to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

I went back after six months (though only three short days). Shared parental leave wasn’t around in 2013 but started not long after and I know quite a few dads who did the second six months of leave. It’s not unusual at all in my sector.
what matters is that whoever is with the baby is giving him/her their full attention and prioritising the baby’s needs over any calls/messages etc. Your initial post was not clear that there would be a non-working adult giving undivided attention at all times.

I had 6 months. That was fine

baby went to nursery. They settle in better at that age

There is nothing wrong with going back to work at 5 months. I took longer with my 3 but that was my choice. The main thing is that you need a good routine and childcare. So rather than have your mum there everyday what about her having sole care for baby 3 days a week as an example? Some 5 month old babies sleep through others do not. It would be a long day for your dh if he is up at night and then has baby till 5 and then carries on working till 8pm. That could lead to burnout and resentment. I'm not saying there aren't mums or dads that do this but if you have your mum's support for childcare I would use it wisely.

I think you are underestimating just how much a baby takes over your life. Especially if you are breastfeeding. If you do go ahead with your plan I advise getting baby taking a bottle of expressed milk as soon as your supply is established. It's a lot harder than you would think to get them to take a bottle later. Of course this means juggling pumping and breastfeeding. Definitely get in touch with your local breastfeeding support group and get the perspective of women who have been in a similar situation.

I think it sounds fine if that's what you want to do, you will have DH and your mum to look after the baby anyway, and you can still breastfeed if you're WFH.
Definitely doesn't make you a bad mum!
Be prepared to see how things go though and take longer if you need to depending on what kind of birth and baby you have!

My baby is now 5 months, I can’t bear the thought of leaving him. Before he was born I wanted my husband to be a SAHD! Now I have him there’s no way. Luckily I took a year and have savings and partner to support me but I’ve asked reduce my hours by half and my seniority when I go back to work. I was/am a CEO and my career was so important to me, now I just want a job that puts some money in my pocket and gives me less stress so I can enjoy my baby. To say pregnancy changed me is an understatement, and I really didn’t see it coming. This is just my experience, but I wanted to just say this to you because you don’t know know you will feel until they are born so try and keep your plans flexible if you can.

I went back to work (new job) after 6 weeks. I worked from home, had baby's father helping and also MIL helping the odd say. Baby was breastfeed and sometimes during work calls. It can be done and you won't be a bad mother. Mine used to watch me in calls and talk to me. Became very vocal. As she got older, we has a very good routine. My work is deliver focused so I would do the work when baby was sleeping or occupied by hubby. We synced diaries so both could attend calls when required. My baby is now 2 years old and doing well, loads of cuddles, speaks well, only draw back was weaning. Good luck... don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it. Only you are the judge of that.

I’m on maternity leave now and I am only having 6.5 months. And I had the same with my first born. And then dad took/ is taking 3 months off to look after them.
Not taking 12 months does not make you a bad mum in any way at all. My first born is all about me and not his dad.
Is it hard the first week or so of going back to work, of course it is but I got bored being at home all the time and I didn’t want somebody going in to do my job that meant I would then have to spend 12 months putting things right again. Yes I know that makes me sound really anal but it’s how I felt and still feel.

I am good at my job and I am a good mother and my decision to go back to work after 6 months is nobody else’s business.
I hope you love being a mum. Xx

Hi @Wick55, just as you have advised the OP to be flexible, I would advise you to be too! A 5 month old is very different to a 12 month old, and you may feel differently in a few months... just one to bear in mind when finalising work plans!

I have a senior role that is demanding, I had the maximum I could afford of mat leave and it still wasn’t enough….and yes it was longer than your 5 months. I have gone back full time but do find it exhausting. It’s hard to balance both but I have good day care. There is no chance I could do my job well with a baby to take care of also all day. There is nothing wrong with having a limited time off and going back full time, but please don’t kid yourself it’s going to be easy because it’s anything but. Plus unless your mum is going to be there while you are working, the chances of concentrating to get stuff done is limited. That’s the reality of it.

You can make all the plans in the world now but once your baby is here your world will completely change. Keep your options open and decide later as you are legally entitled to do in the uk.

I think it’s hard to say because it’s hard to imagine what it’ll be like when the baby is here, and what baby’s temperament will be. I know you’ll get replies saying ‘I went back after 2 months and it was fine’ and I’m sure it absolutely was for them, but you might have a colicky baby, or develop PND. Baby might be clingy and cry for you while your mum is here but you’re on a call. Or you might be lucky and get a very chilled baby who is relaxed most of the day. It’s just not possible to know!

But you know best and should do what’s right for you and your family. I suppose I just mean keep yourself open to all possibilities. Best of luck and congratulations 💐

From the situation you've described, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to go back to work full time after five months. Mainly because you want to! Also because you and the baby will be at home with your DH/mum doing the lion's share of the care. It sounds like an ideal set up! Enjoy it

If it helps at all, I took six months mat leave and went back full time, at which point DH took six months of paternal leave. It worked very well for us. I was keen to get back as I love my job and found mat leave rather boring! Much as I love DD, there was a lot of sitting around not thinking about much. If anyone judges us for how we did it, I didn't notice or care. We're happy.

I had 18 weeks with both of mine in 1986 and 1989. My eldest started at the childminder when he was 4 months old. She was brilliant and he did just fine. I had no choice - family in Canada- and just got on with it.
I think a year is too long personally but as long as your career doesn’t take a bashing, I guess it what’s normal now.

I didn't get extended maternity. Where I had ds I got 4 months and then returned. Returned less hours using accrued holiday and was back full time by the time he was 6 months.

Dp worked shifts so he wasn't in FT nursery.

Worked fine for me but I do wish I'd had longer

I have a child who was a pretty easy going baby. I also have a (mainly) WFH job that can be pretty flexible, in a similar way to what you have described.

I could NOT have worked while having her around at 5 months old. It would have been impossible to give either her or my work the full focus and attention they need and deserve, at every time they needed it. I've done it on the odd occasion she's been unwell and I absolutely had to get work done. It's exhausting and never goes well.

The best advice I can give you is that how it is in your head now, is not how it will be in reality. Even with an "easy" child. You can plan as much as you want, but they are actual humans with their own needs and wants and minds. You can't plan those.

Don't use all your employers good will by doing work and childcare at once. You'll find that when you NEED it, they'll likely be ok with child being there as a one off (poorly, can't go to nursery for a day or so and it's not viable to take annual leave). But not all the time. And you'll feel like you're failing at being a mum and at working. Because something will have to give.

I really don’t want to leave my baby/child from 7.30am-6pm 5 days a week. I know some people manage both, but I couldn’t. I waited 8 years to have him I just want to enjoy watching him grow up. I love being a mum way more than I expected!

Sounds to me like you've got it all figured out! You've got lots of family support and are on-hand at home whilst babies dad looks after them! Sounds like a dream set up! 😃

Sounds fine. Baby has dad looking after them part of the day and then mum. Plus you get to feed and give cuddles when you have a break.

Some women are more than ready to go back to work at 5-6 months, others not. So I’d just keep in mind that you don’t always know which camp you’ll fall into. But then, you’ll just sort it out if you change your mind.

How on earth do you know what they can afford?!

I went back when both mine were 6 mo. My MIL wrote me a letter after no 1, telling me what a bad mother I was and that the child was going to be forever scarred. I told DH to tell her to pull her head in or she’d never see me or Bub again. He did 😊. And those kids are now adults. Doctor and lawyer. Great relationships with both. Of course dad can parent baby, he’s bub’s Father! Go for it and tell ‘everyone’ to look after their own business.

So you would like to go back to work when baby is 5months. At that time, their capable father will look after them in the day and you will look after them in the evenings. Neither of you have stressful jobs and both appear to be well paid.

There is literally nothing wrong with this plan. My husband did the vast majority of the leave with our children.

I don’t want to save for that though. I want to save for different things.

I financially support my parents as it is, so mum would never feel hard done by, she was desperate for me to give her a GC. And as I said, I wouldn’t be the caregiver whilst WFH.

Agree! The baby won’t be in the same room - he’d be bored stiff. DH plans to go out most days, parks but mostly zoo because he’s weirdly excited for this. We live by the beach so plenty of time there, walks with the dogs etc. he will be doing what a lot of women do in maternity leave