Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

[MrsTrue]

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

💯

I too would be furious. Both my sister and my mother keep wanting to do this. It’s a fight every time. They also gave her chocolate for the first time ans sugary sweets against my wishes.

She said a CAN of coke not a line lol. Completely different things

OP "we need them in our lives".
There you go. Pointless thread really.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. Don’t think there’s any place for caffeine in a toddler’s diet even if it is heavily watered down. Btw tea has much worse stuff in it than caffeine too. It’s naturally high in fluoride and aluminium, in decaff too. more fluoride than you’d find in toothpaste

I know, I was exaggerating in reply to her assumption I don’t know the difference between a baby and teenager.

I drank tea with the adults from very small.That or water!
Orange squash only at Christmas, a tiny bottle in the stocking. This was the 50s though!
Seems OK to me though.

I really do think the “your child, your rules” maxim, held out as justification for taking action is response to a complete non-issue, is unhealthy.

As long as your child is safe and happy, then why should a parent get to exert complete control over what happens when a grandchild is spending time with grandparents. As a poster said above, they do not own their child.

You don’t get that control at nursery or at school. And it’s really disrespectful, and damaging to a close family relationship, to micromanage, disapprove and reduce contact over absolutely nothing. It has grandparents treading on eggshells, always at risk of being considered in the wrong.

Imagine if that was OP’s DH, taking such a critical and inflexible approach to OP’s minor parenting decisions. Why is it okay to exert this level of absolute irrational control in this relationship when it would be called out as toxic behaviour in other contexts?

How far does it go? If my rules are that I want my child to eat 4 blue smarties at 4.07pm every day, otherwise I am going to cut contact, is that justified?

There has to be a cut off point after which this approach must be recognised simply as control for control’s sake. Control should only be exerted where there are good substantiated reasons for doing so - ie health and safety, behaviour management.

There is no way that a drop of milky tea and a bit of cake is putting OP’s child at risk of anything harmful. So this is just about her trying to show her PILs who is boss. Ultimately she is prioritising her need for control over the broader family relationship. She is the one who risks causing harm to her child by undermining this precious and obviously loving relationship between her child and their grandparents.

Can you describe how op has been controlling? She's asked three times for a simple request. At no point we're the visits stopped.

The only conclusion here is that you're a grandpa who possibly oversteps and thinks it's ok.

OP is clearly trying to control the GPs and has reduced contact in the past, so it is obviously a tried and tested strategy. From her earlier comment:

”Sounds like a lot of parents wouldn't even allow their DD near them after all this, which is why we reduced contact.”

I’d be delighted of course if she came back and said that she wasn’t trying to control them 🤷🏻‍♀️ Happy to be proven wrong.

Your conclusion is very odd! I am a mother of two DC who values their relationship with their grandparents. Can you not conceive of someone who prioritises their family relationships over harmless differences in parenting strategy? I wouldn’t dream of nitpicking at them the way OP does.

They've undermined you multiple times on your choices for what your child should be fed.

Time to look for alternative childcare. If grandparents intentionally undermine your parenting decisions, regardless of what they're about then you should start limiting contact.

The tea part is irrelevant.

Would honey be less harmful? I don't see why.

@ComfyBoobs
So after three attempt to ask them not to do something, she's only now chosen to 'reduce' (not remove) contact. Yeah, that's not controlling. She clearly does value the relationship, hence allowing it to continue.

We've even had posters chiming in with accusations of free childcare, and exploiting the grandparents! So how can op win?

Reduces contact = selfish and controlling
Allows contact = ungrateful

And frankly no, I can't fathom how a parent would not understand this.

OP wins by recognising that the GPs aren’t doing anything wrong, unclenches a bit, and enjoys the nice relationship between her children and their GP.

Definitely overreacting - I give my baby tea all the time - it's a small amount proportionate to his size. He loves tea - it's an important part of my culture and it's harmless, so why not?

But caffeine it's not harmless.

You’re exaggerating in your reaction to a lot of things

This is completely unacceptable after you’ve asked them not to. They have betrayed your trust. It may seem trivial but it speaks volumes about what else they might do. Also, it shows a complete lack of respect towards you. Provide them with decaf tea bags if you trust them to babysit again.

There are two parts to this. I think you’re overreacting about DD having tea, but whatever the thing is, you’ve explicitly asked the grandparents not to give it to her and they’re just outright going against you - tea, chocolate, screen time, whatever it is, the fact that you’ve asked them not to means they shouldn’t do it, and I think the fact that they do it anyway is the matter that needs to be addressed

You can be annoyed because you’ve asked them to stop.

you are also being unreasonable

and overall this depends on your relationship. How often are you dumping the kid on them? Or are they kidnapping her? Are either of you abusing the others kindness? Or is a respectful relationship.

because they aren’t respecting milky tea -very common in many cultures - I’m guessing something is out of whack here. Good to have a discussion.

don’t want to be like my in-laws who constantly bitch about the time and gas money for taking grandchild (SIL’s) places, but then moon and groan about not seeing them enough if they aren’t. And I’m sorry if you have people like this that will complain regardless.

My 3 year old DGS rocks up at mine every morning, demanding a “tupatea” and biscuits (2 RichTea). His mum doesn’t bat an eyelid.

Thank God my DIL lives in the real world.

He and his 5 year old brother have a cup of tea and biscuits at home. Should I report these “selfish, terrible, uncaring” parents to SS? Or does a weak, milky cup of tea not matter, as long as the child is safe, warm, stimulated and loved?

Is a cup of tea only unacceptable at Grandma’s?? This question is aimed at the frothers on this thread.

Very well said. The level of batshittery on this thread is quite amazing

A tuppatea ! That's so cute. My son loved /loves tea! Kept him away from coke and Fanta imo

All mine enjoyed a cup of tea from around 18 months. None of them have stunted growth (very common - according to some random poster 🙄).

I can just imagine my DIL’s face if I told her myself and grandad had a slice of cake today but we let DGS scream because we refused to give him a sliver of cake because, you know…..sugar!

She would think I’d truly lost it! 😂😂😂

Let’s be honest no grandparent is going to feed a child anything detrimental to their health. Everything in moderation is fine.

I absolutely agree. None of mine requested anything other than water, milk or a cup of tea until they were well into their teenage years when their friends introduced them to cans of fizzy pop.

I bet having a cup of tea and a small slice of cake with her grandparents is nice and bonding for the DD. But no, Mum has to come in and piss all over that (not literally).