to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

how very anti feminist of you.

I want a baby. I want a job. I’m not trying to get promoted, I don’t want to be. I love doing the exact thing I’m doing.

God forbid if anything happened to my mum, my husband who also wanted the baby will just do all the care. As any capable father should be able to.

No - I work independently. Our UK sub exists purely to deal with Europe. So actually, today for example, I haven’t done anything since 4pm. I was also waiting around on a response so worked 930-1130 then 230-4. There’ll be days I’m flat out and many days like this.

The OP has said her husband will be looking after baby while she is working.

I apologise, I thought it said he was also working so to have to look after a baby and then toddler while wfh is challenging and impossible to give your best to both. Xx

I feel you have the notion that you can feed the baby and then it'll sleep until the next feed or coo lovingly in a bouncer whilst you work?

This is definitely your first - good luck! 🤣😂

Nothing wrong with only taking 5 months maternity leave if that's what you want to do.
I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad and takes care of our disabled child while I work.

A happy mother is a good mother. If you want to go back to work after 5 months and feel able to, do it. If you need extra time off, then deal with that as it arises. I don’t have children but do get the impression that babies lay waste to the best made plans 😂 Just make sure you have childcare in place so you are not pulled from pillar to post while trying to work.

I went back after 8 weeks because I had to financially. Do what works for you. You sound incredibly lucky job wise and would be a shame to not at least attempt a return. Especially if you have support around you xx

You'll learn that everyone has opinions when you have children and you just need to do what works for you. Just be mindful that whatever you plan may need to change so don't be scared to admit it didn't necessarily work and change it if needbe, but change it to what does work for you. Ignore the opinions and do you. Just be honest with yourself though that a new human is coming into your world and any preconceived ideas you have of how that'll be, may well change once the baby is here!

😂😂

as I said, I’ll update in a year’s time with whatever the out come is/was.

I fully expect the baby to need constant entertainment (which is the part that scares me most about motherhood) however that’s where Dad comes in so Mum can ensure the mortgage is covered!

I had 5 mat leave months with DS and 4 months with DD. My maternity pay was 6 weeks full pay, 12 weeks half pay then SMP. I earn more than DH and we live in an expensive area so couldn’t afford more. Both DC did nursery/childminder three days a week and were home with DH the other two.

If you want to go back at 5 months go back at 5 months. Personally I would suggest introduction a bottle of expressed milk from day one as that gives you options. The problem is less during the day when you DH and more the relentlessness of night feeds, plus the exhaustion of working all day. It you can express and use a bottle it gives the benefits of breastmilk but your DH can do feeds. It's impossible to go out with a breastfed 5 mo for more than 2 hours. Longest I could leave my daughter was 4 hours, and breastfeeding does take time (and if you move them and they wake your DH is screwed). We did this bottle approach with our first and it made my life so much easier as I wasn't the only one being relied on for feeds.

I think the only other tip I would say is you also might find 6 months easier - as again due to SIDS the baby has to sleep in the same room as you until then and you can sleep in a separate room if need be whilst your DH does the night feeds. At 6 months they start taking solid food so that changes things too.

The reason mums like to take longer and then drop part-time is that genuinely babies are only babies for a short time. They grow up so so quickly it's just worth it for that extra time. However, I for example have to pay nursery fees which makes it expensive. You've got your mum to help too, so that might give you opportunities to see your LO during the day that others don't!

I had about 5 months with my first and 7 with mum second. No regrets. I was the bigger earner so it was hard to take longer off once pay dropped. I did go to 4 days a week though, and used annual leave owed to do 3 days initially so broke myself back in gently. My DH also went part time and my mum covered the other days. I don't think it would have been any easier to leave them later, possibly harder once more used to not being in work and baby older and more aware of what's going on.

The only issue with my first was that they were a bottle refuser so I had to really push that at 4 months to get ready to go back and ended up stopping BF altogether.

I think I would have found it hard to work from home and not get distracted by what was going on / interfere though! I appreciated having time completely away from baby!

I went back after 7 months and my DH took over solo for another 5 months before we finally put my DD into nursery.

Your setup is absolutely doable, but I would actually suggest that you get out of the house and work from your office at least half of the time. Otherwise, your DH might not fully step up to be a primary caregiver and your baby will be able to smell you in the house and be more whiny.

You are right about the expectations of others - out of my NCT group my DH was the only one to be a primary care giver for any length of time.

I think in theory this sounds like it would work (assuming your boss is ok with the arrangement) but knowing what 6 month old babies are like, what if one of your bursts of work coincides with baby needing a nap or feed or being unsettled. It sounds like it could be stressful from that side of things.

I personally wouldn’t have been able to do it but my job isn’t work from home. I had to go on sick at 6 months because I had issues walking because of pain and water retention and went back when baby was 11 months old. I also didn’t want to go back early.

A friend I met at baby swim went back after 5/6 months and her husband had the the next 6 months. (Both teachers) she loved her job and the husband wanted to have time with the baby.

You are definitely not a “bad” mum for wanting to go back. Your husband I’m sure is a capable human who will manage! It has actually helped my husband bond with her more when he looks after her on his own as when I’m there she just wants me.

good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth and everything else!!!

Best of luck to you @firstimemumconcerns, there's no reason why this shouldn't work, especially if your DH is the one who was so keen to have a baby. Not so sure that he should be solely responsible for night feeds though as somebody suggested, many mothers on here moan when that happens to them when they have been with a baby all day.
Just remember that you can change your mind about any of this if you want to, it doesn't have to be set in stone at this stage and you don't know yet how you will feel.

Look forward to seeing your update in a few months time...

OP, I did something very similar with my first and went back to WFH full-time at six months. My husband was furloughed at the time (it was 2020) so he looked after the baby when I was working, and my mum also helped.

It was totally fine, and I still got loads of time with the baby, including managing the odd breastfeed during breaks or even on conference calls - DS was starting solids by then and had some bottles too but I carried on BFing until he was nearly two. DS was not close to sleeping through when I went back, and I was tired but I'd have been tired anyway so I just coped.

It was good for my marriage for my husband to have some months being the primary carer and doing all the mental load stuff. It was good for the relationship between my son and my husband, too. It was very good for my career to go back when I did and I ended up getting a big promotion a few months after I went back.

Just feeding the baby - every two hours if breastfed - is the tip of the iceberg. Babies need tactile contact with their carer, they do not/may not sleep to a pattern, nor settle after feeding, changing, winding, etc. The US is mean with maternity leave and women are forced to leave tiny babies in daycare or lose their employment. The UK does not do this but gives mothers up to a year to be full-time with their baby, for the baby's sake/good health and development as well as for the mother's health. (I would like to see the much-vaunted 15 hours of funded childcare in the UK given to parents as income/vouchers to provide the care they wish, whether that be in a nursery, with a stay-at-home mum/dad, or with grandparents.) I doubt you will cope with what sounds a demanding job with a five to twelve month baby at the same time. You may also find you do not want to do that, but spend time with your child.

You can breastfeed a baby anywhere, though (I did so in surgeries, markets, restaurants, bus stations etc whenever necessary) so never really left baby at home, and it is not just the breastmilk that matters but the baby being close to the mother, joined to her in the art of feeding, making a dyad that is irreplaceable, building a relationship unlike any other, because it continues the connection between mother and child in the womb. That said, expressed breastmilk so you can go to the cinema, out to dinner etc is always possible.