to think 5 months maternity is fine and they can deal with it?

[firstimemumconcerns]

I am half way through my pregnancy with my first. My work pays 5 months full pay and then it goes to SMP. My DH is newly self employed in a business we run together (he obviously does more work on it than me). This means he is home 24/7 and I also WFH.

My job is well paid and it is not difficult. It is a US tech firm and so my bosses are US based and find 1 year maternity is too much (although don't complain out loud obvs). I neither disagree or agree. But I can say the SMP pay is ridiculous and I wouldn't survive on it - I have savings, but I don't want to use it for this if I don't need to. We also have unlimited holidays, so worse came to worst, I could take a week here or there for rest.

I can easily, in my head, have a baby around me / with DH and only taking a break to feed. I don't sit at a desk and zone out. I focus for bursts when there's deadlines.

Part of my reasoning is that work can be a bit cut throat. I would struggle to find a job as well paying for the amount of work and effort it takes from me (six figures, I work a max of 35 hours a week - specialised finance) I don't want a replacement brought in to take over my work and my work is project based, this means that the next cycle kicks off in January and ends in July. So my maternity would be in my down time.

Am I mad? I keep being told i'm wrong and will not cope going back. Obviously this is assuming I do not have a traumatic birth with strong consequences after. Mums tell me I should take a year but I simply don't want to.

My mum would be around to help a LOT (she is far too excited...) and DH is there (his only hours of needing to not have the baby are when I finish work 5-8pm) and baby is booked to go to nursery when he's 12 months.

@ReadingSoManyThreads Booking nursery places during pregnancy is very standard around here. In fact, friends of mine have been frowned upon by prospective nursery staff for not booking before the baby was born!!

I don't disagree that it could be better but I think men actually taking it up (under the current provisions) is a key element of this.

Personally, I don't really like the narrative of women 'sacrificing' 'their' leave. I'm not entirely convinced that 1 year mat leave is particularly beneficial and it's not really the norm in other countries. More equal leave plus more flexible working and high quality childcare is the best solution.

At 5 months mine was waking 6+ times a night (after being a unicorn sleeping through newborn), despised her dad, despised her grandparents, wouldn't go down for a nap, wouldn't take a bottle. It wouldn't have worked for me for those reasons as would have been too unfair on baby and I was a zombie, but thats totally dependent on the child you have.

It sounds as though your set up is as good as possible for what you're suggesting.

I had 6 months and then went back 48hrs with overnights and oncalls. It's was fine. We managed with my husband changing his working pattern and having a very flexible hospital nursery. I am not sure I would have managed WFH, I struggle with that even with a 10 yr old!

I took five months of maternity leave which was my intention from the start. Most people seemed shocked at the idea and said I'd feel differently when the baby was here. I did feel differently in that I would have been ready to return to work after three months!

Your plan makes perfect sense to me and your baby will be well cared for by their Father (as was mine). You know you, and it is perfectly fine to not have a year of maternity leave. If you do change your mind later on down the line then that is also fine.

Saying that, there is absolutely no way I could have done any work whilst being responsible for my baby as she required full attention all of the time. She was never 'around' whilst I was working, DH was in sole charge of her.

I only took 4 months with first & 6 months with second but would have liked longer. Mine went to child minder & MIL & it was fine.

Maybe you could arrange nursery for a few mornings. I think they settle better if they start younger. I think they get some sort of separation anxiety around 9 months.

Don't listen to anyone else. It's up to you.

I worked in the US when I had both my kids. I took 3 months maternity for each of them, that was the max allowed. It was fine, I didn’t really make any mum friends as by the time I was up to going to a group I was back at work.

I took 16 months with my first (definitely not all paid, before you ask!)
Colleague 1 left a previous job when she left to have a baby, then got a PT job after 2 WEEKS because she was bored.
Colleague 2 acted as surrogate for a friend, and still took a full year's mat leave.

It's not just babies that are individuals.

This is a very strange perspective to me. I have several children and my DH is perfectly capable of caring for them? Surely most men are?
None of them bawled their heads off while they were with their dad just because I was there or in the house too.

Get a nanny. If you're in London it is around 4 grand a month but totally worth it imo.

You could even fudge it and get a nanny four days a week and fudge the final day with WFH. You'll never manage to do that working full time though - you'll start failing at your job.

Get a nanny. You WFH so you'll still see your little one when you want to, but you'll also be able to fully focus on work - and it's the best childcare for such a tiny baby.

I went back to work when my first two children were about 5.5 months each. (Had to take 2 weeks before birth which ate into my 26 weeks). I needed to for the money at the time. It was do-able (i worked 5 days, 8.30-3.30) but hectic and i was stressed and exhausted. I regret it to be honest, but then again i had NO home support mon-fri (OH away 4 nights). I had a childminder while at work. The babies were happy enough i think. My husband was making more money when I had my 3rd and I stayed off for 11 months. It was much more relaxed. I wasn't stressed about weaning her onto solids, or bottles. My maternity was more relaxed because it wasn't as much of a countdown.
BUT it sounds like you have good support at home. So it's definitely do-able. And if your baby is home all day then even more so.... no baby bags to pack every night!!
Is your DH good for multi-tasking? Or will you finishe work each day to be handed a baby and the house in a tip, nothing cleaned up because he's been "looking after baby"? This could cause resentment. You might also feel resentment if he is out at baby groups, walks, other fun trips each day with your baby. But it will be important to do this.. to have a good routine so that he and baby aren't just waiting around on you all day. That would be very boring and hard to pass the day. Also pumping and having baby take a bottle for one of the daytime feeds would be helpful.... give your DH more freedom to get out and about for longer or at tines to suit baby groups etc rather than being limited to between feeds. If breastfeeding is going well you can start pumping to build a stash once you are settled into it.
What else? I started my first two babies on solids a little earlier than the recommended 6 months as I wanted to start myself. And it's easiest to start with lunch. HV said this was OK.
What does your DH think of the plan? If your baby is a poor sleeper, and you are feeding through the night you may be exhausted. So end up going to bed with baby. If DH works 5-8pm will you have time together? Or all three of you as a family?

Perfectly doable to take 5 months leave and then swap with your DH for the next 7 months. Sounds like a great set up for all of you with the benefit that your DH won't become one of these useless fathers who 'can't settle the baby'.

The only issue I would say is that after a solid 8 hours of looking after a baby, your DH is unlikely to want to immediately switch in to work mode for 3 hours.

Don’t get if this is a question or brag about earning six figures in a job so unchallenging you think you will be ok to have baby around while WFH as from 5mths to 12 mths? I do think your employer would probably be pissed off at that working practice.

If you think five months mat. leave is ok for you then go for it. Keep baby and work area strictly separated - you will be in a right shit show if you don’t do that from the start - babies are real time sucks, and if in the vicinity you will definitely be pulled in.

Also please don’t discount the abrupt loss in focus, short term memory and work related multitasking skills. Many women are unpleasantly startled by this when they return to work - it comes back but takes a while. Obviously not everyone is the same, some are unaffected. Just don’t cast any work plans in stone - things may not always pan out as expected. Best of luck.

I’m always an outlier in these posts but you can manage some work - especially if project based work rather than hourly - while taking care of a baby - I went back to work after 4 weeks - just 20 hours a week at first and managed to make it work around the baby’s schedule. I had no childcare and DH was out of the house 7am-7pm.

What I did do was outsource or delegate to DH most of the extra life stuff like cleaning, admin, grocery shopping etc.

So get a cleaner, Tesco delivery and make as much use of your Mum as you can and you will be fine even with a fussy baby.

I don't think your plan sounds feasible, but there are other things you can try.

First off, I would take 6 or 7 months of mat leave just out of principle (it won't hurt the Americans to learn how the civilised world operates), and then put the baby in nursery after that...

Maybe you could see how it goes having them in nursery part time to start with, perhaps just mornings, for example, and then your husband works in the afternoon and you finish your work in the evening, something like that.

Me and my DH managed to juggle WFH with no childcare with our first, but that was by having a very gruelling schedule (and we were self employed so chose our own hours) whereby he worked 6am to 2pm and I worked 2pm to 10pm, and the other looked after the baby while the other one was working. We did that for 2 years, and it was exhausting but it worked for us at the time. (We did gradually start putting her in nursery more and more, so 2 mornings, then 3 mornings, then 4 etc. because we needed a break).

BUT be warned.... when the baby is awake, it will be very difficult/impossible to concentrate on work. And not really fair on the baby either. You might get a baby who will stare transfixed at the telly for 3 hours straight and let you work, but would you really want that for your child anyway?

Sounds fine to me. I did 6 months maternity leave and practically running back to the office when my time was up. The most boring time of my life (I was living abroad with no family and little in the way of baby classes).

Surely the parent is the best childcare?

Obviously, but she wants to keep her job!

Did you have childcare though, or were you working with the baby playing around your feet? As that is what OP is suggesting.

I think it's different if you work in your own home
Obviously you need childcare (which you have) but you will still see baby in morning, at lunchtime, as soon as you finish which at five months is easier than long days in nursery. In fact I'd say five months is better than older when they scream and hold onto you if you pop in!

Personally I'd have preferred to go back earlier when they are a bit boring and have more time later when they get more interesting but it doesn't work like that in most places (though it might in yours with the cycles you describe).

The bit you can't predict is sleep. It's much harder to work if you are up every hour. But it depends how well you and DH work together. My husband is a naturally early riser so he did crack if dawn waking and I did night. You might have to accept that you are tag team for a while. Then again my previously good sleeper timed night waking for nine months as soon as I went back to work so there's no guarantee delaying your return will improve things.

This is absolutely it. The majority of our daycares start accepting children at 3 months, some even earlier. Whether you can work with a child at home hinges heavily on 1) your job's tolerance level and 2) your child. My second was easygoing and I worked from home with him for a few months, but with my first born there was absolutely no way that would have worked. She was angry, colicky and from 6 weeks plus it was kid of hellish until she was 12 months and communicating (though even the first few years were hard). If your mum or other half plan to be available 24/7 to cover calls etc, it might work, fingers crossed for you it does.

Why are people so horrified at the idea of a man looking after his own baby??

This. Hire a nanny.

If you are going back at 5 months then DH is looking after baby 9-5 whilst you work, it's really no different to when people take shares parental leave. The only issue is if you think you and DH can both work and baby will quietly sit in a corner.

Re you Mom I'd make sure your DH is okay with how much she wants to be over. If he's doing full time childcare does he want his mother in law hovering over him whilst you're tucked away in the office?