to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

I’m assuming this is how I’ll feel!!

I just feel like everyone is guilting me and saying I’ll be bad to do this. Work are obviously happy.

As PPs have said, 6 months maternity leave used to be standard. That was all I got with both of mine. We managed because we had to.

If your DH can look after the baby full time during the day and you swap over at 5pm, then yes absolutely. I think where people are getting confused is if there are 2 people working full time at the same time whilst juggling caring for a 5m old. Of course you’re not bad for “only” taking 5m and others aren’t better for taking more. The only thing you might find is you’re not in work mode yet by that point, but only you can know that! Best of luck xx

This is just not about money at this point. I want the income to not hinder my position and to have more freedom with mortgages and security since DH is self employed. I don’t want my child in daycare if they don’t need to because they have a perfectly capable father who desperately wanted a child. He should do the childcare.

EDIT as I wasn’t clear: DH isn’t working when I am. He does at the moment but it’s purely website management, nothing he couldn’t do on a phone or when baby is asleep. His active work is in the evenings and weekends. He used to run his self employed business whilst working full time, so the full time hours he will be available to look after baby whilst I work. I would stop working to feed / take a break.

Why are you even having a baby if you don't want to have it looked after properly?

Whoever is responsible for the baby during work hours should be able to give the baby full attention and deal with their needs immediately. That's not you if you are also working, even if you are only busy "in bursts". It's neglect.

You need a plan for childcare, whether it's nursery, a nanny, your mum, whoever. But it can't be you/your DH if you are supposed to be working.

Edited to add: I've just seen your update. If DH isn't working then it's fine! It just sounded like you were both trying to get away with simultaneously working and doing childcare.

If you want to go back to work after 5 months then no one should be telling you you're wrong about that. Women are not all the same, and what's right for one would not necessarily be right for anyone else.

The only thing from your post that I would raise a query about is whether you can cope with the three adults in your house whilst you're working. Is your relationship with your mum good, or might you end up encountering issues?

Even with an 'easy' baby it's pretty hard and certainly would be difficult to do without your work clocking you have a baby with you full-time. You can give it a try but you will have to have a plan B in case it's not workable, and risk a work disciplinary as well, as some people have said.

But her DH and her Mum will be around with the baby? Isn't that what the OP is saying?

I did 8 weeks maternity leave with my first then 8 weeks maternity leave with my second (with a one and a half year old toddler and a 9 week old breastfed baby) ... the littles nap and it's possible to make it work. It's hard but definitely possible. You may struggle with feeling really tired as you will be up a lot through the night but you can do it.

My employer is really good and allows me to work flexible hours.

Sounds fine. I wish that I could have saved up my mat leave and used it when my dc was older!

I went back at 6 months and DH did 3m more. But I would be careful that your do gets down time.

Going back at 5 months was common, we got 6 months max anyway! Can you work without child care? I don't think so, in fact many companies demand it. Could you hire a nanny?

I think people haven't understood. The baby will be cared for full time by a parent plus a grandparent. That's amazing.

Your challenges will be that there's no downtime for either of you so you'll have to fit absolutely everything into work or childcare hours - cooking, showering, personal admin, cleaning. As there's never going to be anybody to hold the baby while you work on a tax return or do the online shopping (for example). How doable this is will depend on your baby and how many personal needs you have. For example you won't be able to go to the gym or get your haircut etc except on the weekend when it's shared between 2 parents.

Okay, so your actual question is -

DH will be the SAHP when i return to work at 5 months, but i will be able to continue breast feeding as I work from home and can take breaks from my work to do that. When i leave work in the evening and take the baby, DH can do his work then as he sets his own timetable. AIBU to think i won’t mind doing this rather than the more traditional 1yr off?

in which case, no, not unreasonable at all - i returned early with both of mine but only part time. Saved my sanity and i absolutely dote on my dc.

i think the negative responses are purely because we wrongly thought you were suggesting working whilst doing your own childcare, which is totally impossible (for baby, employers and you).

I think the OP was confusing because it sounded like ‘would it be ok for DH and I to both work and at the same time somehow manage to look after the baby’ - and I’m sure that some people DO manage that but it would be bloody hard!

From your updates it sounds more like you’re asking would you be a bad mum to go back to work after 5 months whilst your DH cares for the baby. And no, you wouldn’t be a bad mum for that obviously.

Will you feel ready for that? Well you know yourself better than anyone, though even so it’s hard to predict how you’re going to feel before it happens. I couldn’t have done it at 5 months no, we had the very definition of a Velcro baby who was also a crap sleeper and I just don’t think I’d have been up to it! Plus 4-5 months was probably when I first started to actually enjoy it all a bit, despite the above.

That said, DH coped fine working from home whilst I was on mat leave so in theory it could have worked just as well the other way round.

I’d consider using your extensive holidays to go back part time to start with maybe - realistically two people trying to work AND parent a very young baby AND run a house whilst still very likely having very broken sleep - you’re going to be shattered even if that work is from home and flexible.

I have friends who planned on taking 6 months' mat leave and then found themselves longing for longer.
I have friends who took a year but were bored and keen to go back after 6 months.
Everyone is different and the hard thing is you won't know in advance how you will be. Even every baby/mat leave is different from the others, for the same mum.

So, given nobody has a crystal ball, the only person who is at all placed to decide this is you. If 5 months sounds ok to you, then it's ok, and it's your call. Especially given your DH is around until 5 every day, which isn't the case for most mums in that position, whose partners will be working a lot more and so less around to help.

I have a 10 month old and think it would be impossible to work from home and look after a 5 month old. Unless your mum would be there all day and all you have to do is take breast feeding breaks? Even then, feeding is very time consuming 😅 I struggle to have a shower each day never mind work a shift.

Edited as I've just read your updates- sorry for misunderstanding! I don't know if you can predict how you will feel. You might be relieved to have a bit of a break! I really struggled with maternity leave from around 5 months until around 8 months and was fantasising about going back to work for a break 🤣 Even if you want to go back at 5 months and it's not just that you have to, it doesn't make you a terrible mum. And its lovely that baby will be looked after by family at home and you have the option there for cuddle breaks. Would it be a possibility to let them know nearer the time if you want to extend your mat leave beyond 5 months? Or to tell them you'd like longer with the option to return at 5 months if you feel like it?

I laughed because this was us. Husband runs a tech business from home, works part time, chooses his own hours/can reschedule calls for whenever.

When I was pregnant he said he's happy to work and look after the bub.

The baby would not be put down. I had to hold him whilst brushing my teeth cos he'd scream otherwise. Repeat this ALL day for anything I/husband needed to do.

It was constant nappy changes, feeding, changing his outfits because solids start at 6 months and it's a complete mess after food. I could barely look after myself.

He went into nursery at 6 months.

If DH is doing the childcare that's fine. You might have to see how the baby is if you are planning to keep breastfeeding during work though... Mainly if baby knows you are there they will probably come looking for you (DS went looking for DH too but it was lockdown and acceptable), and they may not be happy being taken away after a feed! DS settled much better when I was out of the house. Breastfeeding also takes much longer than bottle feeding. But it might work out fine to breastfeed (your work sounds very flexible about babies on calls), or you might be able to express milk for some of daytime feeds, or indeed combi feed with some formula during the day. See how it goes, there are options!

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me. There's nothing really stopping you by the sound of it, apart from other people's judgement?

I would quite like to take a short mat leave too (our work setups sound similar) and let DH do majority of looking after baby. But I know I couldn't do my job if I'd had a sleepless night or two. I realistically couldn't WFH with him and a baby in the house. He works FT shifts anyway and my mum doesn't live near enough to help so I just don't see a way to do it. If you can, and want to, then go for it!

@firstimemumconcerns I have two children - my first, I absolutely could have gone back to work at five/six months as she was an easy baby and quite happy with other people. I now have a seven month old who is COMPLETELY different - despite all my best efforts, she is only happy in my arms and is the epitome of 'Velcro baby'.

I honestly think it's impossible to tell how you're going to feel when the time comes - but make the decision that's best for you and the baby, not what anyone else thinks, whether that's your employer or your family or your friends.

I work for a similar US firm, and totally get where you are coming from with the approach to mat leave..the policy is generous but most don’t expect you to take longer than the fully paid period. You also miss out on the annual performance cycle if you are off the full year, which impacts pays and bonus, and colleagues in the US were away for much shorter periods so comparisons are inevitably drawn. Bigger salary doesn’t always equate to longer Mat leave!

I went back when my first baby was around 5 months, and it was fine. I WFH a lot on project based work, so had peaks and troughs. I had family childcare in place for the first year and during the quiet times managed fine with the baby at home for a morning/afternoon if I didn’t have meetings/deadlines. I had annual leave regular days off when I needed a break which helped.

I partly had to go back for financial reasons, but also because I liked my job and realised that it is hard to come by the salary/role/career/etc, so it wasn’t like I could just find another job like this easily.
I was mostly ready to go back, rightly or wrongly it was more the judgement of other people that I found to be the problem.
Second time around I took 8 months as it fitted with the timing of work and birth, it was nice having that bit of extra time but I was starting to get bored.

Do what works for you all. It's no one else's business.

When I had my first DC legally we only got 6 months. DC settled so well in nursery and I was fine.

By time our second came, legally we got 12 months. It was so much harder for them to get settled. And it leaving them was difficult most days for about 2 months due to tears

I think you'll be fine IMO

Blimey, where I was living when I had DC, even 5 months off after my eldest would have been a dream! Instead I had to go back to work after 12 weeks (if I wanted to keep my job - I could have taken a year, but wouldn't have had my old job back, could have been sent anywhere). That was 25 years ago, and I wasn't paid anything for the weeks I took off - we had to save, and spend savings, to afford even the 12 weeks (I was the higher earner back in those days)

Sometimes I think the modern generation don't know they're born (no pun intended!). Well-paid mat leave that can last anywhere from a few months to a year? I could only dream back in my day where I was working! But we survived, and DC is none the worse for it (even if I'll never quite get over it) and it's the DC that matter here the most, surely?

You've got a great, low stress, well paid job. Yes you might find it difficult and miss your baby but you've got a great set up with your mum and dh to have the baby so you'll know they are well cared for.
You won't be a bad mum. If it comes to it you can always change your mind but there is no reason it has to be you not dh with the baby.