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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 20:53

I just sent this

On reflection, I feel it'd be better if I wasn't there. I hope it all goes as well as it can. I'll be thinking of you all and I hope you can take of yourself as best you can

Am hoping for no guilt tripping now ❤

OP posts:
woahhhh · 20/03/2024 20:55

Feelingstrange2 · 18/03/2024 22:57

OK. It's a bit of a mess because he didn't tell them. But it is what it is.

He's just lost his Dad and his head will be all over the place. You don't have to go, but I would. Don't add to his grief.

Grief shouldn't make you but be able to tell your partner if a year that you love them and are of course in a relationship with them.

He says he can't think right now.

If he has to think whether or not a partner if a year is still a partner then there is something seriously wrong.

Acornsoup · 20/03/2024 21:12

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 20:53

I just sent this

On reflection, I feel it'd be better if I wasn't there. I hope it all goes as well as it can. I'll be thinking of you all and I hope you can take of yourself as best you can

Am hoping for no guilt tripping now ❤

Perfect 👌

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 20/03/2024 21:14

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 20:53

I just sent this

On reflection, I feel it'd be better if I wasn't there. I hope it all goes as well as it can. I'll be thinking of you all and I hope you can take of yourself as best you can

Am hoping for no guilt tripping now ❤

That’s good but to be honest that leaves the door wide open for him to be friends or try the relationship again. If I were friends with him it’d strictly be on a colleagues basis with maybe the odd coffee. But

Whataterror · 20/03/2024 21:18

Apologies if this has already been asked.
OP have you ever met Ws dad? If not why would you go to the funeral of someone you’ve never met?
I read the first few OP posts but didn’t answer my question. I didn’t read them all as there were 52

Bluegray2 · 20/03/2024 21:33

Good reply, there is no need to go into more detail at the moment as he is grieving, ye can discuss the situation some other time if necessary when he has had time to process the death

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 21:42

No @Whataterror. He asked me to attend as support for him

OP posts:
Zonder · 20/03/2024 21:44

Whataterror · 20/03/2024 21:18

Apologies if this has already been asked.
OP have you ever met Ws dad? If not why would you go to the funeral of someone you’ve never met?
I read the first few OP posts but didn’t answer my question. I didn’t read them all as there were 52

Funerals are for the people left behind. I've been to at least two of people I didn't know just to support a good friend.

Whataterror · 20/03/2024 23:28

Zonder · 20/03/2024 21:44

Funerals are for the people left behind. I've been to at least two of people I didn't know just to support a good friend.

First I’ve heard that a funeral is for the people left behind. For me it is for the person who has past and to commemorate/celebrate them. Why would I want to do that for someone I’ve never met?

To each their own, but I would never dream of attending the funeral of someone I’ve never met - that’s just weird to me and a bit ghoulish almost. But maybe that’s just me.
I wouldn’t want or expect any of my friends or acquaintances to attend the funeral of my family to ‘support’ me even though they had never met my family member. Surely I would have plenty of support from people attending who actually knew the deceased.

LenaLamont · 20/03/2024 23:46

Whataterror · 20/03/2024 23:28

First I’ve heard that a funeral is for the people left behind. For me it is for the person who has past and to commemorate/celebrate them. Why would I want to do that for someone I’ve never met?

To each their own, but I would never dream of attending the funeral of someone I’ve never met - that’s just weird to me and a bit ghoulish almost. But maybe that’s just me.
I wouldn’t want or expect any of my friends or acquaintances to attend the funeral of my family to ‘support’ me even though they had never met my family member. Surely I would have plenty of support from people attending who actually knew the deceased.

I agree with @Zonder - it’s for those grieving. I’ve been to funerals to support friends and colleagues.

Zonder · 20/03/2024 23:48

The person who passed doesn't know who is there. The friends and family left behind do.

I understand that it's not your way of doing it but surely you can see many other people do it differently? For example I went to the funeral of the husband of a colleague. I got on well with her and we used to socialise outside of school but never met her husband. I went as her friend, as did several other colleagues. She wanted us there as moral support.

Whataterror · 20/03/2024 23:51

@Zonder
“surely you can see many other people do it differently?”
Yes I can see other people do things differently, I appreciate that, it’s just not something I’ve heard of or thought about before going to the funeral of someone you don’t know and have never met. Just strange to me that’s all.

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 00:04

I have also attended funerals of parents of friends I haven't met and parent of a colleague

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 21/03/2024 02:34

Just to say, I hope you give this man a wide berth, @Tessa00 he doesn't deserve you. You sound like a thoroughly decent person and if he can treat you like this now it's because he doesn't appreciate your qualities and you're wasted on him.

Afforgato2 · 21/03/2024 05:49

I am glad that you have decided to go for a lovely lunch instead

You deserve much better friends

He has other family & friends who can support him

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 10:00

Thank you people who replied. I'm sad that the family lost their Dad but on personal note I feel so much lighter today with my decision. I know its been a controversial topic

He didnt reply which I'm thankful for

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoreenergy · 21/03/2024 10:27

It's very refreshing @Tessa00 to see someone on here actually listen to all the support and advice given and act on it.
Good for you and I hope that there are many better things to come for you with or without a partner in it.

CorylusAgain · 21/03/2024 10:33

Well done @Tessa00
I know this has been hard on you but I'm so glad to hear you feel lighter having taken control.
I wish you well

Globules · 21/03/2024 11:34

Here I am, crazy busy at work, and my brain keeps drifting back to "it's w's dad's funeral today"

So strange how the brain works.

Enjoy your lunch today. I'm glad he's not replied. I'm glad you feel lighter about your decision. It's a great place to be in.

Now @Tessa00 , onward and upward!

AnneKipankitoo · 21/03/2024 16:58

Hope you enjoyed your lunch @Tessa00

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 21/03/2024 17:23

You've done well to walk away and the fact your body feels lighter means your body is telling you it was the correct decision. Over time he will come back I bet and you will be tempted so remember this thread and the strength you have today x

Saschka · 21/03/2024 18:44

Whataterror · 20/03/2024 23:28

First I’ve heard that a funeral is for the people left behind. For me it is for the person who has past and to commemorate/celebrate them. Why would I want to do that for someone I’ve never met?

To each their own, but I would never dream of attending the funeral of someone I’ve never met - that’s just weird to me and a bit ghoulish almost. But maybe that’s just me.
I wouldn’t want or expect any of my friends or acquaintances to attend the funeral of my family to ‘support’ me even though they had never met my family member. Surely I would have plenty of support from people attending who actually knew the deceased.

I feel the same - sadly every funeral I’ve been to has had some obvious uninvited freeloaders who didn’t know the deceased and who were clearly just there for the free food and drink. I would never want to be at a funeral and have anyone else thinking “who the fuck is that and why is she here?”

Obviously I’m aware other cultural norms exist, but that’s mine.

Acornsoup · 21/03/2024 19:20

I will be thinking about you tomorrow OP. It's been quite a week for you. Watch out for the major hoovering over the next week or so.

Tessa00 · 21/03/2024 19:40

Thank you @Acornsoup

I had to Google hoovering! Still no messages

Tempted to say thinking of you, but I've deleted his number/deleted our year of messages so the temptation cant win

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 21/03/2024 19:57

Stay strong @Tessa00

You have got this.