To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

[PennyLany]

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

Privileged? So what? She has a right to express whatever concerns her. If money was everything, rich people would never have stress or depression.

Yes YABU just because she has a rich husband it doesn't mean she has to leave her life behind to move with him and not be allowed to be unhappy at the thought! I'm sure she knows she's lucky to have this financial security but it doesn't mean she's not allowed to complain about anything ever again does it.
You come across as being jealous tbh

Glad you're not my friend

I've been in similar situations with DH and I'd hate to think friends were thinking the way you do, OP.

As friends go, you're pretty judgy.

You're jealous. Its nothing to do with privilege. I totally understand her concerns.

What a shame that she thinks you are a friend when you don't care about her happiness. You are very short-sighted if you think money is all that matters in life.

We have that option and although it would save millions, we’d have to give up everything we have here in terms of social and leisure, it’s the day to day we’d be worried about, the monotony and trying to build new friendships etc.

it’s like those who say you can’t have depression if you’re rich.

It’s different pressures, the biggest sadness, disappointments and betrayal comes from realising your friends treat you differently because they’re resentful or jealous.

@PennyLany hopefully you’re seeing that you’re being a really crap friend and will be able to get over this and be there for her

I have a different situation completely but I have a issue with a friend like this I live in emergency accommodation I have for 2 years live in south west where there is no housing. My friend who lives in the next town got a two bed huge council new build over looking a nature reserve out her windows. She moans constantly about every litttle thing. Once noseily I googled her house price and the one next door sold for £520,000 for two beds they are really beautiful but she moans constantly about small things the bathrooms are two small (she has three) it’s too out the way bla bla bla it’s very hard to listen to someone moan about issues when you can see their luck and privilege however it’s important to
acknowledge that that comes from a jealousy of their situation and they are moaning about things that so upset them. You have two choices to say I’m sorry but I’m really going through a lot and I can’t emotionally listen to other problems at the moment or just be their but try to avoid the jealousy I know it’s hard but it’s a inside problem and not theirs

Or pretend that it was a reverse all along….

I agree that YABU. I think most people could understand that, regardless of financials, it would be really hard if DH decides to emigrate and she doesn't want to.

I wouldn't want to move away from my family and friends if we eg won the lottery.

You sound blinded by the money, OP - like anything that happens to her now doesn't deserve empathy so long as they are flush. .

Ok, she is privileged, but she's entitled to feel unhappy about moving country, I'm not sure I'd do it for any amount of money. I always think we have to see people's problems at their level rather than saying they're not entitled to complain or ask about things that are salient to them. For example some people get snarky about people on these boards asking whether they should choose this or that very exclusive private school for their child, but you know what? People who move in that world need to be able to ask about it. Similarly privileged people need to be able to talk about their problems with peers too.

So if you have loads of money in the bank you aren’t allowed to feel sad or upset about things in your life and discuss that with your friends? Because that money means you are privileged and you aren’t allowed to be unhappy about anything?

Husband wants us to move abroad, nope can’t complain because we’re rich.

My child just died, nope mustn’t tell my friends I’m not coping because I’m much richer than them. Wouldn’t want to rub my privilege in their faces.

I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer, best not tell my friends I’m struggling because they have less money than me and that would be insensitive.

You're projecting. Personally however much money was involved I'd not see being persuaded/coerced/pressured into moving to another country when I didn't want to, to be any sort of privilege at all.

This doesn't mean she's not justified in being upset. When you say he's not forcing her you make it sound as if that makes a difference to the what every one here is telling you. Your friend came to you for support but somehow your made this about yourself and worse you put your poor friend on mumsnet hoping everyone would slate her.

The whole point of friendship is to be able to mull over the relative hardships + anxieties of your life with someone supportive. If it’s just a competition to be a worthy victim then I’m afraid very few people with access to mumsnet win.

how could we possibly be sad about fertility issues when there are women in Yemen who’s babies are starving? Struggling to see how we’ll pay the mortgage is nothing in comparison with houses being demolished in Gaza etc etc.

your friend has chosen to process something with you that she feels worried + vulnerable about. If you can’t respect + love her - and acknowledge that her problems are different to yours / other people’s but that they are valid to her - then I think you need to sit with why that is…

are you cross with her because you feel like she hasn’t made space for you when you have needed it?

is it a more general anger about tax havens?

is she on-the-surface ticking all the ‘good life’ boxes and you’re too jealous to be friends with her?

none of these things are wrong. But identifying them might help you figure out if you want to take a deep breath and let the anger go, or whether you need to let the friendship go.

Her financial privilage isn't relevant, because she's not comparing herself to others or judging how others get on with less. She's facing a tough decision in her marriage & life and trying to work through it with the support of someone she considers a friend.

Take a hard look at your own feelings here, because I'm guessing that's what's driving this annoyance. Are you perhaps feeling jealous?

This actually sounds awful! She doesn't sound in the least bit privileged. Does she definitely feel able to say no? If she felt strongly about it and was in a healthy equal marriage then she'd have said no and they wouldn't be going. Her husband sounds like an arsehole too, cashing out his money and running off to a tax haven.

This. Her husband is the privileged one. Financially and in having a wife he gets to dictate to. Nothing privileged about having to dance to a wealthy man's tune.

Oh dear

And this is where having "privilege" as a buzzword gets us...

Don't ever complain about anything in your life because someone, somewhere has it worse.

Its tedious.

It sounds like a horrid situation. Her husband is so tight he would rather uproot their lives and friendships to save some money and not pay properly owed tax in the country that allowed them a decent standard of living and success in the first place.

As people have also pointed out "tax free" countries often come wth very serious strings attached, particularly for dependent family members.

Let her moan about her tone deaf, greedy husband.

I can imagine that, if it’s endless angsting about whether to go or not then it does get a bit draining. Anxiety is so self focussed - it can be frustrating to be on the receiving end of!

Are we all supposed to wear hair shirts and beat ourselves with birch twigs? You don't sound like much of a friend, she's having her life turned upside down and doesn't appear to have a say in that. Try to think how that would feel. A gilded cage is still a cage.

YABVU. I wouldn't want to move abroad no matter how much money I had. Money cannot replace the support of family and friends.

It always surprises me how envious people get, even of their close friends . This woman is struggling with a decision they are making, the change, she trusts the op and thinks she’s a close friend, as rhe op herself describes herself

instead the op is thinking check your privalge, giving her fake platitudes and starting threads about her. As all she can think about is the money.

it’s just really sad.