyway, but mostly because you don't owe it to him to keep putting up with his poor treatment of you until it's a convenient time for him. You deserve much better, and I hope he apologises eventually (even if that's a futile hope!)

Tessa00 · 23/03/2024 20:56

Thank you @neverenoughplants.

Everytime my phone makes a noise I think it will be him but over time that will go away. Im glad it hasnt been him in touch but I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 23/03/2024 21:04

Stop caring what he thinks. It doesn't matter. Neither does he.

Acornsoup · 23/03/2024 21:06

I am sure he is only thinking of himself Tessa. Time to focus on you Flowers

neverenoughplants · 23/03/2024 21:17

Tessa00 · 23/03/2024 20:56

Thank you @neverenoughplants.

Everytime my phone makes a noise I think it will be him but over time that will go away. Im glad it hasnt been him in touch but I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now

I can relate to that, it's so difficult and painful, especially when there hasn't been proper closure. However, I think it's very telling that he hasn't been in contact. He was happy to take, take, take from you emotionally without giving anything back, but when you started standing up for yourself, it didn't fit in with what he wanted/expected from the relationship.

I know that saying 'don't worry about what he thinks of you' probably won't help. I had a similar situation a long time ago, and it consumed my mind for months and months after the breakup. I spent so much time worrying that he was thinking badly of me, and wishing we could get back together. But I'm really glad we didn't, because he was an awful boyfriend and it was the right thing to break up (even though it was so painful at the time)

You deserve better, but it's natural to wish that 'better' could come from your ex when you still love them. Remember that every single concern you had was (and is) valid, and you were absolutely correct to raise these issues with him. He is the one who should be worrying what you think of him!

Candleabra · 23/03/2024 22:45

This is why I recommended blocking him on your phone so you weren’t jumping every time you got a message. It’s hard for your body snd brain to recover when you’re on edge all the time. He clearly isn’t bothered.
Hope you’re feeling ok. Try and do some nice things for you as distraction.

FinallyHere · 24/03/2024 07:59

Even if you don't block him, can you mute his messsge so you can be sure any notification that makes your phone beep wont be from him

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Do some things you really really enjoy and book up some time with good friends. All the best.

6pence · 24/03/2024 09:28

Don’t feel bad about not being there for him at this time. You would have been happy to go as his partner. It was his choice to say as friends only, and choices like that have consequences. This isn’t on you.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 24/03/2024 10:59

He is probably convincing himself he is 'right' and maybe even treating himself as the victim. You're better off without his texts or you'll get into a debate with yourself about replying x

Tessa00 · 24/03/2024 11:12

I cant mute because I deleted the contact

I wish our last ever message between us wasnt that I cant attend a funeral. It seems so cutting but I have to remember the reasons.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 24/03/2024 11:22

Your last message was polite and entirely reasonable, not cutting at all. In fact it was more than he deserved.
Yes you do have to remember the reasons OP, you are right.
Think of all the cutting remarks he has aimed at you - there are several you have mentioned on here.
You asserted yourself to make a decision for the best and that’s nothing but a good thing.
When he comes back to work, don’t let him draw you back in. Remain polite and professional.
And keep that list of his cutting remarks to you, in the back of your mind at all times.

EasternEcho · 24/03/2024 11:26

OP, he's the one who put you in an impossible situation of showing up at the funeral and pretending to be a friend, or not going and being made to feel guilty. Either way, he put you in a place where you will end up feeling bad about yourself. This is not how someone you've been in a relationship for a year should be treating you. You will be better off in the long run, I am certain of it. Just keep reminding yourself of the reality of the situation. You stood up for yourself and you should feel proud.

Toothbrushh · 24/03/2024 11:37

Tessa00 · 23/03/2024 20:56

Thank you @neverenoughplants.

Everytime my phone makes a noise I think it will be him but over time that will go away. Im glad it hasnt been him in touch but I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now

NOTHING
HE THINKS NOTHING* *
he is just not that into you
Sorry OP you sound so nice, but stop thinking about him

skyeisthelimit · 24/03/2024 12:09

OP, I do think it would have been awkward for you to attend as his partner. With your updates, it is clear that the relationship wasn't in a good place. He didn't want to introduce you when he clearly didn't know if the relationship was going to continue. If you broke up 2 weeks later then he has to explain that , and its a lot to deal with.

Having said that, he was very wrong to ask you to attend in that situation and to make you feel like that. You did the right thing in not attending.

You say you were sad and trying to fix the relationship, but maybe there was nothing left to save.

He was wrong in keeping you a secret for so long though.

He needs to leave you alone now and move on. If you meet him professionally then hold your head high and be professional. If anyone spouts any crap at you, then put them straight.

80s · 24/03/2024 17:12

I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now
I would guess that half of him is cultivating an image of you that protects his own image of himself and the other half is making secret notes on what to do differently with his next gf.
So the usual. Not worth worrying about. Do you know why it is that you are afraid of other people thinking badly of you? Might be more useful to concentrate on that.

biscuitsnow · 24/03/2024 17:18

I sometimes wonder what he thinks of me now

Who gives a shit? you need to focus more on what YOU think of HIM. Why is his opinion all important and yours isnt?- he's not God. He's a very stupid man to throw away a good person like you and if he carries on the way he was with you, he'll end up alone.

Tessa00 · 24/03/2024 17:21

Thank you

Why does it matter? Because I cared about him and I'd rather end a relationship with closure and not this mess that it turned into

OP posts:
diddl · 24/03/2024 17:25

You have closure though.

You have decided not to carry on with whatever it was that you had with him.

biscuitsnow · 24/03/2024 17:30

Because I cared about him and I'd rather end a relationship with closure and not this mess that it turned into

Closure doesnt come from anyone else- it comes from within. Is there really any explanation he could give you that would make his comment ok? is there any explanation he could give for not wanting to acknowledge you as his girlfriend after a year?

I mean sure, he could feed you some BS about how he's not ready or the comment was "just" a joke but no matter what he says (and remember words are easy) it doesnt mean its 1. the truth or 2. any less hurtful to hear.

True closure comes from a feeling of peace inside that you respected your own boundaries and whilst you may never know what motivates someone else to act the way they do, the closure is simply that it shows you arent right for each other. If he cared for you, he wouldnt have done that, so that means he isnt the one. Thats all the closure you'll need lovely x

Freakinfraser · 24/03/2024 17:40

Op for the record I think well done, you’ve retained your dignity here, I’ve seen too many threads from women who beg for crumbs and who would have been there like a shot and it’s dismaying. He made it clear you were an option. And you grabbed hold of your dignity and said no thanks, I’m the main act, not part of the chorus line, and good for you, when they behave like this, it’s never going to get better.

im sorry this one didn’t work out, but you managed it with self respect and dignity, and that is something you need to recognise is much more Important than being with some bloke who can’t treat you right.

PoochiesPinkEars · 24/03/2024 17:51

Well said @Freakinfraser

BrightNewLife · 24/03/2024 20:11

@Tessa00 Well done for navigating these past few days 🎉

it’s not quite the same, but people leaving abusive relationships can make a “sobriety list” - basically a list of all the bad, hurtful and not great things about the relationship. You turn look at it when you’re tempted to text.

Might be good while you’re still in the zone.

Tessa00 · 24/03/2024 21:00

Thank you. Some terrific insights and yes I will make list. Ive been getting memories popping to me the past few days, good and bad but the bad is stronger

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 26/03/2024 16:21

Today he is 40. I have not received a message since I told him six days ago I wouldnt attend. Im happy I deleted his contact or I would have sent a message. Have moments of thinking I am horrible for not checking hes ok after a death

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 26/03/2024 16:28

Tessa00 · 26/03/2024 16:21

Today he is 40. I have not received a message since I told him six days ago I wouldnt attend. Im happy I deleted his contact or I would have sent a message. Have moments of thinking I am horrible for not checking hes ok after a death

I really wouldn't worry too much if he's ok after a death. Often there are friends and family who will support people and it sounds like he's got lots of these and sadly was just stringing you along.

He sounds like a complete insensitive idiot and I bet his ex-wife has something to say about the way he treated her rather than vice versa. It's almost always the case than when men are bitching about their exes treating them badly, being psychos, then usually that's not the case, or they had good reason to be this way, due to their husbands/partners behaviour.