Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

[MrsTrue]

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

Quite! It makes you wonder how some people deal with real dilemmas 😂

TBF they probably haven’t had to face real problems…. Yet! It’s only when they have to deal with real difficulties will they be able to put things into perspective

🤣🤣🤣

Oh absolutely! I can’t get my head around there a people who consider a weak, milky half a beaker of tea at Nannas to be abusive! Battshittery at its best 😂😂

Struggling to understand why OPs rules should apply when child is in the care of GPs?

Because part of having a positive relationship with your son and DIL means respecting their wishes. That means not agreeing to it, and then intentionally ignoring their requests repeatedly, even if you think it's a bit stupid?

If OP was so determined to avoid these behaviours, she'd simply not allow the child alone with GPs. She could just be there with them when the child is there. They have ignored her requests several times. But I suspect she enjoys the occasional childcare.

Gosh you have never given a child chocolate? Ever?

Nearly 70% of voters disagree with the OP (and you). You might want to consider whether your position is extreme.

@ComfyBoobs yes, I have an extreme opinion that the MIL and FIL shouldn't be rude and overbearing by continually ignoring a boundary.

And because the Mumsnet vote (which seems to be a load of people reacting to the title and not understanding the context) was 70/30. Yeah, ok.

Should I hand myself into the local police station or call 101, or...?

Cocaine l expect.

Cannot trust the elderly.

Yeah, you’re definitely not extreme. Completely rational response.

Er, yeah, I know?

Bloody hell, these in law/GP threads are something else!

It seems GP’s are expected to “care for” their DGC because they want to - nothing to do with the parents dumping them because it suits them.

Caring for your grandchildren now appears to be not being able to go out because it interferes with GC’s sleep routine. GP’s must put them down to sleep at a time specified by mother and child is NEVER to be allowed to sleep in a buggy. They are not allowed to sleep past the time stipulated by their parents.

They must never be allowed to experience different foods, tastes or textures and God forbid they ever get dirty!

They must not be taken to soft play, the beach, the park, petting farm or anywhere where their parents haven’t taken them first.

They are never to be given white bread, real butter, chocolate, crisps or anything that doesn’t taste like cardboard really. Yogurts are ok - provided they are the right yogurt, of course 🙄 Anything else is the work of the devil! 🙈

Do not - ever - think of having cake or biscuits in your home in case PFB manages to catch sight of them and never eat “normal” food in front of them. Just get used to eating brown pasta, boiled veg and grapes (which must always be cut into quarters). Only water or full fat milk is allowed. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like full fat milk or want a cup of tea. Your wants and needs must be dismissed because you are overjoyed to have PFB dumped on you ad hoc for his/her parents to have a break… right! 🤨

Honestly, I can’t believe what silly “rules” my friends put up with under the threat of “Do it my way or you’ll never see your grandchild again”!! They must be stark raving bonkers!

I’ll have my DGC anytime. I refuse to have them according to a list of dos and donts. You want me to have them for you to work, go shopping, have your hair done, date nights… Fine. Great. I’ll have them anytime. I’m perfectly capable of bringing up children. If you don’t like my way of doing things you are free to find someone else to have them.

My DS’s, DIL’s, DD and SIL have never raised an issue. They can’t have a problem because I see my DGC several times a week. They have had many experiences here that they don’t have at home.

GP’s generally have more time and patience than parents because we know they will be going home and then it’s our time to relax.

Any parent who is parenting, according to the needs of their child, wouldn’t be stipulating silly rules. They will be happy that their child is growing up in a variety of caring environments with love, warmth and stimulation.

“I’m creating stupid rules that you must obey because I'm the parent” is a nonsense and not needed!

God forbid grandparents use their own prerogative to look after their grandchildren. Of course they know nothing and need to have ridiculous rules imposed left right and centre, they’ve never raised a child before! 🤡

I feel very sorry for you if you didn’t have grandparents who let you do things differently to how they were done at home. That’s half the joy of the relationship.

I used to go mad about this with my first. She hates tea now. Yet I did give my second born a very milky tea. Just a quick dip with the tea bag and he loves it. Now I just give him warm milk because what's the point. What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't really matter once in a while. I think the annoyance more stems from them crossing a line with you. You've said no so they should adhere to those rules. But it really isn't a problem in my opinion.

Yeah, I suppose. But I just wonder whether micro managing the GPs care is actually more damaging in the long run? I totally understand that the parents can impose strict safety boundaries - e.g. car seats and the like, but wonder whether being so prescriptive over things that many posters on here think is OTT is good for fostering positive relationships.

I also worry about OP trying to enforce these kinds of boundaries in other situations, such a nursery, childminder, school, friend’s homes etc. I guess I’m suggesting that she loosen her grip and control a little, for her own sanity as much as anything else.

Dare I say it, this is the best and most rational post on this thread 😁

No need to reduce tea or coffee during pregnancy - complete overreaction - just use common sense.

It sounds like your daughter will have lovely memories (!) spending time with her grandparents - seriously can't believe you've reduced contact over this 🤣

Hilarious.

So, I suppose I’m questioning OPs motives for imposing eating/ drinking ‘rules’ of this nature. Just because she follows them, doesn’t automatically mean ‘the village’ raising her child will. We don’t all follow exactly the same rules, as the replies here prove.

It is all a question of degree, of course. Some rules/ behaviours are pretty much universally accepted as being non negotiable. This doesn’t seem to be the suggestion here. Many, possibly the majority, of posters think milky tea once a week is a non-issue.

My own mother ignored numerous ‘requests’ I made when she cared for my children. It is only with hindsight that I can see how my own insecurity and inexperience insisted (rather unsuccessfully ) that those rules to be strictly adhered to. I was peeved, but never prepared to restrict my children’s access to their grandparents in the absence of safety concerns.

Disregarding some of OPs ‘less important’ rules about care is no worse, in my opinion, than deliberately restricting the relationship between a child and their extended family over what many see as insignificant, albeit irritating matters. It also suggests that the OP fails to place any real value in that child’s relationships with her paternal GPs and has already stated that the ad-hoc childcare they provide is of little value to her and her husband, so she could do without it. It’s incredibly sad that a child’s access to positive family relationships is potentially dependent upon a point of principle. This isn’t really about OPs relationship with her in-laws - I t’s more importantly about her child’s relationship with their grandparents.

Is OP suggesting that GPs are placing their GC in danger and/or are incompetent? GPs may secretly think OP is incompetent/ acting neurotically herself but are aware of the possible consequences should they challenge her. Presumably, OPs husband had no prior concerns about his parent’s ability to keep the child safe, or the more generous contact initially afforded would never have happened. Maybe he should speak to his own parents to explain if his standards are now different from theirs.

So no, I don’t believe a positive relationship always requires us to respect (follow?) each others wishes. We can disagree, but communication is key. If OP wishes to hold the GPs ransom with her rules, she must tell them so.

Fantastic post - very well said

Totally disagree with this, childminders, schools and nurseries will have rules and policies that are based around capacity, resource and safeguarding. It's different with family and ultimately op is worried about her child's health and if sleep is affected that creates difficulty for the entire family because let's be honest, if the toddler isn't sleeping its likely at least one other person also isn't sleeping. I think if it's been important enough for op to mention to the grandparents multiple times, there's really no need for them to be continuing to do it. They could swap out the tea for decaf or just give the child hot milk and pretend, I think it's a bit strange they are so insistent on adding the tea against both parents wishes regardless of their own views on the matter. It shows a massive disrespect to op and her other half.

I'm not overly convinced that the weak tea is the culprit op to be honest, but I also remember the days of ds not being a good sleeper and going through any and all options trying to find the magic formula that would set him up for sleeping well because I was so exhausted. I think if you need them to stop with the tea at the very least so you can rule it out as a cause for the poor sleep then I think that's a completely fair ask. At worst you know the tea isn't the culprit, at best it is and you can go forwards with better sleep. I don't see why any grandparent would feel the tea is that important they'd stop you doing that. Even in a nursery setting they'd facilitate something like this - recently ds started drinking cups of milk and came out in rashes so we asked nursery to cut back on the milk so we could rule it out. Was actioned on their part the same day- it didn't help so he went back on cups of milk but it helped me rule the milk out as the culprit.

Getting family to babysit or provide childcare doesn't mean you are no longer ultimately responsible for decisions relating to your child and as others have said there's no real reason why caffeine or sugar should be added to a toddlers diet when it could be avoided easily.

I do think there's a middle ground because you need to appreciate the care they are providing, but equally they need to respect your wishes as the parent.

My parents never respected ds nap time, insisted he'd nap on the go so they could do what suited them for the day- he didn't, inevitably fell asleep late in the day and was a nightmare for us in the evening. Funnily enough they are no longer who we call on for babysitting unless it's an absolute emergency... my in laws are fab and babysit fairly regularly and I can totally trust them to do what I've asked which in turn makes me feel relaxed about ds being there and I know they'll prioritise his needs over their own.

See I agree with most of this in theory- but when my child hasn't slept all day, is in foul form coming back to me and then wakes up 4/5 times in the night (which I have to respond to in order to feed him back to sleep) and then I need to get up and go to work again the next day then you lose me.

Sleep is non negotiable, its essential in parents functioning, being safe to drive, not making stupid mistakes in work, being available to their child, themselves, their partner and avoiding associated bad health. I'm by no means uptight about most things but as a human i need to function and if your babysitting is stopping me from functioning then i can't have you as my support network in that way anymore. And I think that's really sad because I want my ds to have a close relationship with his gp. There has to be a balance that works for the parents too. It can't be gp way or the high way if it's crippling the parents.

Not a doctor, but a dietician for children. We would advise against caffeine.

However if it is literally a dip, as they claim, but we will never know, sure it's okay.

But I'm my eyes, it shouldn't matter if it's brocoli, it's about the fact they are deliberately going again mums wishes despite repeated asking.

It is a luxury denied to many to enjoy time with your grandchildren. It's not a given right.

It’s good to hear an opinion from a children’s dietician - thank you. Hopefully the dip of caffeine is what’s happening here. Decaff teabags and a firmer approach by OP may solve this particular issue. She wasn’t sure whether GP had taken her objections seriously, so my guess is that they didn’t.

I may have been a bit harsh towards OP in a previous post. She only really asked if she was overreacting by being annoyed.

I can understand OP being irritated, feeling undermined or disrespected etc. These feeling aren’t DDs fault though. I think it’s important that she doesn’t punish DD for the adults poor communication. Thankfully, I don’t think she is actually considering cutting contact, although I wasn’t entirely sure.

My concern about reducing contact is the impact that this actually has on the child, over rules that the child certainly cares very little about (she isn’t 2 yet), and has no control over. Why should the child miss out?

Would you state that it is a luxury denied to many to enjoy time with your grandparents, and not a given right?

Are you saying your child recognised your non-negotiable sleep requirement on all the other days, when being cared for by you? No, mine didn’t either 😂 but it was a balancing act between receiving the out of routine, maybe grizzly child back, in exchange for a day/night away. It is sometimes a tough call.

I throughout my career, I have regularly looked after children on school residential trips. Some children cope very well and some really struggle being away from home and out of routine. In my experience, I have seen a direct correlation between those who enjoy these sorts of trips and those who have frequently spent time being cared for by GPs or other family in other environments. I guess it may be limiting and restrictive to only experience one set of rules? Only when the toddlers become older children do these problems become more apparent, with significant anxieties about being away from home where everything is different.

A wild generalisation, I know, but just sharing my experience.