to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

I have to go back at 18 weeks (I live abroad). It's fine but I have fool proof childcare arranged. You need a nanny, nursery or your mother to commit to full time childcare. You and your partner juggling it while also working is madness. 5 months old babies are very needy!!

This is like every single parent

Again the walking is her husband and mum's problem

You can go back to work at 5 months, I did but I had my mum helping me and then nursery place at a year. But you can’t care for a baby and work. Something would have to give!

We did shared parental leave so I went back to work at 16 weeks after an emergency section. DH took over for 10 weeks and then I had 8 more weeks. This was solely for financial reasons as I was SMP and DH got full pay as civil service but only for the first 26 weeks.

1. I would only do this if absolutely necessary. If you have savings, use them.
2. I wasn't ready to go back at 16 weeks and ideally wouldn't at 8 months either. Most mums I know have 12/13 months so get the fun stuff too. The early days are exhausting without the same return as their personality starts to really come through. Plus if you are still on nct groups/nursery groups and return ft you will see all of the messages about meeting for coffee/soft play. These people will keep you sane.
3. You can't do this without childcare. Even with childcare there will be days/weeks that break you. In childcare they will lick each others faces and share all of the germs. With you too.

There's plenty of mums that have to go back to work at 3 months due to finances- everyone's circumstances are different.

As long as youve planned it well and that DH is able to fully meet the needs of baby when technically, on paper, you both are working. I understand he has it pretty easy during the day but what if something comes up that needs all his concentration and it so happens to be on a day your mum isn't around and baby is poorly/teething.

Babies that young need a lot of interaction for their development, not just the basics of nappy, sleep, milk. It's also a time that they start weaning and moving, generally causing chaos by getting hold of everything and not being able to take your eyes off them for a second.

I've met plenty of parents who both WFH full-time and the babies just end up having delays in speech, motor skills and problem solving. Mainly because to work they end up just plonking them in front of a screen or keeping them in bouncers. No engagement with baby as they are trying to work. I think that they can't effectively do their job and care for a baby in this situation.

YANBU. I took 12 weeks maternity and 4 weeks leave when I had my DD. I went back to work full time - 35hrs a week with great flexibility. My DH, like yours, worked evenings and looked after DD during the day until she was 1 year. After that she went to a local childminder full time.

it was a bit hectic that first year as we had no other support but it was fine

You won't know until the baby comes along, but I was nowhere near ready to go back after 5 months. It was 10 months and a year after my two births.

Sounds fine. Baby has two parents. Good luck!

I think going back at 5 months is fine, but I’d see how you all cope. I think it’s a lot to expect DH has baby 9-5, then you take over 5-8 whilst he works. Babies are hard work. I didn’t work till mine was 18 months and we had paid help 2hrs a day and a part time nanny to give us a break. I think just see how you’re doing with it all and consider getting a nanny / household help to make your lives easier

This! Impossible to work properly from home with a baby around. You can't concentrate on anything or do phone calls etc as they need your constant attention.

Please forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn here, but do you actually want a child? I know you said your husband desperately wants one, but do you? It just doesn't sound like you've got that maternal feeling. Only wanting to take 5mths leave and already have an unborn baby booked into childcare from 12mths old.

Your baby will NEED you for comfort as well as for feeding. Some babies won't be put down at all, you don't know what type of baby you get until they're here. My first would let anyone hold her, my second was a velcro baby, wouldn't even let my husband hold her until she was nearly 2yrs old.

You may feel very different when baby arrives, and may have that rush, and then you want to take the full year off, this happens to many women. You never get those early days back, don't rush back to work too soon...

It's about what everyone has when my first DD was born. I returned to work when she was 13 weeks

It’s hard to say. You don’t know what kind of baby you’ll have and most importantly how they’ll sleep. Some unicorns sleep through at around 4-5 months so you should be overall fine. But if you’re still up every 2 hrs you may struggle (at least for me the sleep deprivation was the hardest to deal with)

I think it's pretty standard to book an unborn baby into childcare due to the scarcity of places. I had to book mine in at 20 weeks pregnant.

Surely you realise that the majority of women simply do not have the option not to go back to work? Nevermind hold a baby for 2 years....

I’m afraid that you will have to get used to people judging whatever you choose to do- that’s parenting! I went back to work after 8 weeks and 12 weeks even though I got 3 months full pay, I went back as I enjoy my job and DH was at home. I also breastfed/expressed. I do not regret going back early, I personally think it was easier doing it before separation anxiety kicked in. However, I know people judged my choices, as a new mother you are apparently only supposed to be apart from your baby if there is absolutely no choice. I got to see the kids plenty as neither of them ever slept all that well!

I've got a 5.5month old and I'm just in the process of going back to work. It's fine, especially if you're nearby. I'd struggle slightly with the thought of going back full time straight away, I'm easing back in with 3 days a week until July. But it's perfectly doable, and plenty of mums do it! I thought everyone took a year but me, but hardly anyone I know is taking the full length of time. Most go back at 9months when the money stops.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

I attempted to reserve a place for my 12 week unborn baby in a nursery (London) only to be told there wasn't a space on Tuesdays/Wednesdays until 2025. This was 2023.

Very standard to reserve childcare in advance and also standard to plan longer term.

Granted many women may change their mind and not return to work, but many don't have this option and need to work for money, or want to work because they enjoy their jobs, have worked hard for them. Ultimately a happy and fulfilled parent is a better parent, I believe.

Hang on, I didn't say she should leave her job and not go back to work. I talked about taking 12months maternity leave which is the standard in the UK.

No need for your sarky remark about my own child thanks.

This in spades!

The judgement never ends I am afraid, no matter what you do.

The key is to be confident and happy in your own decisions and parenting.

My experience - I took a year with my first, but that was too long for me and my sanity (my MH really suffered) and I was ready to go back at the 6 month mark. I am taking less time this time around and sharing with my husband as SPL.

Perfectly doable to go back sooner, I was definitely ready at the 6 month mark.

You commented about her booking her unborn baby into childcare at 12 months. This is standard, as another poster has confirmed. Necessary planning, not a lack of maternal instinct.

Of course you'll cope (assuming no complications). There's nothing wrong with going back when your baby is 5 months. That's what I did with my first.

Paid maternity leave was not as good in those days and many women went back at 3 months. I managed to drag it out by taking virtually no leave in the previous year.

Working at home and having lots of family support will help enormously. I had a 3 hour commute to contend with, and no family support.

Yes, but that doesn't mean I meant not going back to work at all!! I was unaware that childcare needed to be booked when still in utero as I only needed to book mine 9mths in advance. I have never heard of it having to be booked when still pregnant.

Plenty of women are campaigning for longer statutory paternity leave and better pay.

Shared parental leave at the moment has the massive issue in the UK in that women have to sacrifice their maternity leave in order to facilitate their partner having any leave. A model where partners had their own allocation of leave would have much better uptake and more chance of making a permanent change to society.