to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

I took an extra month unpaid to go back at 5 months and I was so ready for it paid was only 14 weeks then). Dc went to Creche near my office as wfh was not an option but it was absolutely fine once I settled into a routine and was flexible to change as dc developed.

But I absolutely was so happy to get back to being a person as well as "mum".

It's perfectly okay to go back to work at 5 months. In fact, lots of people do shared parental leave now and go back around that time while the other parent takes the remainder of the time.

But do not underestimate how exhausted you may be. Working a 35 hour a week job when you can relax in the evenings and get a full night's sleep and have your weekends off is completely different to what life will be like as parents.

Try setting your alarm to wake you for every two hours during the night, then get up at 6am, work a full day, and spend the evening doing housework, no getting to sit down and rest with feet up, then back to bed with alarm set for every two hours, and then do it again the next night, and repeat. You will be tired with a 5 month old as it's a really difficult age for sleep, and you won't have your evenings to re-charge if you are the sole parent in charge while your dh is working, meaning bath and bedtime all you, cooking dinner, tidying up the kitchen, and then you'll go to bed and only get an hour or two before you have to get up again.

Is it possible? Yes, people do it when they have to. But there is a reason most people take off the full 9 months or a year. Because it's exhausting and you will get through the days, but you will not be functioning at your best. Honestly, my physical and mental health was worth more to me than not missing out on time at work.

I think it's fine for you to go back to work whenever you want to. However, if you're working from home, someone else needs to be doing all the childcare during working hours.

I work for a really flexible and family-friendly UK employer and we're mostly home-based but apart from occasional emergencies, we would absolutely not be allowed to work from home while also looking after a baby.

I went back after 6 months - I'm the bigger earner in the house, and had full pay for 6months and then dropped to SMP. I chose to go back to work rather than SMP which wouldn't have covered mortgage let alone all the other bills.

DH took shared parental leave (paid SMP equivalent) from when baby was 6 months to 9 months then we sent baby to nursery 3 days per week and had grandparent help the other days. I also used some annual leave to take 1-2 days per week off with baby for a while too.

All worked out well in our case. My friends all thought it was a bit odd as they all took the full 1 year + annual leave but honestly worked fine for me. I took 1 year with my eldest child and tbh I was bored out of my mind most of it.

If your DH and mum are looking after the baby while you work, it's absolutely doable. It wouldn't have suited me, but in your circumstances I can see why it's a good option.

I understand your plans now, yes if DH is looking after in the daytime that should be fine. Bear in mind you might not be getting much sleep, that's all.

I think people are ignoring the fact that the DH is in fact working during the day, but needs 3 hours in the evening uninterrupted as that's when he is busiest.

YABU thinking that's its ok for DH to care for baby whilst he is also working, regardless of how laid back it is. Babies need a lot of interaction and having their needs met.

You can't effectively focus on both at the same time. Either pay for childcare or have your mum do the childcare whilst you are both working.

DH. He only needs to work work (rest is just making sure website is running) 5-8pm 4 days a week. When I’d take over

This is what the OP had said, so the husband is still working during the day??? No matter whether its 'work work', can you guarantee that he won't need to do more during the day?

It would be great for DH to do the childcare, but not if he is working, regardless of what it is he's doing during the quieter time.

It sounds to me like either DH needs to say he's happy to have baby all day until 5, or you need to start childcare sooner (most will accept babies this age). If you only want 5 months maternity leave that's up to you. You might change your mind when baby is here, but also you might not.

She wasn't planning to Obviously you've not read the full thread

I went back when my DD was 4 months and by DH stayed at home with her. I had some holiday built up so did 3 days a week for a few weeks which helped - can you do 3/4 days for a few weeks just to get back into it.
In principle there is nothing wrong with going back at 5 months if you have the childcare and support in place.

I went back 5 months after the birth. It was fine. I exclusively breastfed until 6 months old, expressing at work. And then a mix formula at childcare, breast at home.

I would have gone mad if I'd taken a year out.

When I had my DD mat leave was 6 weeks before and 12 weeks after. I went back after 12 weeks working round my DH's shifts, it was skin of the teeth sometimes in terms of swapping over when he came home and I went out or vice versa, but we managed and she thrived. Good luck

I think based on your replies that you really really don’t know how hard what you’re going to do is. We are established parents and when number 3 came along we struggled even though we worked at opposing times and their dad is an equal partner. With my older two I was fine going back early, with my youngest I cried in the bathroom on my first day and every day for weeks.

It’s not that going back early makes you a bad mum, it’s that you’re not listening to people asking if you’re sure about your future arrangement because it is a very precarious situation.

Bluntly, just one thing goes wrong and you’re fucked girlie. Baby is colicky, dad struggles (EVERYONE struggles), any health condition incl you like ppd, baby doesn’t sleep at night, granny decides she likes the cuddle role more than the work. It is a prudent idea to make contingencies. Have those backups and looking into things now so the groundwork is already laid for you, is only sensible.

It’s a super personal thing. You do what works for you. I went back after 6 months and l had twins, to be honest it annoys me people go about it even now e.g. they were SO YOUNG when you went back to work. 6 months was right for me doing 3.5 days a week and twins are doing very well. Hitting all of their milestones and more. My husband went back to work when they were a month old and everyone goes on about how amazing he was to do this 🙄

PS what helped is they sleep through the night from 4 months old but obviously that isn’t guaranteed

I went back to work 6 weeks after son was born that was in 2002. He was born in December and by the end of January I was back to work. I had to as hubby (back then the boyfriend) was out of work and we did what we had to do. He looked after son during the day and they have a fabulous bond now. We have no regrets, I took the full 9 months (as it was back in 2004) when I had our daughter as hubby was working then . It is doable.

Massively depends on the baby. Some can be much easier than others. You won't know until they arrive.

I wouldn’t have wanted to and
cpuldnt have done this with either of mine. Both were still up all hours in the night at 5 months, both were very clingy during the day, both were a lot of work and I was still very much in a haze at 5 months pp. I returned at 11m and 13m with them, I’m a childminder so they were with me for it. And it was still hrs enough tbh 😂 baby brain is real.
currently pregnant with my third and I’ll be returning to work on school runs when he is 6 months. Which will be twice a week for 2 hours. And I think even that might be tricky 😂
I couldn’t have thought about returning at 5 months to a full time intense job without any childcare in place. All children are different though, but you don’t know yet what your child will be like.

Babies are hard wired by nature to want their mum. Neither of mine has ever cried for dad, in fact have actively cried for
me and would only settle for me for months, years in fact! My daughter is 5 and only during
this pregnancy has settled for dad. I think you may be in for a little shock with how needy for mums babies can be.

I think you will be fine with 5 months ML, our year is really long compared to most places and relatively new here. There was only 6 months when my DC were born and actually going back to work after 6 months was almost too long to be able to pick up where I left off. You'll certainly be fine physically/health wise.

You will not be able to do it whilst also minding a baby, you'll need to organise childcare.

Basically what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t make this decision now. You don’t need to.
make the decision when your baby is here and you’ve experienced it for awhile, and see how you feel, see how baby is and see what you think and feel closer to the time.
you will still more than likely be up a lot
in the night at 5 months, and if you’re breastfeeding you will be the one tired, not dh. Which may also impact on how you feel about returning to work.
i think you can do whatever you want
to do, but I think it’s too early to decide just now.

I went back to work after 4.5 months mat leave due to DH losing his job and it being the first lockdown. I was at home with them the entire first year of his life while DH looked after him. Honestly, I was quite relieved as I struggled after having him and work saved me. We are all very different and I think you can give it a go and then take some annual leave to bond with baby. I think if you can be flexible about work you will be ok.

If possible, I would sign up to some baby classes you can reliably attend and make sure you have a group of mums around you to support during the early months. Also, have some time for just you and baby during the day sometimes so you can bond. I think the more flexible this arrangement can be the better so you can adjust as baby grows up.

In your heart you don't want a year off which is fine. You do accrue leave whilst on Maternity Leave so you could probably do six months with two weeks of SMP and two weeks leave. If you only want to do five months that's ok too. You may feel differently once the baby is born so maybe opt for longer then do an earlier return if you feel you want to.

Why is baby booked for nursery at 12 months, when you want to go back to work at 5 months? Or is grandma taking the baby for 2-3 days a week?
Baby will start crawling at 7 months and then you need eyes in the back of your head. They also need a lot of stimulation and engagement and routines.
If you're lucky, your baby will sleep well, but teething starts at c.4months.
You have no obligation to tell employers when you're coming back to work.
I'd keep all your options open until you find out what it's like to be a mother and how easy your baby is to look after.