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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

177 replies

PennyLany · 18/03/2024 12:47

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

OP posts:
ThePunchBowl · 18/03/2024 12:48

This reply has been deleted

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Picklestop · 18/03/2024 12:48

No that is not what I would consider being privileged at all.

senua · 18/03/2024 12:49

feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind
Which bit of this don't you understand?

CassandraWebb · 18/03/2024 12:49

Yabu. It doesn't sound like she has much of a voice in this relationship.

I'd take an equal relationship over oodles of cash any day

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 18/03/2024 12:50

So she’s expected to follow her husband and be fine about it because of the money?

SophiaElise · 18/03/2024 12:50

As what you described is my idea of hell, I don't see the privilege there...

MarmaladeOrangey · 18/03/2024 12:50

senua · 18/03/2024 12:49

feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind
Which bit of this don't you understand?

But she'll have lots of money so.....

UltramarineViolet · 18/03/2024 12:51

It doesn't sound like her husband has consulted her and has unilaterally decided that they should move abroad

I don't think it is unreasonable of her to talk over her concerns with a friend while still being very aware that she is in a privileged position in many ways

Itloggedmeoutagain · 18/03/2024 12:51

So no one can complain about anything if there's money in the bank?

MarmitePizza · 18/03/2024 12:51

So you’d consider yourself privileged to be forced to move to another country when you didn’t want to?

WhatDoesThisMeanForUs · 18/03/2024 12:51

Wtf, because her DH has money, she's not allowed to complain about anything? Even something as massively life altering and frankly unsettling as her husband fucking off to another country with or without her?

You're not being a friend. Try supporting her.

CantDealwithChristmas · 18/03/2024 12:51

Everything's relative I suppose. I don't think I'd be happy with the idea of moving to a 'tax free' country (is it Dubai or Abu Dhabi? Double no from me), not know anyone and basically be reliant on the goodwill of my husband in order to live.

On the other hand, if you are struggling financially or unhappy with your lot currently then I can defo see how you might be feeling a bit irritated. Have you tried talking to her about it?

BranchGold · 18/03/2024 12:52

I can completely understand why a woman doesn’t want to purely exist as chattel to her husband.

Justbecausethefirsttimewehadanenormouscrowd · 18/03/2024 12:52

You are being ridiculous...leaving your home country is a big step!

AhBiscuits · 18/03/2024 12:52

I would hate to move to a new country, a load of cash wouldn't change that.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 18/03/2024 12:52

CassandraWebb · 18/03/2024 12:49

Yabu. It doesn't sound like she has much of a voice in this relationship.

I'd take an equal relationship over oodles of cash any day

Same. A gilded cage is still a cage.

I can't even imagine DH deciding that we will relocate to another country and not giving me an equal say in that decision.

Couldyounot · 18/03/2024 12:52

So she has to uproot her entire life because her husband is all squicky about paying tax? Yeah, I don't think privilege is the issue here

Tatas · 18/03/2024 12:52

Ah yes, being forced to move to a tax haven - leaving behind friends, family, jobs, her entire life - you're right OP, why can't she just get over this? She shouldn't complain too much?!

Just sounds like jealousy from your end OP, it's a huge life change shes got 0 input into.

Riverlee · 18/03/2024 12:52

You’re focussing on the wrong thing.

Shes nervous about moving abroad, starting a new life elsewhere etc. That can be a natural emotion whether you move fifty miles or five hundred miles.

PennyLany · 18/03/2024 12:53

To be clear, he isn't forcing her! She is able to say no and he'll find another solution, he won't drag her on a plane or leave her behind

OP posts:
TheCadoganArms · 18/03/2024 12:53

Can't really see what the problem is. Just because you are well off it does not mean you have to constantly frame your situation via some recognition of your 'privilege' at every moment. I have rich friends and poor friends and I am not going to get upset if the former are discussing some luxury purchase or other out of reach for me experience. So long as they are no bragging or gloating then whats the big deal?

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 18/03/2024 12:53

What's a tax free country?

Not that I need it now, but who knows, I might win big in the school raffle.

TeenLifeMum · 18/03/2024 12:53

What a privilege to have her world turned upside down without her agreement! 🙄 having money and the sad situation she’s feeling are separate. Don’t be a dick about it.

MadamVastra · 18/03/2024 12:53

You won't be wanting a (free) holiday there with her then 😂

Butchyrestingface · 18/03/2024 12:53

@PennyLany What are you - her mum? Her spiritual growth adviser?

Either way, the one thing you’re not is her friend.