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Original poster

Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

648 replies

MrsTrue · 18/03/2024 21:19

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

OP posts:
Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 01:01

ironorchids · 21/03/2024 11:22

They've undermined you multiple times on your choices for what your child should be fed.

Time to look for alternative childcare. If grandparents intentionally undermine your parenting decisions, regardless of what they're about then you should start limiting contact.

The tea part is irrelevant.

And jeopardise the child’s otherwise loving and beneficial relationship with their GPs over OPs hurt feelings?

I think this would be incredibly poor parenting and does not prioritise the best interests of the child at all.

Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 01:07

OP, the grandparents don’t respect you and think that some of your parenting strategies are bonkers. Similarly, it seems you may not value their role and contribution as grandparents. This started way before the 3 or 4 cups of milky tea.

Time to talk about this ^ shizzle, before you start arguing about the caffeine content of a weekly cuppa.

Lavender14 · 22/03/2024 01:07

Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 00:42

Are you saying your child recognised your non-negotiable sleep requirement on all the other days, when being cared for by you? No, mine didn’t either 😂 but it was a balancing act between receiving the out of routine, maybe grizzly child back, in exchange for a day/night away. It is sometimes a tough call.

I throughout my career, I have regularly looked after children on school residential trips. Some children cope very well and some really struggle being away from home and out of routine. In my experience, I have seen a direct correlation between those who enjoy these sorts of trips and those who have frequently spent time being cared for by GPs or other family in other environments. I guess it may be limiting and restrictive to only experience one set of rules? Only when the toddlers become older children do these problems become more apparent, with significant anxieties about being away from home where everything is different.

A wild generalisation, I know, but just sharing my experience.

Show quote history

No of course not- if only!! Although for the most part when he naps well he tends to sleep much better so yes there is a very noticeable difference when he's been with my family for the day and not been allowed to sleep compared to when he's at nursery or with his other gp - then we usually don't have issues but they do follow his routine. Up until he was about 5mths i didn't follow a routine at all but then he started to need it to help him get sleep and not be up 3/4 times a night. I'm not saying it's anything the gp are necessarily doing wrong, as i said the milky tea is unlikely to be a problem, my point is that early years and sleep deprivation are really rough on parents and when gp are refusing to work with parents when they are trying to help their child sleep better (and probably save their own sanity) sometimes I think the compassionate thing for the gp to do is just go with it so that parent knows your support is unconditional and respectful of what they're trying to do as a parent. If they'd just gone with it op probably could have ruled out the milky tea as the issue and then they could have brought it back or used something more suitable for a toddler.

I know my in laws do things differently than how we do things at home, my son goes there and he gets food we wouldn't normally give, might stay up slightly later etc but I love that he's making those memories with them and I love that he goes there and gets spoilt and they all enjoy that time together. But as a parent, my first responsibility is the welfare of my child and gp don't get to just ignore parents when they are raising a concern, especially over something that's so easily changed. It would be so easy for them to use decaf or hot milk and op seems to have explained her logic about her child not sleeping well so it does come across as disrespect or selfishness.

I'm not sure I fully agree with you, I work with kids who've mainly been raised with lack of routine and I find they tend to do much better with it. Most children do well with a sense of routine, it brings with it a sense of security, clear boundaries and expectations and can help small children feel safe and that their needs are being met appropriately and can help with building healthy attachment to caregivers and other close family. Obviously that needs to be expanded and stretched as they get older and you want them to grow in confidence and independence but at toddler stage I think they're still quite little for that. So many social factors that go into it though, it's hard to say for sure! That all being said I'm not completely strict on routine. I'll be flexible with everything apart from that one mid day nap because I know how much it affects ds. I think most parents try to figure out what works for their child, I tried to do that and ds kind of created our routine naturally because it's what works for him which is why I feel I need to be semi- protective over that.

Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 01:19

Lavender14 · 22/03/2024 01:07

No of course not- if only!! Although for the most part when he naps well he tends to sleep much better so yes there is a very noticeable difference when he's been with my family for the day and not been allowed to sleep compared to when he's at nursery or with his other gp - then we usually don't have issues but they do follow his routine. Up until he was about 5mths i didn't follow a routine at all but then he started to need it to help him get sleep and not be up 3/4 times a night. I'm not saying it's anything the gp are necessarily doing wrong, as i said the milky tea is unlikely to be a problem, my point is that early years and sleep deprivation are really rough on parents and when gp are refusing to work with parents when they are trying to help their child sleep better (and probably save their own sanity) sometimes I think the compassionate thing for the gp to do is just go with it so that parent knows your support is unconditional and respectful of what they're trying to do as a parent. If they'd just gone with it op probably could have ruled out the milky tea as the issue and then they could have brought it back or used something more suitable for a toddler.

I know my in laws do things differently than how we do things at home, my son goes there and he gets food we wouldn't normally give, might stay up slightly later etc but I love that he's making those memories with them and I love that he goes there and gets spoilt and they all enjoy that time together. But as a parent, my first responsibility is the welfare of my child and gp don't get to just ignore parents when they are raising a concern, especially over something that's so easily changed. It would be so easy for them to use decaf or hot milk and op seems to have explained her logic about her child not sleeping well so it does come across as disrespect or selfishness.

I'm not sure I fully agree with you, I work with kids who've mainly been raised with lack of routine and I find they tend to do much better with it. Most children do well with a sense of routine, it brings with it a sense of security, clear boundaries and expectations and can help small children feel safe and that their needs are being met appropriately and can help with building healthy attachment to caregivers and other close family. Obviously that needs to be expanded and stretched as they get older and you want them to grow in confidence and independence but at toddler stage I think they're still quite little for that. So many social factors that go into it though, it's hard to say for sure! That all being said I'm not completely strict on routine. I'll be flexible with everything apart from that one mid day nap because I know how much it affects ds. I think most parents try to figure out what works for their child, I tried to do that and ds kind of created our routine naturally because it's what works for him which is why I feel I need to be semi- protective over that.

Show quote history

Yes, you make good points and the need for compassionate and unconditional support is a good one.

I also agree that most (all?) children do need routine, but was trying to say that being too rigid can actually be less beneficial when children are then placed in unfamiliar settings. I wasn’t suggesting that a chaotic existence helps children cope better - on the contrary, this throws up a whole new set of problems.

It is a tough balancing act and one that we all get wrong sometimes, especially when sleep deprived! Being a much older parent now, with grown up children, I can see that sometimes the battles I fought with my own mother were simply not worth it, having experienced far more challenges as a parent later on. I hope if I ever become a grandparent, I can provide the compassionate and unconditional support that my children will undoubtedly need, even if they are slightly bonkers 😆

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 22/03/2024 01:36

ComfyBoobs · 21/03/2024 09:45

I really do think the “your child, your rules” maxim, held out as justification for taking action is response to a complete non-issue, is unhealthy.

As long as your child is safe and happy, then why should a parent get to exert complete control over what happens when a grandchild is spending time with grandparents. As a poster said above, they do not own their child.

You don’t get that control at nursery or at school. And it’s really disrespectful, and damaging to a close family relationship, to micromanage, disapprove and reduce contact over absolutely nothing. It has grandparents treading on eggshells, always at risk of being considered in the wrong.

Imagine if that was OP’s DH, taking such a critical and inflexible approach to OP’s minor parenting decisions. Why is it okay to exert this level of absolute irrational control in this relationship when it would be called out as toxic behaviour in other contexts?

How far does it go? If my rules are that I want my child to eat 4 blue smarties at 4.07pm every day, otherwise I am going to cut contact, is that justified?

There has to be a cut off point after which this approach must be recognised simply as control for control’s sake. Control should only be exerted where there are good substantiated reasons for doing so - ie health and safety, behaviour management.

There is no way that a drop of milky tea and a bit of cake is putting OP’s child at risk of anything harmful. So this is just about her trying to show her PILs who is boss. Ultimately she is prioritising her need for control over the broader family relationship. She is the one who risks causing harm to her child by undermining this precious and obviously loving relationship between her child and their grandparents.

You really need to go and educate yourself on controlling people because your post reads like utter bollocks and you have clearly never been around controlling personalities.

If the OP is such a control freak and the grandparents were walking on egg shells then why are they continuously ignoring her wishes and giving her child something she has asked them three times not to do?

Thats not grandparents tip toeing around the OP they are basically telling her they will do whatever the hell they like regardless of her wishes and its out of line, overstepping boundaries, disrespectful and controlling on their part because they clearly think they are the ones making decisions, they had their turn in raising a child and making decisions they felt were best for their DC now its the OP's choice.

Also if the OP was so controlling why did she give them decaf tea bags as a compromise and the grandparents ignored that and still gave their tea bags. The OP has tried to compromise and the grandparents refused. If the OP was that controlling she wouldn't be in this situation because the grandparents would be following the OP's wishes but they aren't.

Reducing contact and no more alone time is more than reasonable given that this isn't the only thing the grandparents are doing as the OP has stated they interfer and push boundaries with other things showing they can't be trusted. People with no boundaries will only respect them when there are consequences to trampling over them.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 22/03/2024 01:50

Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 01:01

And jeopardise the child’s otherwise loving and beneficial relationship with their GPs over OPs hurt feelings?

I think this would be incredibly poor parenting and does not prioritise the best interests of the child at all.

Show quote history

So its ok for the grandparents to ignore the OP's wishes, undermine her and trample the boundaries because of their love for their grandchild and she must put up with it so as not to ruin the grandparents relationship with her child.

Right now this might seem harmless but what about in 10 years time when the OP's DC realises nanny and grandad will always give them what they want and mum says no, that will damage the OP's relationship with her child because she will be the bad guy for having rules and all at the expense so as not to jeopardise their relationship with their GD!

That's not right they had their time to raise their DC and make the rules now its the OP's time and she shouldn't have to tolerate being undermined, ignored and disrespected.

HoppingPavlova · 22/03/2024 05:35

So its ok for the grandparents to ignore the OP's wishes, undermine her and trample the boundaries because of their love for their grandchild and she must put up with it so as not to ruin the grandparents relationship with her child

The argument is, theoretically no. But then it is okay for them, while complying, to call it out and label the OP as batshit. That’s why it’s always good to only push back on the things that are NOT batshit. Also, to turn it around, what if OP said they were fans of corporal punishment and every time their child said ‘no’ while with the grandparents, the grandparents must smack their child on the arm. Is it okay for the grandparents to ignore OP’s wishes, and undermine her? One must use a bit of commonsense with all this, which the grandparents are seeming to do, and OP not so much with the unfounded hysteria. It’s not all black and white as you make out with blindly complying with parents wishes.

DanielGault · 22/03/2024 05:39

I know I said this already, but it's not working so remove the kids and pay for childcare where you can demand exacting standards. It's that simple. Kids can still see the GPs in your company, where you have control.

MaloneMeadow · 22/03/2024 05:44

DanielGault · 22/03/2024 05:39

I know I said this already, but it's not working so remove the kids and pay for childcare where you can demand exacting standards. It's that simple. Kids can still see the GPs in your company, where you have control.

Ah yes - commercialised childcare, well known for having exacting standards and a personal touch, not. Anybody who thinks that their child is better off there than at their grandparents’ house who actually care about (not just get paid to look after) and know their child is delusional.

DanielGault · 22/03/2024 05:47

MaloneMeadow · 22/03/2024 05:44

Ah yes - commercialised childcare, well known for having exacting standards and a personal touch, not. Anybody who thinks that their child is better off there than at their grandparents’ house who actually care about (not just get paid to look after) and know their child is delusional.

Edited
Show quote history

But you simply cannot dictate to GPs. You have at least a contractual agreement with childcare providers.

DanielGault · 22/03/2024 05:51

MaloneMeadow · 22/03/2024 05:44

Ah yes - commercialised childcare, well known for having exacting standards and a personal touch, not. Anybody who thinks that their child is better off there than at their grandparents’ house who actually care about (not just get paid to look after) and know their child is delusional.

Edited
Show quote history

And fwiw, I'd much prefer my child to be looked after by family, but I'd be less worried about tea. So it's a matter of preference really.

TerfTalking · 22/03/2024 06:01

Massive over reaction.

Apart from the negligible caffeine from a dunk of the tea bag and a tonne of milk what’s the issue?

my parents give my now late 20s DC weak tea in a sippy cup at the breakfast and dinner table with them from a big brown pot. They are still tea, not coffee, drinkers.

my dentist also told me children should only drink milk, water and tea. The child heroin is fruit juice.

Do you give your toddler juice?
How long will you keep up no tea?
Do you have a caffeine free diet?

Krabappel · 22/03/2024 08:17

Would you state that it is a luxury denied to many to enjoy time with your grandparents, and not a given right?

Because it's not a right, is it? Every family is different, some GPS see their GC everyday. Others see then once a year

How often you see them is up to each family. Repeatedly disrespecting and disregarding the parents rules is more than enough reason to reduce contact. To go NC would be too far, but it's fair to not send them to people who disregard your wishes and make you uncomfortable.

The level of cheekiness to actually do this is astounding. After the second time of being told, surely you'd go ok, fine, we won't do it again.

Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 08:24

Krabappel · 22/03/2024 08:17

Would you state that it is a luxury denied to many to enjoy time with your grandparents, and not a given right?

Because it's not a right, is it? Every family is different, some GPS see their GC everyday. Others see then once a year

How often you see them is up to each family. Repeatedly disrespecting and disregarding the parents rules is more than enough reason to reduce contact. To go NC would be too far, but it's fair to not send them to people who disregard your wishes and make you uncomfortable.

The level of cheekiness to actually do this is astounding. After the second time of being told, surely you'd go ok, fine, we won't do it again.

Maybe not a right for the child, no. But I believe it is your duty, as a parent, to foster and support loving relationships for your children wherever this is possible, whether that is daily, weekly, or annually.

Wonderfrau · 22/03/2024 08:35

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 22/03/2024 01:36

You really need to go and educate yourself on controlling people because your post reads like utter bollocks and you have clearly never been around controlling personalities.

If the OP is such a control freak and the grandparents were walking on egg shells then why are they continuously ignoring her wishes and giving her child something she has asked them three times not to do?

Thats not grandparents tip toeing around the OP they are basically telling her they will do whatever the hell they like regardless of her wishes and its out of line, overstepping boundaries, disrespectful and controlling on their part because they clearly think they are the ones making decisions, they had their turn in raising a child and making decisions they felt were best for their DC now its the OP's choice.

Also if the OP was so controlling why did she give them decaf tea bags as a compromise and the grandparents ignored that and still gave their tea bags. The OP has tried to compromise and the grandparents refused. If the OP was that controlling she wouldn't be in this situation because the grandparents would be following the OP's wishes but they aren't.

Reducing contact and no more alone time is more than reasonable given that this isn't the only thing the grandparents are doing as the OP has stated they interfer and push boundaries with other things showing they can't be trusted. People with no boundaries will only respect them when there are consequences to trampling over them.

Show quote history

Overstepping, disrespecting and controlling OP V calling OP out on what many consider to be unreasonable demands which she may struggle to enforce in her absence elsewhere?

I admit I would be miffed if my authority was challenged, but then I would have to question whether my approach about insisting on ‘my road or the high road‘ was actually beneficial to my child.

Many possible solutions here. Not reducing child’s contact with GPs, but instead being present at all times is one of them. Not sure whether this would work for OP though. Or actually communicating the reasons why OP feels her requests, which she admits GPs may not have taken seriously, must be strictly upheld and the consequences for the child if they do not comply.

Krabappel · 22/03/2024 09:01

Maybe not a right for the child, no. But I believe it is your duty, as a parent, to foster and support loving relationships for your children wherever this is possible, whether that is daily, weekly, or annually.

Agree, you facilitate family connections, and it seems like op has done.

She's been patient up until here, and hasn't ripped her child away. It may seem like a small thing, the tea specifically, but how can you trust someone with your child who doesn't respect your wishes? Presumably they lied, by agreeing not to do it.

What will it be next, feeding peanuts, not using reins by the road because they know best? Not brushing teeth because mummy and daddy aren't here?

MaloneMeadow · 22/03/2024 09:04

Krabappel · 22/03/2024 09:01

Maybe not a right for the child, no. But I believe it is your duty, as a parent, to foster and support loving relationships for your children wherever this is possible, whether that is daily, weekly, or annually.

Agree, you facilitate family connections, and it seems like op has done.

She's been patient up until here, and hasn't ripped her child away. It may seem like a small thing, the tea specifically, but how can you trust someone with your child who doesn't respect your wishes? Presumably they lied, by agreeing not to do it.

What will it be next, feeding peanuts, not using reins by the road because they know best? Not brushing teeth because mummy and daddy aren't here?

What exactly is wrong with feeding peanuts? It is proven that exposure when they’re young massively reduces the chance of developing a peanut allergy

Krabappel · 22/03/2024 09:06

What exactly is wrong with feeding peanuts? It is proven that exposure when they’re young massively reduces the chance of developing a peanut allergy

Nothing. My children eat nuts. Littlest one loves cashews.

But if your child has a rash, the parents might want to rule things out. And really it doesn't matter.

What's wrong' with it. If you've been asked not to do it, don't do it.

Blondebrunette1 · 22/03/2024 09:19

So many people are so laid back about tea, I always wonder why so many kids teeth and the vast majority of adults in the UK have quite stained teeth. Giving toddlers tea won't help.

BIossomtoes · 22/03/2024 10:56

Blondebrunette1 · 22/03/2024 09:19

So many people are so laid back about tea, I always wonder why so many kids teeth and the vast majority of adults in the UK have quite stained teeth. Giving toddlers tea won't help.

Mine are stained. It’s the red wine that does it.

Imisssleep2 · 22/03/2024 11:25

I can understand why they did it the first time as I myself was given milky tea from quite a young age and loved it, but if you have asked them not to, then they should be respecting your wishes since then though and not given it to get again. You will just have to stop letting them look after her alone if they can't do as asked.

RandomSunday · 22/03/2024 12:13

Hettie24 · 21/03/2024 19:15

It seems GP’s are expected to “care for” their DGC because they want to - nothing to do with the parents dumping them because it suits them.

Caring for your grandchildren now appears to be not being able to go out because it interferes with GC’s sleep routine. GP’s must put them down to sleep at a time specified by mother and child is NEVER to be allowed to sleep in a buggy. They are not allowed to sleep past the time stipulated by their parents.

They must never be allowed to experience different foods, tastes or textures and God forbid they ever get dirty!

They must not be taken to soft play, the beach, the park, petting farm or anywhere where their parents haven’t taken them first.

They are never to be given white bread, real butter, chocolate, crisps or anything that doesn’t taste like cardboard really. Yogurts are ok - provided they are the right yogurt, of course 🙄 Anything else is the work of the devil! 🙈

Do not - ever - think of having cake or biscuits in your home in case PFB manages to catch sight of them and never eat “normal” food in front of them. Just get used to eating brown pasta, boiled veg and grapes (which must always be cut into quarters). Only water or full fat milk is allowed. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like full fat milk or want a cup of tea. Your wants and needs must be dismissed because you are overjoyed to have PFB dumped on you ad hoc for his/her parents to have a break… right! 🤨

Honestly, I can’t believe what silly “rules” my friends put up with under the threat of “Do it my way or you’ll never see your grandchild again”!! They must be stark raving bonkers!

I’ll have my DGC anytime. I refuse to have them according to a list of dos and donts. You want me to have them for you to work, go shopping, have your hair done, date nights… Fine. Great. I’ll have them anytime. I’m perfectly capable of bringing up children. If you don’t like my way of doing things you are free to find someone else to have them.

My DS’s, DIL’s, DD and SIL have never raised an issue. They can’t have a problem because I see my DGC several times a week. They have had many experiences here that they don’t have at home.

GP’s generally have more time and patience than parents because we know they will be going home and then it’s our time to relax.

Any parent who is parenting, according to the needs of their child, wouldn’t be stipulating silly rules. They will be happy that their child is growing up in a variety of caring environments with love, warmth and stimulation.

“I’m creating stupid rules that you must obey because I'm the parent” is a nonsense and not needed!

Show quote history

This ^^ With bells on.

I have two DIL’s with young children who are virtually the same age. They are my DS’s too but for this post I’m only going to mention DILs as they are the ones dropping off and picking up

I have DIL1’s youngest (now 3) twice a week for her to work. Her dm has him the other two days. The eldest in now in school so doesn’t need day care.

She brings DGS in. Thanks me for having him. Tells him be good for nanna and he can tell her all about his day when she collects him. Then she’s gone.

DGS is given a choice of foods for his breakfast and lunch. He eats all and is given ice cream or whatever he chooses for dessert. If he gets tired he has a nap. No set naptime and that’s how they have always been. He loves helping Grampy out the garden. He gets muddy. He is cleaned up and his clothes changed. We go for a walk to the park and woods. He loves being outdoors. He splashes in muddy puddles in his wellies. He may have a few mud splashes on his trousers when he is collected. His mum loves hearing about his day.

DIL2 Drops DGD(3) off for the day, always at short notice. Usually to go for coffee with her friends, hair apts, or just a child free shopping day. She comes armed with her list -

  • Don’t let her sleep after 2pm. If she falls asleep at 1.45 wake her up at 2. She’ll have to grizzle (great!! There’s nothing I love more than a grizzling child to deal with! 🤬)
  • Her lunch is in her bag (always wholemeal pasta and mayo - nothing else!) A Freddo, a pkt of quavers and a carton of orange juice!!
  • Don’t give her anything else to eat
  • Make sure she doesn’t get dirty
  • Don’t let her watch TV. She can watch Peppa Pig tonight before she has a bath
  • And the list goes on….. 🙄

My heart sinks when I get that “Will you have E for me tomorrow please?”

I’m just hoping she doesn’t get to hear that DIL’s dc will be staying overnight on the weekend because I will, inevitably, get the “You had the boys overnight then? Maybe you’d like to have J and E one night for us to go out?”

Ummm… No! I’d rather not. Thank you!!

Goblet93 · 22/03/2024 13:03

Hettie24 · 21/03/2024 19:15

It seems GP’s are expected to “care for” their DGC because they want to - nothing to do with the parents dumping them because it suits them.

Caring for your grandchildren now appears to be not being able to go out because it interferes with GC’s sleep routine. GP’s must put them down to sleep at a time specified by mother and child is NEVER to be allowed to sleep in a buggy. They are not allowed to sleep past the time stipulated by their parents.

They must never be allowed to experience different foods, tastes or textures and God forbid they ever get dirty!

They must not be taken to soft play, the beach, the park, petting farm or anywhere where their parents haven’t taken them first.

They are never to be given white bread, real butter, chocolate, crisps or anything that doesn’t taste like cardboard really. Yogurts are ok - provided they are the right yogurt, of course 🙄 Anything else is the work of the devil! 🙈

Do not - ever - think of having cake or biscuits in your home in case PFB manages to catch sight of them and never eat “normal” food in front of them. Just get used to eating brown pasta, boiled veg and grapes (which must always be cut into quarters). Only water or full fat milk is allowed. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like full fat milk or want a cup of tea. Your wants and needs must be dismissed because you are overjoyed to have PFB dumped on you ad hoc for his/her parents to have a break… right! 🤨

Honestly, I can’t believe what silly “rules” my friends put up with under the threat of “Do it my way or you’ll never see your grandchild again”!! They must be stark raving bonkers!

I’ll have my DGC anytime. I refuse to have them according to a list of dos and donts. You want me to have them for you to work, go shopping, have your hair done, date nights… Fine. Great. I’ll have them anytime. I’m perfectly capable of bringing up children. If you don’t like my way of doing things you are free to find someone else to have them.

My DS’s, DIL’s, DD and SIL have never raised an issue. They can’t have a problem because I see my DGC several times a week. They have had many experiences here that they don’t have at home.

GP’s generally have more time and patience than parents because we know they will be going home and then it’s our time to relax.

Any parent who is parenting, according to the needs of their child, wouldn’t be stipulating silly rules. They will be happy that their child is growing up in a variety of caring environments with love, warmth and stimulation.

“I’m creating stupid rules that you must obey because I'm the parent” is a nonsense and not needed!

Show quote history

Sleep and naps are an extremely important structure to a baby and toddler for their wellbeing and that of the parents. We don’t leave our kids to cry it out anymore if they wake, your sleep might not be impacted but the parents will and they still have to respond to the child and get up for work the next day.

I think it’s a case of communication rather than assumption. Yes I’d like to be most of my child’s firsts, most parents would. I’m their mother, I don’t want to miss out. My parents and in laws had their children, they had their firsts with them. My kids aren’t a do over. Parents miss out on such a lot as generally they need to work, where I can be their first I want to be.

Your post is very extreme, often parents have good reason for their requests - such as quartering grapes so they are not a choking hazard. Research means we know more about child safety nowadays in so many areas. That’s not a bad thing. Your way is not the best way, if grandparents are unwilling to at least try and take some of this on board because they did it differently and their children by luck were fine, that is unreasonable. My child’s safety based on knowledge thanks to advances in research will not be comprised over stubbornness to change by grandparents. So yes, my “rules”.

Goblet93 · 22/03/2024 13:16

RandomSunday · 22/03/2024 12:13

This ^^ With bells on.

I have two DIL’s with young children who are virtually the same age. They are my DS’s too but for this post I’m only going to mention DILs as they are the ones dropping off and picking up

I have DIL1’s youngest (now 3) twice a week for her to work. Her dm has him the other two days. The eldest in now in school so doesn’t need day care.

She brings DGS in. Thanks me for having him. Tells him be good for nanna and he can tell her all about his day when she collects him. Then she’s gone.

DGS is given a choice of foods for his breakfast and lunch. He eats all and is given ice cream or whatever he chooses for dessert. If he gets tired he has a nap. No set naptime and that’s how they have always been. He loves helping Grampy out the garden. He gets muddy. He is cleaned up and his clothes changed. We go for a walk to the park and woods. He loves being outdoors. He splashes in muddy puddles in his wellies. He may have a few mud splashes on his trousers when he is collected. His mum loves hearing about his day.

DIL2 Drops DGD(3) off for the day, always at short notice. Usually to go for coffee with her friends, hair apts, or just a child free shopping day. She comes armed with her list -

  • Don’t let her sleep after 2pm. If she falls asleep at 1.45 wake her up at 2. She’ll have to grizzle (great!! There’s nothing I love more than a grizzling child to deal with! 🤬)
  • Her lunch is in her bag (always wholemeal pasta and mayo - nothing else!) A Freddo, a pkt of quavers and a carton of orange juice!!
  • Don’t give her anything else to eat
  • Make sure she doesn’t get dirty
  • Don’t let her watch TV. She can watch Peppa Pig tonight before she has a bath
  • And the list goes on….. 🙄

My heart sinks when I get that “Will you have E for me tomorrow please?”

I’m just hoping she doesn’t get to hear that DIL’s dc will be staying overnight on the weekend because I will, inevitably, get the “You had the boys overnight then? Maybe you’d like to have J and E one night for us to go out?”

Ummm… No! I’d rather not. Thank you!!

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There’s probably a reason for those rules, have you ever asked? You can always say no and sounds like you should if it’s bothering you that much having to “deal” with a toddler that might be a bit grumpy for a little while.

When I ask for childcare it’s sometimes to indulge myself as well. Mothers are human too, we deserve a break and a haircut 😂

DrCoconut · 22/03/2024 13:57

@Hettie24 I realise it's an extreme example but there was a case where a grandmother killed her grandchild by feeding her something she was allergic to. The parents had said don't but the grandmother was my house my rules etc and decided to try and prove that allergies are modern nonsense. So while I get your point I think with food the parents get the final say (unless it is obviously harmful).