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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
woahboy · 21/03/2024 20:20

OP you are so strong. And you make smart choices like deleting his contact details and messages.

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 20:47

Thank you!

(Im not strong at all, I'm pretending to be and I'll be back here in a few days when he messages and Im tempted to go back.... 😂)

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 21/03/2024 21:36

You should have blocked before you deleted.

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 22:00

As we will still have some professional relationship I wont block unless things get unmanageable and blocking after a death is a step too far for right now

OP posts:
Candleabra · 21/03/2024 22:06

You can still be professional at work.
You don’t need to maintain personal contact details. Just block him.

ManchesterGirl2 · 21/03/2024 22:16

I agree with you not to block. I think unless someone's abusive or hassling you, it's pretty harsh to go from "we're partners" to "I'm preventing you from contacting me again under any circumstances". I don't really get peoples hunger for it.

Candleabra · 21/03/2024 22:20

ManchesterGirl2 · 21/03/2024 22:16

I agree with you not to block. I think unless someone's abusive or hassling you, it's pretty harsh to go from "we're partners" to "I'm preventing you from contacting me again under any circumstances". I don't really get peoples hunger for it.

It’s not because of that - it’s more to stop you thinking about or checking for texts because there can’t be any. To give your brain time to adjust to no contact. To allow yourself time and space to get over the relationship rather than keep being reeled back in.

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 22:30

Ive never been a blocker so it's not on my mind now, but I understand maybe a need in the future

I imagine hes angry I didnt go/get in touch today so I think he may never message

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 22:33

When we fought in the past he would say 'I would never do that to you' (something simple like needing space from him) so Im building strength by thinking of his atitude towards me in the past so I cant feel to blame

OP posts:
bereft1 · 21/03/2024 23:03

I don't know.

We have recently been bereaved - a close colleague (small closely-working team).
Thankfully neither colleagues, friends nor my husband has objected if I haven't worded texts carefully, or have forgotten to ask them about non-urgent things while away at the funeral. My head really wasn't in the right space for dealing with these things.
Breaking up with someone because they didn't ask you about health stuff while they are away for a funeral, or because the support they need is different to what you wanted to give, seems unreasonable to me

bereft1 · 21/03/2024 23:04

*while they are away for the funeral of a parent

BirthdayRainbow · 21/03/2024 23:05

Way to miss the point @bereft1

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 23:21

Thanks @bereft1, this is something I fretted over and feel terrible guilt for but it came down to far more than that. It highlighted a lot of bad treatment, I was willing to forgive anything due to what happened but those who love me plus Mumsnet opened my eyes

Im very sorry to hear you lost your colleague x

OP posts:
bereft1 · 21/03/2024 23:37

Thanks @Tessa00

Wasn't trying to make you feel guilty - sorry if it came across like that. I just wanted to express how difficult it can be in that 'early bereaved' phase to communicate how you normally would.

Wishing you well.

SleepPrettyDarling · 22/03/2024 00:00

I know where bereft1 is coming from, and when I lost someone close in the past, I said something thoughtless and casual to someone - which I didn’t remember at all, but when gently pointed out to me a few months later, I did remember and was horrified. But that was one conversation in a blur of grief, and in Tessa’s case it was part of a continuum. I think you can rest easy @Tessa00 that you have given this deep consideration, and you’ve done the right thing here.

Tessa00 · 22/03/2024 00:15

I had been sad in the relationship for a while and was trying to fix it. When his Dad died, I tried harder to stay but it feel impossible. He doesnt consider me a partner and Im a people pleaser, but ive become unhapy

I can see how horrible the timing looks from the outside

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 22/03/2024 00:17

And i read the post of the lady whos partner left her when her Dad went to hospital, I never want to be like that man. I have a long list of bad treatment that I havent posted and wont

(Its obvious Im trying to justify this in my own head, as well as to strangers on the net 😂)

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/03/2024 00:23

You don't need to justify it in your head - you KNOW that this was not the relationship you hoped it would be.

2Rebecca · 22/03/2024 00:28

I think if you'd gone you'd have ended up either telling lies all say or telling everyone who asked ""I'm x's girlfriend". "We've ben together about a year" as people chat at funerals. You can't go to a funeral and play let's pretend all day. I'm not sure what role he was wanting you to play.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 22/03/2024 00:35

You were not happy. You tried your best. He may never see that and maybe some others won't, but you'll know and your loved ones will know. Hold onto that in case he tries to throw it back in your face

Eyeroll2024 · 22/03/2024 02:06

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:54

But I also can see that people have very different views on this topic. Which is fine. I need both sides to help

Actually, I think most agree that he is wrong to have hidden you like this and are suggesting you re think things.

"W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now"

He has created the awkwardness by lying and hiding you. Not you. And now he is gaslighting you into being his emotional support human on his terms only.

In my dating days, I expected everyone to know about me within a few weeks of dating any man. Anything else is just odd, particularly now in the social media age.

People show you who they are all the time.

The relationship is not going to progress beyond this and will fade away when he finds someone he wants to introduce to his friends.

Men are just as good as women at communicating what they want and have no problem saying words they wish to say.

By treating you like this he has already communicated what he feels. You are not his partner, you are a woman he sees for sex and support when it suits him.

Edited to add, I see from your updates that you have already figured this out. I'm sorry he treated you like this. Good luck.

And, of course, it's absolutely fine to block him, or not, as you choose. Whatever works for you.

Wouldyouguess · 22/03/2024 05:59

bereft1 · 21/03/2024 23:03

I don't know.

We have recently been bereaved - a close colleague (small closely-working team).
Thankfully neither colleagues, friends nor my husband has objected if I haven't worded texts carefully, or have forgotten to ask them about non-urgent things while away at the funeral. My head really wasn't in the right space for dealing with these things.
Breaking up with someone because they didn't ask you about health stuff while they are away for a funeral, or because the support they need is different to what you wanted to give, seems unreasonable to me

Have you read any pf the OPs posts at all, including the opening? She is not breaing up with him because of an inconsiderate text, but because he has been selfish throughout the relationship, expects her to provide support without giving any, made a disgusting joke about her health, and has been pretending to be mysteriously single in front of his friends for the duration of theit relationship, and now expects her to keep on pretending they are not involved.

swayingpalmtree · 22/03/2024 06:19

Im a people pleaser

OP- really recommend the book "not nice" by Aziz Gazipura. Its a really excellent book about people pleasing and how to deal with it.

Well done for the way you're handling this btw

RampantIvy · 22/03/2024 07:05

@bereft1 please read all of the OP's updates, then you can see just how unpleasant her ex boyfriend has been to her throughout the relationship, not just since his father died.

Globules · 22/03/2024 07:22

In my dating days, I expected everyone to know about me within a few weeks of dating any man. Anything else is just odd, particularly now in the social media age.

Odd for you @Eyeroll2024

Many of us are much more cautious and don't live our lives on SM.