Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

[MrsTrue]

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

I agree, in a later post I’ve said modern times now will not be the same when my children have children. That’s not going to stop me from educating the GPs based on research now things will inevitably change again but I’m doing my best with the information that’s available, same as previous generations did but that guidance will have changed and parenting should change with it.

Actually yes, I do believe not all safety knowledge is not universally known and that’s no criticism. My in laws served my daughter whole grapes, they did not know. If I didn’t fundamentally trust them, I wouldn’t have left my child with them in the first instance. This is not a criticism of them, it doesn’t need to taken so personally, it was a communication of safety guidance. Why would they keep up to date with guidance on caring for babies when theirs are grown?

So many posters shocked that not all parents parent the same. A cup of tea is hardly something to fall out with your child’s loving grandparents about. As is so prevalent throughout this thread sometimes mothers try to undermine grandparents for no reason other than they think they can.

Goblet93 you are coming across as young, bossy and very extreme. You can read all the parenting books you want. You’ll find nothing new in them. Your parents may not have known that whole grapes can be a choking hazard but that doesn’t mean most parents won’t know. I don’t know how old your child/ren are but judging by your naivety they can’t be very old and you have a lot of problem solving ahead of you, - most of the solutions won’t be found in a textbook. That comes with experience. Did you never call your mother to ask advice or do you know it all?

Your blanket statement re why would they keep up to date with child care practice only proves you think every grandparent is elderly and clueless. There is less than a year between my youngest child and my eldest grandchild and quite frankly I find your comments very naive and offensive.

You have a lot to learn starting with not everyone is the same and your experiences of life are not finite. Your parents may bow to your superior textbook knowledge but most grandparents won’t need to be educated on the basics of parenting. Some parents didn’t do a great job of parenting I grant you that. Just like everything in life parenting is largely trial and error. Successful solutions come with practice and experience.

OP ultimately it’s up to you whether you cut your child’s grandparents from her life but think seriously about it. You asked for advice because originally you were concerned about caffeine which you have learnt throughout this thread that you are feeding your child caffeine anyway. I guess you’ve seen in some book about the dangers of high levels of caffeine with tea and coffee being highlighted as examples of products containing caffeine and you panicked when your mum mentioned your dd having had a cup of tea. Be honest, now you have discovered that the level of caffeine in a cup of milky tea is miniscule would you really cut your nose of to spite your face and deny your dd a relationship with her grandparents who ultimately love and care for her? Or would you do the normal thing and discuss your concerns with them calmly and reach a compromise? Wishing you the best of luck anyway whatever you decide. Only you know the true relationship between yourself, your parents and your child.

Pretty ridiculous that posters are suggesting that parents need to reach a compromise with grandparents on how to parent their children. They don't.

Perhaps its worth remembering that your DIL was never parented by you and therefore its u reasonable to expect that she should just trust you because of your history of ‘fabulous parenting’

maybe look to your sons as to why they are not more actively involved in brokering the communication/arrangements.

your DILS sound like they have different levels of confidence, perhaps parented differently etc. judging one for feeling the need to have more control is hardly going to foster the trust you so clearly expect she should just have.

case in point, my father just having bought my daughter a bottle of wine for her 11th birthday, because he thinks she’s old enough to have a small glass now with lunch now. I didn’t realise that most families don’t actively encourage their kids to drink alcohol at a young age. When my father in law ‘as a joke’ gave my daughter a coke and said here’s your rum, I pushed it away from her and my mother in law said I was over reacting and no sense of humour.

stop judging your DIL, you have no idea what has informed her choices and comparing her to your other DIL is hardly going to endear her to you.

Then said posters will not be needing to avail of free childcare I assume? It works both ways

@Bunnyannesummers

It. Isn’t. About. The. Tea.
It’s about the parents asking the grandparents not to do something and the grandparents ignoring them.
It could be literally anything.

Why can't people bother to read the ops posts. It's not about the tea, it's the lack of trust and deliberate disregard for her wishes.

You know there are other options, besides GPs for childcare right?

If DIL2 doesn’t trust me to look after her DD she’s free to find someone else.

Just as you are free to decline to spend time with your grandchild if you don’t agree with how her mother wishes her to be parented.

or equally as free to hold your son as responsible for the decisions they have made as to how they raise their child.

Really? No compromise ever? Even when their expectations are ridiculous or misplaced?

The parents will, of course, be compromising left, right and centre when the kid goes to nursery/school and the practicalities of 1:n ratios kick in, or the rules of the playground apply.

Then they will find their flexibility and sense of proportion, even when the kids will have had a far lower stand of care (and food!!).

But it’s ok never to compromise for the loving GPs who want to share a drop of milky tea and a bit of cake with their grandchild? Even if the demands are irrational, or any annoyance about different parenting styles is far outweighed by the kids’ interests in having a close relationship with their GPs?

Really? You are doing that mn thing of thinking that you can control every family member because you have a child.
Why does the current generation of parents think they know everything and seem to be in a constant battle with everyone and everything in the name of advocating for their child.
If I was your inlaw I would be telling you to get lost as it's just too fraught. I suspect this will happen more and more as parents seem to be ever-more demanding.
If you want to control everything, pay for childcare (although you might not have the control you want there either). Or accept that your child's relationship with their grandparents is different to their relationship with you are cut the micromanagement

OK. So you are caring for your children 24/7? No school or childcare? Because I think you might get a shock if you think the entire world will bend to suit your style with no compromises

@Ocadoshoppingjustarrived Er, no? nursery/school don't actively lie that they won't do something, and repeatedly still do it.

If nursery can't put your child to nap at exactly 12pm, they'll explain why.

AND if I don't want something, they WILL follow your wishes as far as practical.

But even if that’s true:

(a) you’re going to be told “no” a lot to individual demands unless there’s a genuine H&S issue; and

(b) your children will also get reduced attention, be left to cry, poorer quality food, they will get hit by other children and come home with scratches and bruises. They will miss their family and the genuine love and care, and may find the institutionalised environment stressful. They will have toys snatched from them and be in tears quite a lot. Their clothes will get filthy and damaged.

That’s all just life, and not a criticism of nursery/school. But completely irrational that you would be happy to make much more extreme compromises in that context but can’t bend a little (and in fact in @beachcitygirl’s case would be “apoplectic”!) over a drop of milky tea.

My kids are a little older now* and I can’t help but think that a lot of these my-way-or-the-highway parents will look back in a few years and recognise how silly they have been. One can only hope that they’ve not irretrievably damaged their relationships with the GPs.

*tween/teens, before I am accused again of being a boundary crashing grandpa!!

What is happening in this world?!! GPS don’t know how to parent? What! 😂

Gosh it was a real treat for me to stay at my GP’s every other weekend. My parents were brilliant. I have no complaints about my childhood but being with my GPS was something special.

Saturdays was, largely, spent playing board games, going to the shop to buy ingredients for me to “help” granny bake something for our Sunday tea, and a comic book. Granny taught me how to knit and crochet. Plus I got to stay up late on Saturday night. We chatted over a cup of hot chocolate.

Gramps and I would go for a walk to the farm on Sunday morning and look at the animals. We had our own names for each animal. Then we’d return to a lovely roast dinner with afters if I wanted. Tinned peaches and ice cream somehow tasted so much better at Granny’s. An hour or two was spent “helping” Gramps in the garden and a nice cup of tea after.

Then Granny would call me to take a bath and hand me a fluffy towel she’d warmed for me. Then we’d set to making a fruit pie and a cake of my choice for our tea. Nothing beats the feeling of eating a slice of Victoria Sponge (with lashings of jam and cream (shock!) or a chocolate cake (horror!) I’d just made. With a cup of tea, of course 😉

It’s a shame to hear so many children are missing out on quality time with GPS because of silly, rigid rules.

I now enjoy spending one day a week and occasional weekends with my own GC. It would break my heart if my DC didn’t trust me to take good care of the GC I love dearly.

I can’t understand so many posters having to dictate rules because their parents are not to be trusted to care for their DC yet they keep sending them. Why would anyone allow their DC around someone they don’t trust? It makes no sense.

The poster who said about her father giving her DD a bottle of wine. That’s an exception. GPS are generally not stupid. I guess your Dad won’t be babysitting for you then. He wouldn’t have been babysitting for me either.

YANBU - they are repeatedly ignoring your request not to give it to her - I would be annoyed too.

When I was a child we didn't have tea in the house (my parents only drank coffee then) but when I went to other friends and family there was always a pot of tea around and I drank tea (with or without sugar depending on which house it was)
My children and minded children have drunk tea from an early age first by drinking mine(I don't take sugar) then by having their own made for them they have had normal black tea, green, fruit and herbal
My grandchildren also drink tea when they ask for it
It's a good source of hydration and healthier than alot of the squashes available
I don't add any sugar or sweetener to the drinks they have
Funny thing is when my ED was 4 my mother made her a cup of tea with sugar in it (she said children needed sugar in their tea)
My daughter said she thought grandma was trying to poison her as there was sugar in the tea and grandad doesn't do that

You are over-reacting to the tea at least.

I know plenty of people, adults and kids, who were practically raised on lukewarm tea.
My two both had the occasionally milky tea from toddler age. Especially if they were cold, or a bit under the weather. It would be almost all warm milk, a dash of water, and the briefest swirl of a teabag. It's no big deal. There's more caffeine in a bar of chocolate.

That being said, while your particularly issue wouldn't bother me, the issue is more that you've expressly said, "please don't give them tea", and they've repeatedly gone against your wishes.

I’m not the one begging for free childcare. If she doesn’t trust me to care for her DD there are other options. Nobody is holding a gun to her head, forcing her to drop her DD here for her to get her nails done or go shopping.

My DS works two jobs for her to carry out her wishes to be a stay at home parent. She’s going to look for a job when DGD starts school, apparently. What good would speaking to DS do? He feeds her normal food and allows her to get a bit dirty and sleep when she needs to. DGD is a different child when her mother is not around… when she is given opportunity to sleep, play and simply be a child.

I won’t tell DIL to do one simply because she’s the type to immediately stop all contact and flounce 🙄 Just as she’s done with her own mother. Her mother’s crime was to tell her that her older DS needed to eat more variety of foods other than pasta. Now she’s not allowed to see either of her DGC.

I’m not prepared to lose contact with my DGC or my DS over a set of never ending stupid rules that benefit nobody, especially the DC. She has a phobia around her DC becoming overweight yet only feeds them pasta, crisps, chocolate and orange juice. When DS was a toddler he was only allowed pasta - for breakfast, lunch and dinner. A bag of quavers if he hadn’t eaten his pasta. I expect that sounds reasonable to you. If you are prepared to bend over backwards to neglect your DGC according to the batshit demands of your DIL then crack on!

@CultOfRamen BTW you’re father's an idiot. That doesn’t mean all fathers are

@MaloneMeadow spending time with your grandchildren shouldn't come with silly conditions. Hopefully grandparents see looking after them as a privilege not a burden that should require payment. Example, if my brother asked me to look after my niece, I wouldn't say "yes but I'm still going to swear around her, I know you don't think it's appropriate around a 2 year old but I do so forget me being your unpaid babysitter if it's such an issue". I would say "yes of course, I'd love to spend time with her" and without saying I would not swear around her.

If it's such a small insignificant thing to give them tea then why is it so significant to just not give the team, knowing the parents don't like it?

I’m not the one begging for free childcare. If she doesn’t trust me to care for her DD there are other options. Nobody is holding a gun to her head, forcing her to drop her DD here for her to get her nails done or go shopping.

I really don't understand what all this free childcare business is. Why are family relations transactional?

Do you actually want payment, or is it just a line?

And you'd be perfectly happy if she didn't drop her DD with you and you never got to look after her again? Of course you would be... not.

Not that hard to not be an arsehole to your child and their spouse. I cannot believe how many people struggle with this.

Apart from one poster who mentioned the DIL not allowing the child to eat (concerning imo ), just follow the simple requests of the parents.

I am so sorry to hear this about your DIL. That is practically neglect. There seems to have been such a horrific rise in parents determined not allow their child to get fat yet in the process giving them borderline malnutrition.

My sister in law insists that her 3 year old DS has two meals per day, no snacks except for a bottle of milk. She gives him breakfast, a late lunch around 3pm and then that’s it. She can’t work out why he’s crying out with hunger half the night and DN just goes along with it. It’s madness and the height of stupidity

There’s a big difference between spending a few hours of quality time with your grandchildren and regularly having to look after them day in/day out. Grandparents are used as a form of childcare and I am amazed that this surprises you. I know for a fact that DM had better things to do than look after DD all day 3 days a when she was younger but that was the way things were. Of course she loved seeing + having DD but it was still a burden. She was happy to help out and I did not feel the need to give a woman who has raised 5 healthy, happy kids of her own a list of menial rules. DD was well and truly spoilt at her house but that’s half the role of grandparents and I wouldn’t have it any other way. DD was kept safe, healthy and happy and that’s all that matters.