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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 20/03/2024 14:22

Can't attend funeral am dusting my eggs.

SwingTheMonkey · 20/03/2024 14:28

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:08

He just replied 'will I see you at the funeral?' 😟😕😪

This is the perfect time to reply and say

“On reflection, I feel it’d be better if I didn’t come. Your focus needs to be on yourself and your family and our complicated situation will add stress where there shouldn’t be. Take care of yourself.”

Lollypop701 · 20/03/2024 14:34

You are less available and he’s picking up the rope again… let him go

swingthe monkey offered a great response

Todaywasbetter · 20/03/2024 15:15

OP I think you want to go to the funeral. You don’t have to tell mumsnet if you do.

betterangels · 20/03/2024 15:27

Ghostgirl77 · 20/03/2024 12:30

He realises you’re not running after him and boosting his ego as much as usual and now he’s going to try and reel you back in by telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

The “dusty eggs” comment was the real him. Don’t be fooled.

So much this. Please think more of yourself than keep running after him.

diddl · 20/03/2024 15:36

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 14:08

He just replied 'will I see you at the funeral?' 😟😕😪

Why would you not just reply "no" and then block?

Are you hoping that this current "interest" from him might mean he will introduce you as his girlfriend if you do go?

He has shown you how horrible he is even before his dad died.

That is really him.

AnneKipankitoo · 20/03/2024 15:39

I like @SwingTheMonkey ‘s response. Be kind to yourself too.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 20/03/2024 15:59

I think 'dusting your eggs' has to be one of the most insensitive and cruel comments I've heard on MN here.

But as @diddl and a few other posters have said, he's been nasty and mean even before his dad died and I really wouldn't give him the time of day after this. You owe him absolutely nothing. Don't worry about the colleagues/coworkers you share either. Sadly there are quite a few men out there who are like him so it's not just you.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 16:04

For those asking, I still held out hope he would apologise and ask me to attend as a partner. I am now 100 percent not going, have cancelled my days leave from work and have made nice lunch plans

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 16:38

I think @SwingTheMonkey your reply is excellent

They are at a family dinner/mass until this evening so I plan to send it after that, when he might have more head space. I'm having dinner with friends which is good as I know he is going to say something emotional and defensive

OP posts:
BusyMummy001 · 20/03/2024 16:43

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 16:04

For those asking, I still held out hope he would apologise and ask me to attend as a partner. I am now 100 percent not going, have cancelled my days leave from work and have made nice lunch plans

Treat yourself to a lovely lunch and maybe toast the near miss you’ve had. I know it was a hard decision, but many of us think it was the right move for you.

As someone who had fertility issues (5 miscarriages between DD and DS), if I had heard him say what he did, nothing would have stopped my fist from flying - for me, for you and for all the women he maligned with that remark. My lovely sister met her current man in her late 30’s and is now engaged after a wonderful loving, supported/supportive and exciting 7 years. There’s a gem of a man out there waiting for you, and you deserve him.

Globules · 20/03/2024 16:56

IMO, swingthemonkey's response gives him another way in to attempt to discuss things. Talking about a complicated situation adding stress means you're opening a conversation about why it's complicated.

Just shut him down @Tessa00

Take the control back.

" Hi W. I've decided that I won't be coming to your dad's funeral. I hope all goes as well as you've planned for. Take care. Tessa"

It says:
I'm not coming.
I don't need to discuss why.
And if there's anything else you think you need to discuss with me, then that's on you to bring it up, not me.

Then mute.

Enjoy your lovely lunch tomorrow.

And only unmute at a time you feel ready to look at his response(s).

SwingTheMonkey · 20/03/2024 16:59

@Tessa00 I hope you meet someone lovely in the future who is deserving of someone like you. Please just stay away from men you think you can fix!

Moanycowbag · 20/03/2024 17:02

I think his message asking if you were coming is more a fishing expedition so he can prepare himself rather than asking because he wants you there, sorry.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 17:29

@BusyMummy001 I'm sorry if it was triggering and I'm glad you have two lovely little people now. Thanks for your message x

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 17:32

@Globules I really like that response, thank you for writing it. I think it will probably be more along the lines of what I write. Bringing in the word complicated to the message was worrying me a bit

OP posts:
Scirocco · 20/03/2024 17:52

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 17:32

@Globules I really like that response, thank you for writing it. I think it will probably be more along the lines of what I write. Bringing in the word complicated to the message was worrying me a bit

After reading what he said, I retract my previous advice. To the bin with him. ASAP.

minthybobs · 20/03/2024 18:19

Globules · 20/03/2024 16:56

IMO, swingthemonkey's response gives him another way in to attempt to discuss things. Talking about a complicated situation adding stress means you're opening a conversation about why it's complicated.

Just shut him down @Tessa00

Take the control back.

" Hi W. I've decided that I won't be coming to your dad's funeral. I hope all goes as well as you've planned for. Take care. Tessa"

It says:
I'm not coming.
I don't need to discuss why.
And if there's anything else you think you need to discuss with me, then that's on you to bring it up, not me.

Then mute.

Enjoy your lovely lunch tomorrow.

And only unmute at a time you feel ready to look at his response(s).

I like this response too.

Just be prepared that a man like him who likes to be in control may well start up with the emotional manipulation straight afterwards.

Eg “why aren’t you replying to me?”
”I can’t believe you’re doing this to me after my dads funeral”
”I thought you cared/ were caring”
”I was wrong about you - you’re just like my ex”
”I’m so upset - don’t you care?”

Blah blah fcking blah. Do NOT take the bait. You have been nothing but supportive and kind to him. Stay calm no matter what he says and grey rock him into oblivion. He’ll be looking for an emotional response from you so he can manipulate you again. Don’t let him. Stay strong and focused on your goals and the fact you deserve better.

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 18:34

@minthybobs these sentences sound very like him. I could be wrong, this time he might be too distracted and just say no problem. It's the reason why I've thought about just not replying

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 20/03/2024 18:39

these sentences sound very like him.

Because they aren't original. They have been trotted out time immemorial by manipulative men like him.

minthybobs · 20/03/2024 19:01

RampantIvy · 20/03/2024 18:39

these sentences sound very like him.

Because they aren't original. They have been trotted out time immemorial by manipulative men like him.

Exactly! Plus he will probably try several tactics:

sympathy first- eg I’m just so upset, I haven’t been able to sleep etc

then cajoling - eg oh come on don’t be silly, let’s just forget all this and go out to dinner

leading to anger and fury - eg I can’t believe you’re behaving this way - what’s wrong with you?!!

He’ll try each one to see which one provokes you the most. I suspect OP you’re the most sensitive to accusations that you don’t care and that he’s in emotional pain as you come across as a very empathic person. Remember that it’s not all about him- you have every right to want and have an equal, mutually supportive and kind relationship. It does not make you uncaring or unkind if you keep this as a firm boundary.

Toothbrushh · 20/03/2024 19:14

HowToSaveAWife · 20/03/2024 14:10

"Fortunately not dickhead, maybe invite coworker with less dusty eggs?"

Or something to that effect...

Omg I love you

Toothbrushh · 20/03/2024 19:15

Tessa00 · 20/03/2024 16:38

I think @SwingTheMonkey your reply is excellent

They are at a family dinner/mass until this evening so I plan to send it after that, when he might have more head space. I'm having dinner with friends which is good as I know he is going to say something emotional and defensive

Block. Him. Fgs
stop being so considerate of his feelings

AnneKipankitoo · 20/03/2024 20:49

You are so right @Globules .
We try to be so kind all the time.

woahhhh · 20/03/2024 20:53

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 22:49

I think he doesn't have space for him to have a girlfriend now. He wants space and I want to understand from someone who has been through grief, how reasoanble this is

I cant text him and tell him I am hurt as it would be very unfair

You've been together a YEAR. He hasn't told anyone??? And now he needs time where he can't tell you the state of your relationship but wants you at the funeral. Only you have to pretend you are not a couple?

And none of this raises a million red flags?

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