to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

I found 5 months to be plenty OP. I was bored shitless by then tbh!

I went back when LO was 6 months. No choice, we needed the money. That was fine. Feeding though, was a nightmare - babies (both, we had a younger one too) were very slow feeders. An hour at least for a feed. It would not have fit with work. It wasn't like just hold them and ignore, they needed more time/ attention, winding/ readjustment than that. I would not assume you can work and look after your baby at the same time. Plus then of course after the feeding there was the winding, changing, settling.

We live in another European country with very good parental leave, and DH works in IT and his company has been totally 100% flexible home or office work since COVID. DH took 4 or 5 months (I can't remember now) paternity leave with DS3, and then worked from home. I was looking after DS3 but we don't have a separate office - so he was in the living room with us basically all the time. DH would also do things like hold/entertain DS while I had a shower or ate or just stop and have a cuddle with him to decompress after a meeting or something.

This was all fine until DS got to about 9mo, and then DH found it unsustainable because DS kept trying to crawl up and bash the keyboard, take his headset off, chew his microphone, demand that Daddy come and play, or was just generally being noisy in the background when he was having meetings. So he went back into the office full time instead.

I think your plan makes sense in terms of your saying your employer is quite cut throat and you aren't sure you'd find a similar paying job if you lost this one. That's a plausible reason to go back this early, I think. With such a supportive DH and DM, and a job from home that is not too difficult, you will be absolutely fine I'm sure in terms of managing. What you don't mention at all, though, is whether you are sure you really want to do this? Babies change a lot each week at such a young age, and are so cute at that stage - at that age they really start to play, discover and learn new things constantly, then wean onto solid foods, start to move around... It's an exciting time that not everyone would want to miss with their baby. So I wouldn't so much ask yourself whether you can cope , but whether you are sure you want to do it like this, and wouldn't perhaps resent your employer later.

I think if you use the options you've mentioned, BUT ALSO have some sort of paid for childcare in place for at least a day or two a week (can you condense your hours and do 4 long days) then yes, if you want to go back after 5/6 months then why not?

WFH while looking after a baby wouldn't work for most people, but most people don't also have a second person WFH (with what sounds like almost complete flexibility) and close family willing to do childcare and limitless annual leave for emergencies.

I think you probably need to plan more of a rota though rather than just 'hoping' things will fall into place, because sod's law it will be when you are in one of your busy periods and need to concentrate that DH's business will suddenly hit a peak as well and your mum is ill or whatever.

No problem to only take five months maternity leave if that works for you.

It’s not realistic to expect to do a full-time job with a baby around though. Even if you think the job isn’t too demanding.

That's an insane idea. You'd find it easier to work when the baby is a newborn than 5+ months old. The baby will not just need food, they will need interaction and playing with. They might be crawling, they certainly will not be happy to lie there and be neglected have you ever been around an infant of that age?

You also don't know how you will feel when you have a real life child. My priorities changed completely and I honestly couldn't give a hoot about work now, I think spending time with my baby is more important than merging synergies and running strategies up the flagpole 😬

Also you say GM is excited - does that mean you have discussed and agreed a schedule that she will help out in for a set length of time? Has she committed to a certain number of days or hours of childcare? Coming over to play with a grandbaby is very different to taking on childcare responsibilities.

It's fine to take five months maternity, if that's what you want to do. But you cannot work and simultaneously look after a baby imo. You need nursery place, nanny, or full-time care commitment from partner or relative. If you have a difficult baby especially, it would be impossible to work whilst looking after them.

I'm not quite understanding your question either. If it's whether you could go back at 5 months yes, it is possible. If it's whether you can WFH with a baby then I'd say definitely not! I also think you might be surprised by how attached you might be when your baby arrives.

The thing is that babies do need more attention than just feeding. Yes to an extent you can put them on the floor or in a bouncy chair and let them chill, but they vary in how easily they do this and also how long for.

In fact I tended to find with breastfeeding this was actually the time I was more able to zone out/ignore them basically and have my attention on something else.

I went back at 5 months with both mine and I was fine. No choice really, only got SMP.

Both went to nursery at five months and were very happy. In their 20s now and both very well adjusted

With a job that you don't find massively taxing I wouldn't worry. Don't try to WFH and have them at home as well. They will demand your attention and it just won't work.

I work for the NHS and my mat pay dropped to just SMP after 6 months and this was not affordable for us so I went back at this point with all of my children. However my children were in childcare and not with me.

You would probably need to have an honest conversation with both your husband and your boss as a lot of companies do not tolerate WFH with children around as there are lots of distractions. Perhaps you and your husband could work out a way that you could work opposite each other so neither of you are attempting to work whilst looking after a baby

I went back to work after 6 months for financial reasons, my baby went to nursery/with parents.

I would not contemplate working at home and looking after a baby at the same time. Babies need more attention than just being fed… its neither fair to your employer or to the baby to attempt to do this. (You would be absolutely frazzled if nothing else).

All babies are different. You may have a Velcro baby who cries all the time.

I couldn't have done this with either of mine. And being forced to work with a 5 year old and 11 month old at home during COVID nearly finished me off.

You're on a six figure salary but won't pay for childcare for your baby whilst you work?

I went back to work at 5 months because we only got 6 months when I had DD1. So that’s definitely doable. However you will need proper childcare unless it’s a very flexible job that can be done around naps and when baby settles for the evening.

I know of people in my (v family friendly organisation) who were sacked when it was discovered they were working from home while caring for a baby.

Is your DH ok with having sole responsibility during the working day? Does he know what that will entail.

It sounds like a disaster for everyone tbh.

Why not hire a nanny or both do compressed hours and ask your mum to have the baby on the other days?

The baby deserves to be cared for properly

I had two fairly short maternity leaves (4 months and 5.5 months) then went back to work full time, babies went to nursery. It made financial sense to do this, and I didn't love maternity leave so for me it worked well. They settled into nursery with no issues and loved it there.

5 months maternity is absolutely doable.

Working from home with a 5 month old is a terrible idea, not fair on you, your baby or your employer. If your baby is in the house you will be unable to concentrate properly on your job.

Pay for childcare or take a year off!

Essentially I only want to take 5 months maternity. But EVERYONE keeps telling me I’m wrong / hinting id be a bad mother

Similar working conditions, salaries etc and I took 6 months for my first and 7.5 months for my second. It was perfect! My brain would have turned to mush after 12 months if I'm honest.

Have a look at how many days of AL and bank holidays you will accumulate as well, because you can add them to the end of your mat leave to make it longer or use them for a phased return to work (if your HR agrees). I didn't do it after my first and had an insane number of days to take in the second half of the year.

Both my kids went to nursery, because we have to commute to work most of the week. In your case I would go for nanny at home if you can afford it, it's a lot more flexible. It's more expensive per hour but you wouldn't need all day cover, maybe just to cover core 10-3pm for instance.

As others have said, I don't recommend trying to combine work and childcare for either you and your husband. Keep in mind that you'll have the lack of sleep, early morning, extra cooking, cleaning, baby sickness... to cover already. At 6 months, none of my kids were napping in their cot, so they can sleep 1-2h on your laps, or short bursts of 30-45 every 2h, you can hardly plan anything, let alone a work call.

Not the employer, everyone else who I don’t even work with.

My DH surely should do the work with the baby? The only bits that NEED me are breastfeeding. I’m just so confused as to why he can’t be the one doing baby things whereas no one would question him going back after 5 months (or 2 weeks)

DH. He only needs to work work (rest is just making sure website is running) 5-8pm 4 days a week. When I’d take over.

What do mums do when it’s the other way round and the dad’s working?

You can't work from home and look after a baby at the same time, you just can't.

Yes this. I don’t plan to look after baby. My mum will be there every day (she is very against nursery) and DH will do all childcare whilst I’m working.

If I desperately missed baby, I would go down and visit but I can’t predict my hormones or emotions.

Regarding babies - they’re regularly in our calls being bottle fed by dads who do a large amount of care. My job is purely product based - get work done and no one cares. We work solo without much interaction.