Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

[MrsTrue]

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

Probably a vodka martini at least. Can’t trust these grandparents. They only raised OP or her DH.

This thread has inspired me to look into decaffeination - it's a learning day. Some use a carbon dioxide method but others use ethyl acetate. I stand by my earlier comment that I'd rather give a toddler a miniscule amount of caffeine than ethyl acetate.

The issue of ignoring the parents request is different I guess but it's not a hill I'd die on if they are otherwise good, supportive grandparents.

My in-laws raised my dh, they still can’t see anything wrong with smoking over him his entire life. He has lung issues even now. They can’t see why they can’t smoke around the grandkids either. We only visit in summer now.

Get a grip

In principle I think that a child's food/drink must be the decision of the parent and people who think they know better could be dangerous in some cases. However, assuming there are no medical issues a cup of milky tea is not something to get worked up about. It's your call how far you take my child my rules.

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed if you’ve asked them not to…
…but I wish we’d done milky tea a lot more with our kids when they were little because now they are teens they don’t like tea at all and I really wish they did, it’s such a nice thing to have a cup of tea with family and friends and they won’t join in. Really genuinely wish I’d indoctrinated them from toddlerhood.

By that logic. Your child, your responsibility to look after them.

I think you have to suck it up op or stop relying on them. A milky tea is not something to quibble over when you’re getting free childcare by loving DGPs.

My boys were brought up on Nanny's cups of tea. Used to drink it out of their Tommy Tippee cups. Still go to nanny's for cups of tea now. Its not harmed them in the slightest. Both healthy older teens now.

@Rollonsummer1 they're having her for a few hours once a week/fortnight. They pick her up from day care occasionally or have her for a few hours in the day when we have appointments.

It's not a regular thing as they kept ignoring our requests when she was small (e.g. around nap/feeding times, giving her semi-skimmed milk and letting her cry herself to sleep). She used to go longer and more regularly.

They often give her cake too, despite us asking them not to give it to her. We've found a compromise on that and they do now give her smaller portions, but MIL still tries to feed her more in front of us (even when we were walking out the door on one occasion!).

I sometimes wonder if I'm just not strong enough in telling them no and they think we're not being serious. It's almost like it's a big joke to them. I really don't think there's malice behind it, I think they just think they know best and don't respect our decisions.

I'd rather her only have warm milk or water (which is what we've asked them to give her in the past), but since they refuse to do that I feel the decaf tea bags is a good compromise.

Doesn't tannin affect the pituitary gland in young children?

One of mine was prone to bringing up milk and HV said give her milky weak tea. It worked a treat.

The caffeine isn't the bloody point.

They have no right to disobey your boundaries.

I would be apoplectic

I think making a huge deal about / banning the cute bonding experience with loving grandparents will do more harm than the minimal caffeine will

They're grandparents. It's only once a week if that, according to your timetable.
Leave them be, they're entitled to treat.
Otherwise find other childcare.

As to her sleep, she's probably had such an enjoyable and stimulating day that she's reluctant to sleep.

Give over.

I’ve heard it can affect iron absorption. Personally I’d supply them with decaf as a compromise

But that's the whole point of grandparents. It's fun spending time with them because they break the rules and the kids can do things that are forbidden at home 😁

Really? Apoplectic over a bit of weak tea? That seems like a very over the top reaction to people looking after your child for free.

Since I read that boiling drinking water can help to remove microplastics, I'm even more pro-tea.

Another vote for the tea being better than squash idea.

I had this as a child. I even made up a song about it which is about to out me to my immediate family:

(Disclaimer, I was very young indeed)

Cup of tea,
Cup of tea,
Then I'll have a little wee.

Ah this is the nub of it for me.

I hate bloody tea and the idea of giving it to kids is weird, but tea and biscuits dunked in was a real treat and a point of bonding between my elderly parents and my young children. They would all slurp it in big special mugs and it was a lovely ritual just for them.

My father died last year and my (now young adult children) miss him so much. The (strong milky) tea never did them any harm either.

@iLovee didn't you read my post?
It's not about the caffeine/tea whatever. It's about boundaries and yes even unpaid babysitters or gp's need to understand the word no.

If you want someone to follow your rules, pay for them rather than expect free childcare and dictate what they can and can’t do.

As long as the child is safe, that’s the price to pay when someone is giving free childcare.

Honestly I think you need to relax. It's a miniscule amount of extremely weak tea once every couple of weeks. It's literally a complete non-issue. There is no danger to your child's pituitary gland or iron levels or anything else that's been dragged up on this thread. Absolutely nothing is going to happen to your toddler as a result of this.

If you have other concerns about your child's safety or wellbeing in their care then obviously they need addressing. But this milky tea thing is really not a reason to restrict your child's relationship with their grandparents or cause a rift. I get that it's frustrating when grandparents don't follow all the rules but that's kind of their job. They aren't the parents; they are supposed to be fun and a bit more relaxed and free with the treats. It's different when you have grandparents providing care on a daily basis, but a bit of extra cake or some weak tea once a fortnight is not a problem in the slightest.

Yes, I was just very suprised at being apoplectic over something as minor as a bit of tea.

I wouldn't be happy with GPs giving my 2 year old tea, but it is clearly coming from a loving place and keeping perspective here, it is a weak, milky tea. It's grandparents job to spoil their grgrandchildren and let face it, a bit of weak tea isn't going harm the toddler but making a big deal out of it will harm the relationship.

I'm all for boundaries but being apoplectic with rage over tea is a very extreme response.

It's odd how so many people don't believe that tea has much caffeine in it. I'm a tea addict, but also sensitive to caffeine - I can't sleep if I drink normal tea past about 6pm.

If you google how much caffeine is in a cup of tea with milk, the answer seems to vary between 40-95mg. Coffee has about double that.

But the grandparents are only giving a weak tea, you say, and only a small cup. OK, but compare the body weight of a 21 month child to an average adult.

From BBC good food:
Caffeine in tea is fine to drink as part of a balanced diet, but it is best avoided in the afternoon to prevent any disruption to sleep.
Caffeine is not recommended for toddlers and young children, and pregnant women should have no more than 200mg a day.

My DS was a proper tea-belly. Loved it.

I queried it with the Dr, who agreed with my (granted, Google based) research that stated an unsafe amount would be many mugs of very strong tea a day.

A milky, weak tea would have very little caffeine and be of no concern.

Can see why you'd be cross at them ignoring your wishes, though. Are they 'we don't like to say no' GPs? As in, if DD wants, she gets?