to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

DH would be fine with my mum living with us and ensuring she has a “granny annexe” is in his mind for our next house move. I have the best mum in the world and I would be blessed to spend more time with her than I already do. My dad just gets in the way of that 😂

My mum is supportive (she only had 2 weeks maternity. Said it was hell but it was that or poverty). DH also thinks it’s fine. It’s EVERYONE ELSE. Every person with a child giving their opinion.

This was exactly what my friend did, her partner looks after baby and she works. She went back around 5/6mth mark, wfh, and she's been loving it as its best of both

Yes- my job is so similar. I will happily do this job until I don’t have to work. It is such an amazing job right now that it would be stupid for me to do anything to jeopardise it. It’s not hard or stressful (most of the time)

Being away for a year WOULD be bad. I have seen it happen, I took the woman’s work, she can’t remember anything, she is so stressed. They have spent all their savings.

With a high income comes high expenditure. We live modest lives but our mortgage just doubled. DH’s business is self sustainable except for the things he does in the evening - he would just send emails or keep up socials whilst with baby, no different to my friends being on WhatsApp to me all through their days on maternity or watching MAFS in the background.

I don’t want a nanny, I don’t want to use my savings and I don’t want to send my child to nursery before 12 months. He’s with his father. It’s a case of deal with it if the baby doesn’t settle and eventually he will.

Obviously in a year’s time I’ll update this thread with how this all went 😂

I think that's a very old fashioned way of looking at things. Many men now take split paternity where the mother goes back around 5/6mth stage and the father takes over caring for their child for the next few months

Whilst I understand your perspective (and haven't read all the way through), what you don't realise is that there is another person in this equation. I had no idea that a baby wasn't just a baby, it was another person! I have 4 children and, fortunately my first born was high spectrum Autistic. I had ZERO experience of this but over 34 years of being with my partner has taught me that it was obvious on both sides.

But the point of my post is that I had sohhhh many expectations. It was 24 years ago but I seriously thought I could give birth and renovate a house in the 3 months maternity leave that I was allowed back then. After all what do babies do. Eat and sleep?! I was so up for being a super mum, but reality was that I didn't make it out of my front door until I needed to go to my 6 week checkup. I was sohhh deluded. Then, 3 years later I gave birth to her sister and was totally prepared for the worst. It was an awful birth where I lost 1.5 litres of blood and had to have multiple transfusions. Yet 2 days later was at the park with my newborn and toddler happily enjoying life.

So what I'm trying to say is that whilst you know what you can do, you don't, yet, know what your baby is prepared to let you do.

In this relationship there are two people and I think this is often discounted. My first born didn't/doesn't like being held unless it's under her conditions. Yes this is towards the extreme end, but it does highlight that you can't know you gorgeous baby's feelings until their born.

Good luck, but don't make ANY long lasting decisions until you meet the other person in this relationship.

Wfh and care for a child. Depends completely on the child IMO, although perhaps also the parent and support from others. If parent A works while parent B deals with child, when do they sleep. Will they ever see each other.
Babies vary in their needs, look up dragons, unicorns and potato babies and consider what if?

But as a plan, it might work.

You can do this absolutely. Dad is doing days, you are still around if needed and you take over in the evenings. Why would it not work?

Not the point of the thread but what job are you doing that allows you a high salary with flexibility and little stress?

Then go for it absolutely and I understand

We are also doing things differently to the norm. Both taking a year plus off and then DH will SAHP while I return FT.

Everyone we don't know very well is aghast at how we can afford this. Tell them this is instead of buying a house and they are even more aghast. Anyone who does know us well understands where our priorities lay.

There should be no issue so long as your husband actually steps up & does all things baby whilst you work, or your Mum does. Totally agree that he should be able to look after your child just as you would.

just mentioning this as I’ve currently got a 5 month old baby & was worried that when they were born I would feel lost & at a loose end with nothing to do when they slept all day. That’s not how it goes & you are endlessly sleep deprived for the first wee while. Dependent on how you get on with sleeping & eating you might be working on a 3 hour cycle for some considerable time. You would be rubbish at your job unless you make sure your DM & DH won’t distract you with baby when you are working.

I think you should do what works best for you and your family Op.

That said, I think it’s all academic until you meet the baby and find out what they are like! I could have worked with my first from 5 months with GPs and DH support if I just needed to breastfeed, but no way could I have done that with my second child.

Every baby is different and every person has their own joys and challenges in their journey. Don’t make any promises right now. Just put the plan in place and agree a reasonable notice period (say 2/3 months) with your work to confirm if you decide to take some more or all of our legal entitlement.

Then meet your baby, adjust to being a family and see how you want to roll.

All the best for everything and remember, you do you - don’t worry about everyone else.

When mine were small, it was 13 weeks paid and up to 36 more unpaid (unless you are poor enough for benefits). My employers were good enough for 6 months pay at 90%. No free childcare etc. We all either stopped working for 2,3 or 5 years, or we went back at 6 months.
Babies, if they have a caring consistent routine are OK with this, but it is you who might not. They will learn to call her mamma too.

(I used to breastfeed at breakfast and evening, and last night feed, and express for child minder for lunch)

If you have the support then logistically you are fine to go back after 5 months. It's really about personal circumstances. I'm 9 months in and grateful I could take a year, but then my OH decided he didn't want to be a Dad 3 days in (after years of trying, IVF etc). At 5 months my son was only just starting to develop a routine so I would give thought to expressing in case baby is hungry when you are not available.

Plenty of women don't take the full year. I'm very grateful for it, but it's your family. Do what is best for you.

I think sometimes people misunderstand what maternity leave is about. It's not "just" about looking after a newborn... it's about YOU and YOUR health!....for instance could you work properly if your baby has had you awake every night for eight months? It's about the mother recovering if it's been a traumatic birth, it's about your hormones being all over the place, it's about, with the best will in the world, your partner not being able to breastfeed so when the baby needs feeding at 3am so it will be you waking up (expressing milk for this purpose creates more work for you and isn't always possible). The fact is you won't know until your baby comes along what is or isn't going to be possible, especially as this is your first. I would be telling your company you are keen to start work again after five months but you would like to wait and see how it goes.

Of course it’s doable. My dc are in their 20s and when they were born it was about 13 weeks paid maternity leave. I had a few weeks holiday but definitely went back to work after around 4-5 months. Everyone did I reckon, certainly in my circle.

I would have thought you would have considered this before you became pregnant, as it sounds like the baby is an inconvenience for you career progression, and it will be the one trying to fit into your routine rather than vice-versa.
Also, what happens if anything happens to your mother? Illness, for example, or she realises caring for a baby full time isn't the picnic she thought it would be?

Yanbu to go back to work after 5 months (although I wouldn’t have wanted to) but yabu to think you can work with a baby around!

I took 5 months maternity leave, because 20 years ago, that's what we were offered. It was plenty. I organised a nursery and a live in aupair before the birth, and just got on with it, because there was no choice.

The baby is 21 now and he doesn't seem to have any sequels 😃

You'll arrange your child.care between you, your partner.and mum, and go back to work. Nothing to think of. I went back.after 10 weeks. At the time mat.pay was 6 weeks full.pay 6 weeks half pay. Don't over think things, just have a plan in place.

If it’s a US company won’t 5-8pm UK time be fairly important hours for you to be available?

I think it's fine. I took a year but frankly wanted to go back after 2 weeks. You can always change your mind if you find you absolutely love being stuck at home with your baby 😂

I'm in Belgium. Maternity leave here is anything from 3 to 6 months. You yourself will be fine with 5. I agree a year is much nicer, but with the support you have you'll be fine 😊 Here most babies go to daycare or spend days with a private childminder, lots of parents work part-time around the hours they have someone extra for their children. Really, I think it's feasable!

OP you've got YEARS ahead of you of people offering unsolicited advice on your parenting decisions Now is the time to learn when to filter out what is helpful and ignore what isn't!

Your proposal of 5 months mat leave and then DH being full time carer is perfectly fine and increasingly normal.

I've known several couples doing shared parental leave since it came in and it was a great arrangement. Dad gets a strong bond with child and learns what parenting really involves, you aren't bored shitless at home for 12 months and get to maintain your good reputation and work. Win, win.

If wfh it should really be viewed the same as going out to work to pay full full attention to your job. You are either at work or parenting, can someone working in a shop have their baby with them while serving you? I find it quite unprofessional and unfair to job and child when people think they can and should do both at the same time just because they wfh. As others have said, a nanny/nursery or take extra time?