to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

You must have childcare in place for when you return to work. You cannot care for your child and work at the same time as post seems to suggest and neither can your DH. You might just be able to tag team between the two of you but everything will suffer: your relationship, your health, your career and your buisssness.

As long as you have this in place how long you take off for ML is up to you.

Personally I wouldn't but then I don't feel vulnerable at work taking a year off. I would returning before I am ready and doing a poor job, extending being what i said or taking lots of leave once back though. Once I'm back I feel I am expected to be back 100%

EDiT: I see DH will not be working and DM be there. This isn't an issue then. But they are also the ones with an issue with it? Or just DM?

Just seen you plan on your Mom being there every day whilst you're at work. How does DH feel about that? Would it make more sense to agree to get having baby a couple of half days so DH gets a break / focus on work? No way would DH want my Mom here full time whilst he's meant to be doing childcare. It really won't take two of them

Not a parent who is simultaneously trying to work though!

21 and 23 years ago when I had my 2 you got 26 weeks maternity leave and all my friends went back after that. It was just the norm, so we never questioned it. Kids were fine! We all used nurseries though with baby rooms.

After reading your updates, go for it. Your DH will be minding the baby and you will get on with work.

I went back to work 1 day a week very early on (2 months). DH minded DS, I work from home and DS as minded here so I could feed him as needed. I went back full time when DS went to nursery at 7 months.

He's self employed so not entitled to any form of paternity pay - given that the other reason OP gave for not wanting to take her full maternity leave was that she didn't want to use up her savings...

Btw also a caveat that your opinion might change once baby is here.

I planned to take just four months off, DH take six months - I took nine months and leaving her with her father caring for her for the last three months was agonising for me.

For my second I've insisted on taking the entire year. You don't know how you'll feel yet

Do it OP! Absolutely no reason dad can’t look after baby. The baby might not settle well for him sometimes AND THAT’S OK. It might not settle well for you sometimes too. I am American but lived in the UK when I had DC. I took a year because we moved to the US in the midst but I would’ve been fine to go back at 5 months and THRILLED by 7.

I am also the possessor of a unicorn job, 6 figures, 40 hours a week for 2-3 months and 20 the rest of the year and I would not give it up for anything. Similarly people have kids/babies whatever and the company is extremely flexible. The flexibility and has been unbelievably helpful with illness etc and absolutely work is essential for my sanity.

there is such an ingrained culture in the UK that mum has to be home and has to stay home for a year (why a year? It’s so arbitrary!) and an idea that baby will NEED mum specifically!. In my NCT group ALL of the mums went back part time and most of my broader friend group too. It’s just so old fashioned and really dismissive of the importance of the second parent.

So it’s the equivalent of you taking 5 months mat leave & then DH taking 7 months parental leave. Except you’ll take breaks to feed (as someone in gone back to an office might pump) and he will put in some evening/weekend hours. Sounds fine. Especially if you’ve got your mum to help out too.

The only problem is that you wont get any time together as a family when one of you isn’t supposed to be working.

Don’t feel guilted into taking more time off than you want to, but I would have found it difficult to be in the house but not with my baby. It’s hard to explain but your body just attunes itself to put them first, so it’s hard to concentrate if they’re crying for example. And if they’re not crying, you’ve got one ear open for them… And you just want to be with them. Evolution has had a long time to perfect that maternal instinct!

Bottom line is to plan for what suits your family but be prepared to be flexible.

going back after 5 months is fine - everyone in the us does it. But I think YABU to think you can both do ft jobs and have a baby around. They are exhausting when they are wee, but exhausting in a totally different way when they are 6 months + old. They aren't sleeping all the time anymore and need even more attention. Get a nanny or nursery or childminder and you should be good to go.

Of course, it's okay. Your OH will be there! It's like shared parental leave. Some of our friends had that, Scandinavian, so they shared it 50/50%. Great for everyone. Sounds like a dream setup. You get five months of full-time maternity leave with the baby. Then your OH takes over ( surely, you won't need your mum there every day if your OH is not working). He can take baby to classes and outings during the day and you can focus on work. But you will likely see baby in the day, too. If that had been my set up with that salary and WFH, I would definitely gone back at five months.

You had a lot of other great stuff going for you all back then 😄 Our generation may have good maternity leave, but we are completely fucked over in so many other ways.

You can go back to work whenever you like! I would say though that the first 6 months are not the best! 6-12 months are so much better! That’s when the baby can sit up, eat, play and interact much more, when they start being interested in going to play groups and to have a go on the swings and point to ducks in the pond. So you may be bored after 5 months with a teeny baby, but you may get jealous of your husband getting to spend more quality time with your 6-12 month old.

My baby had silent reflux which was pretty horrific until he was 8 months. In months 6 and 7 I was still only getting 45mins sleep some nights because he was so poorly with it. I physically couldn't have gone back to work at 5 months because I wasn't getting enough sleep. Couldn't have predicted it before he was born.

I was entitled to 18 weeks' maternity leave when I had my first two babies. I breastfed, so I went back when my eldest was 5 months and 2nd was 7 months. They went to nursery though.

My eldest had reflux for her first year. Still had to go back to work when she was 5 months old.

It;s absolutely doable and a great chance for DH to bond with the baby. I had 5.5 months with each of mine, then went back to on-site work full time, DH was the stay-at-home parent & just took over. I exclusively BF up to this point, then went to expressing, so kids were all BF past a year (they did tend to cluster feed at nights, but you shouldn't have that problem if you are around to feed during the day. Dads will step up well if they know they will have to, and will find their own way with the baby.

Like what?

When maternity leave was first introduced in the UK, it was three months, which was considered long enough to recover from the birth, establish some sort of routine for your baby and get back in harness before you forgot how to do the job.

I went back a few days after a few months, was fine. Was quite nice to get out the house tbh.

Everyone is different. I wouldn't want to do it but I worked with someone who had 4 weeks off and she had her two weeks holiday in France during the 4 weeks. She was fine, I was more concerned about the 16 year old school leaver who was caring for the baby all day but obviously that wasn't my business.

Was 25 years ago that different to now? I suppose it depends on age but 25 years ago seems pretty recent to me.

Of course you can go back after 5 months.
No issue with that at all.

Like most, I was initially thinking you were talking about having the baby there whilst you were working, which would have been unreasonable, but now you have explained how part time your dh is, and that he will be the main carer, and that even on top of the fact he only seems to work 12 hours a week, your Mum will be around as much as you want her, I can't see why this is an issue at all.

It was far easier to buy housing etc. back then. Those who were mid-career in the late 90s/early 2000s will be in a far better position than current 30 year olds in terms of things like pensions, due to demographic change. They also got to advance in their careers before the financial crisis sparked a series of long-term problems in terms of economic growth and productivity in the UK economy.

I’ve read your updates OP. It’s now clearer that your husband will be at home with sole charge of the baby. I say go for it!

I returned to work at 6 months and my husband took shared parental leave until he went to childminder at 11 months. It was by far one of the best parenting decisions we made. Our son is 2.5 years now and equally bonded to us both, and whilst my job is still more intense than DH, we’re a very equal household and appreciate each other so much as we know what it’s like to be “home all day” or “earning money all day”

were now both back full time, long hours, and we can’t wait to do the same combined shared leave again if we manage to conceive again.

I breastfed until he was 2 years 3 months as well.

it helped we could both work hybrid. so whoever was working from home would give the other a break at lunchtime etc and I could breastfeed whenever I needed to if I was working from home. I expressed too for a good while.

good luck and congratulations