Grandparents keep giving toddler milky tea

[MrsTrue]

So for the third (maybe fourth) time me and DH have picked up our DD from grandparents around 6-7pm after they've had her for a few hours to be told she's had 'milky tea'. She's 21 months old.

We don't give her any caffeine at all and has asked them 3 times not to do it, we even offered bring round decaf tea bags for them as we drink decaf at home.

DH picked her up earlier to be told she had it again today. I'm really annoyed it's happened again and feel it's impacting her sleep. Apparently it's so weak ot wouldn't have an impact (it's the teabag they've used dipped in water and a splash of milk).

Am I right to be annoyed, or overreacting?

Oh! I don’t get given a list of rules. My adult DC and their partners trust me to look after their DC. I’ve been providing day care for them long enough. My eldest DGD is now 20. The youngest is 3. None of them have strict rules at home or demand that I adhere to a strict regime.

Babies and toddlers are easily able to sleep in a pushchair/buggy. There’s no need for grandparents to give up their day to stay in for a gc to sleep lol!

My post is regarding the ridiculous things my friends have either fallen out with their DIL’s over or they continue to walk on eggshells in fear that they will be prevented from having a relationship with the DGC.

One set are not allowed to have a slice of cake with their cup of tea “In case 4 year old DGC asks for a taste”. God forbid a 4 year old tastes a piece of cake 😳 They’ve been told not to so they don’t! 🙄 Sorry, that wouldn’t happen in my house. Nobody tells me what I can eat and when. If DGC has a small piece of lemon drizzle so what?!

I’ve taken my DGC for many “firsts”. Their parents are happy that they get to experience different things. Experiences they wouldn’t necessarily do with their parents. Nobody died!

I’m with PP on this. I love having my DGC. They are all happy, loving, inquisitive children who enjoy what life has to offer. I wouldn’t relish having overtired, miserable DGC., who are not allowed to eat a variety of foods (unless there’s good reason), never have fun because they’re afraid of getting their clothes/hands dirty. And not allowed to sleep unless it’s in the times according to mums strict regime!

Thats no fun for anyone. And definitely wouldn’t be happening here. If DILs don’t like my way of raising children they would be free to palm them off on someone else.

Thats no fun for anyone. And definitely wouldn’t be happening here. If DILs don’t like my way of raising children they would be free to palm them off on someone else.

If they did palm (your beloved grandchildren) off to someone else, they'd be selfish and not letting you see them.

Not that hard to just not lie whilst still doing the same thing the parents have asked you don't do, blimey

often parents have good reason for their requests - such as quartering grapes so they are not a choking hazard

Grapes can be a choking hazard!? You don’t say! You’ll find all GM’s were mothers themselves once and know which foods are choking hazards. Say it once if you need to. There’s no need to tell GP’s to cut grapes every time a child is dropped off.

Some might think you believe all GPs to be thick! We all stood in your shoes once - and for a lot longer.

Elderly? I'm a grandmother of a2 7 and 15 year old and im 52. Less of the elderly thx

Oh and there is just under 5 years between my son and eldest daughter so I'm quite sure I'm not that " out of date" with things. And I've managed 32 years of parenting so far for them all to be alive and healthy

There’s probably a reason for those rules, have you ever asked

I don’t need to ask. DIL is obsessed that her DD doesn’t get fat 🙄 What possible good reason could there be for a 3 year old to not get dirty? I’m all ears. She has no health issues. As for her nap - well I allow DGD to sleep for an hour no matter what time she falls asleep. I’m more interested in the well being of my grandaughter than I am about the unrealistic rules from her mother.

I always said I won’t be having any of them overnight until the eldest is 10. DS and DIL have been invited to her cousins wedding this weekend and her mother has been invited too so I’ve agreed to have the dgc for the weekend. I know they‘ll be fine. I also know the other DIL will be straight on the phone if she thinks DS1 is having something she’s not.

I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided I won’t be having DIL2’s dc overnight until she can drop them off without a list of rules and be prepared for them to enjoy a sleepover with their GP’s without her input.

Let’s see how this goes 🤔

OP has reduced contact because of GPs failure to stick to previous requests. I can understand why she is frustrated, but reducing her child’s contact with extended family members is not the answer, in my opinion.

The OP admits that she perhaps needs to be more forceful, as she thinks that the GPs may have not taken her no-tea request seriously. They don’t seem to have made any attempt to hide it and possibly don’t realise the strength of feeling OP has about these matters. She doesn’t say they agreed not to do it, so I am not sure they would feel the need to lie. I wonder how clear OPs communication was. I would recommend that OP talks to GPs again to explain herself more clearly, if she is confident that her approach is correct. GPs need to be a bit more upfront too and say if they find OPs rules overbearing - although given that contact has been reduced already, I hazard a guess that they are well aware of the potential consequences of doing so. Communicating openly could surely sort out this issue?

She should perhaps not ask them to collect from nursery or look after the child when she or DH have appointments if she thinks her child will be unsafe and cannot trust GPs to look after her. If OP does trust GPs to keep her child safe, but cannot tolerate their different boundaries, it suggests her hurt feelings caused by their ‘disrespect’ are taking precedence over her child’s going relationship, which is not a good outcome for the child.

That’s great, a list of “rules” doesn’t mean a lack of trust. It is a communication of needs. Not sure how that’s always a negative, there’s almost always a reason behind it.

You can have your opinion on cake, no cake, but it’s not your child. It’s great your views align with those of your children when it comes to your grandchildren with your unwillingness to do anything other than what you want to do anyway. It’s also telling you view it as “palming” off when it’s not your way

You’d be surprised. My in laws didn’t know and only found out that they didn't by chance. I will say it however many times as it’s my child’s safety and clearly grandparents feel they know better and ignore simple requests depending on their own views.

This isn’t a competition, it sounds like you have issues with feeling undermined. Times have changed, some things you don’t know better on.

Oh dear, not a dietary requirement or something then! Does sounds neglectful tbh.

That’s fair, you’re entitled to your boundaries also!

....Or they could just drink water? 🤔

Sorry? You think I feel undermined? By who??

I'm curious @Hettie24 as to how your dils are expected to know what you know and don't know? My parents didn't know about grapes. They also didn't have up to date info on how to safely prepare bottles and believe the safest way for a baby to sleep is on their side so their head doesn't get flat. They aren't stupid people, it's just been a long time since they parented, infact guidance has even changed since they babysat my 7 year old nephew. You're expecting your dil to use some psychic ability to know what information you have/ don't have. We know information and research is constantly changing so why would you take it as a sign they think you don't know things or as some sort of criticism when it's just communication to ensure the safety of their child?

My DC didn’t feel the need to mention cutting up grapes to me. WTF are you on about? It’s some random poster who saw fit to tell me about cutting up grapes 🙈 After parenting 3 of my own, 2 adopted, 27 foster children and 5 DGC from the ages 20 to 3 what makes you think I have no idea about cutting up grapes or how to lay a baby to sleep?

MN is bonkers on times! 😂

I’m not interested in what other GP’s or mothers know.

I simply answered a question put to me - a very weird question, granted, taken completely out of context. But there we go 🫣

DIL 1 , sounds great
DIL 2 , a pain in the arse.

OMG! Not a cup of weak, milky tea! Why would you leave your toddler with these awful people OP?

But seriously
You know billions of children have been brought up on a cup of milk and water with a drip of a teabag for centuries. My parents, myself, my siblings and all our dc included. My dgc love an occasional cup of tea and slice of white toast for breakfast.

Ultimately it’s your choice to deny your dc a relationship with their DGPS. Nobody on an anonymous forum can tell you what to do. Only you know if the relationship is worth saving or breaking ❤️

To clarify, I think you don’t like being undermined, not that you currently are. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

Times have changed, yes you brought up your children, they are alive, and you did the best with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. Things are different now, and they will be different again when my children have children and I’d like to think I’d have an open mind and respect my children’s parenting or safety techniques based on modern times for them. I’m doing my best with the research that is available to me now, I’m sure some of what I do now will be frowned upon in 30 years time!

If the “random poster” you’re referring to is me, you mentioned quartered grapes first in your rant about stupid rules that get imposed when GC go to GPs. I was replying to that and I don’t recall asking you a question. If you agree with it then I’m not sure why you said it, probably because you don’t like being told what to do even if it’s something you agree with.

If you want to be there for your child’s firsts, then be there. It wasn’t always possible for me, as I had to work and so reluctantly accepted this. I’ve no doubt that the nursery staff probably witnessed my child’s first steps, but I was non the wiser 😂

Please understand that your way will not always be the best or only way either. It’s rather insulting to suggest that people of grandparent age are not aware of choking hazards or all the other things that some current mums of young children imagine they are the first to discover. Do you actually think current GPs have no knowledge of such things? I suppose their considerable experience and knowledge is worth very little? I was also ‘that’ new parent - appalled at my mother’s ‘slack’ and ‘irresponsible’ grandparenting. Then I gained more experience and became better at it, although never quite as laid back as my mum! 😂

You will be aware that by the time you are grandparent age, in maybe 20 years, your methods will probably be considered antiquated, dangerous and out of touch, if you really believe research has changed our understanding so rapidly and that we knew so little 20 years ago. I hope your children don’t deny your grandchildren positive relationships with you, because you have no clue how to keep them safe. Your ‘rules’ may well will be a laughing stock.

I recognise your commitment to not compromising to your child’s safety, but that is a minimum requirement that we all ensure, surely?

If you’re the poster who keeps wittering on telling me how to cut up grapes after I said that was a one “ridiculous rule” that mums stipulate to GP’s when they hand over their dc, for free childcare, then yes it was you. Frankly I’m bored by your never ending senseless picking that I can’t be bothered to check who said what.

Cutting up grapes isn’t a new thing. I have no idea why you think it is. My eldest is 42 (probably older than you) and parents knew to cut up grapes all those years ago. I can remember my mum cutting up grapes for my sisters children when I was a teenager. I know! Shocking that you weren’t the first to know about choking hazards isn’t it?

By all means tell your mum to make sure she cuts up grapes for your dc. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your words of wisdom. Have a good evening 👍

Blimey, how long ago did they parent? What was the issue with bottles? Have things changed so much in the last 30-40 years? Just checking, in case I become a grandparent - I was a pretty shit parent tbh, so starting to panic 😬

@Hettie24 you mentioned grape cutting in this post which was the first I saw mention of it but I may have missed earlier posts. The point in itself still stands whether it's about grapes/ bottles/ whatever. My point is that what you're describing could also just be a parent trying to communicate with you so they can relax and know you know the same info as them in order to keep their child safe. Again, why you feel the need to give me a list of all the parenting you've done I'm not sure - noone is attacking you. I'm merely saying that noone knows what you know or don't know, it's not about the grapes that's just an example!

Also, especially given all your experience you must recognise that not all gp have the same knowledge, resource, support etc. So again, it's strange to me that you're so quick to generalise. In your case it sounds like your family know your views align and you're very thorough. In my case it's not the same and my mum would give me advice that I now know to be questionable through my own research and learning. We don't really know what the gp in ops case are like so why are you assuming they know all that you know.

In my case I breastfed and noone else in my family did so they weren't sure how that worked. The guidance around making bottles of formula in advance I believe changed between them parenting and them babysitting my nephew. My parents are in their 60s and 70s but again, I guess I'm going off the information they have as individuals, which may not be reflective of the general information that was around at the time. But I remember my mum putting my nice and nephew to sleep on their stomach or propping them onto their side and believing that was best. They'd also advised me to give fruit juice to relieve constipation when ds was 3 months old.

You’re ok @Wonderfrau Ive been a parent for 34 years. Nothings changed. Bottles are made up exactly the same way, grapes are cut exactly the same way, some DCs are allowed milky weak tea, sometimes, others aren’t. Some are given cartons of orange juice, some are only allowed water. Some can only eat wholewheat pasta and freddo bars while others get to enjoy a variety of foods. One minute babies are safer laying on the backs, the next it’s best for babies to be put on their sides, then front is best - this advice will be rotated every few years. Mother know best. Same old trope.

The only thing that hasn’t changed is breast is best but I guess you won’t need to worry about that 😉

And babies and toddlers need to sleep at some point during the day. Just saying in case you didn’t know. Because when you become a grandparent you suddenly forget everything and need to be reminded constantly.

Best you obtain a list of do’s and don’ts from the adult offspring you managed to raise before you agree to babysit your gc. Because chances are you won’t be allowed to use basic common sense and maternal instinct. This mainly applies if your the MIL. You can, usually, do what you like if you’re the maternal grandmother.

HTH

Nope I haven’t told you anything of the sort, you brought up the grapes 😂 it’s not a ridiculous rule then if that’s what you would do anyway, you just don’t want to be told what to do which is frankly childish and backed up by the petulance in your posts.

Have the evening you deserve 👍🏻