To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

[PennyLany]

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

Just because you have money you can still be unhappy for whatever reason. And her reasons sound understandable - uprooting your whole life and moving to a new country where you don’t know anyone. Doesn’t sound “privileged” to me at all.

Yabu...that be my biggest.fear.the country I feel.safe.anc.settled.in. .listen to her concerns if you a friend.

There is a serious danger of dying of boredom in Monaco.

I have a SAHM friend whose DH earns a fortune offshore. He's rarely around and she has 3 young DC to manage but she's not allowed to complain to him because she is 'privileged'. Last year he wanted them to move because it makes no difference to him where they're based in the UK as he's off abroad most of the year. He wanted them to move to a bigger house but in the middle of nowhere. Lucky her. She might have all the cash she needs but I feel so sorry for her. I have financial independence in my marriage and that feels more like freedom to me than not having to work.

You are being unreasonable, judgemental and sound rather jealous OP.

This is very true which is why I lived in Nice and caught the train in each day. I was lucky I avoided those warlords during my commute.

OP, if you're an actual friend and you've been having 'endless' chats about it when you've been supportive and positive, why don't you try a little bit of honesty and tell her that you feel envious of this opportunity. Presumably it's the potential lack of money worries for this couple that is stirring things up for you...?

Erm sounds like she’s being pushed into moving abroad when she doesn’t want to. You sound jealous and a bit of a rubbish friend to be honest.

How about supporting her to talk to her husband about not being forced to live in a place she doesn’t want to and where it sounds like her work might initially suffer?

Serious this victim crab mentality needs to stop, everyone upset at everything. Because she has some good fortune she needs to keep her privileges in check, more like you need to keep your jealousy and envy in check.

There was another post where a broke person was upset her friend bought coffee and then processed to big coffee and food that she cannot afford because her fiends didn’t consider her brokenness and her privilege. Jeez.

I would understand if she was throwing it in your face but she wasn’t.

YABU and you're not a good friend

You don't sound like a good friend. Sounds like you have a bad case of the green eyed monster.

This isn't privilege. This is you thinking she should want something she doesn't want.

But op hasn't said friend is banging on about it. Just that she wants to meet to discuss it and op feels her financial situation means she should be more appreciative and not complain.

I think the friend needs someone to talk through how she feels so she can work out whether she wants to persuade her DH to not do this, or whether she thinks she can cope, it's a big change- a lot to think through and a good friend to be a sounding board is helpful. Doesn't mean she's whinging on.

OP says I AM supporting her, we are having endless conversations about this

my sister moved to canada from the uk with her husband and whilst it was a brilliant opportunity it was extremely upsetting and emotional for us all involved, while we are happy they’ve all settled she misses us all loads and we miss them and their children loads! she is what you would call privileged but it was hard for her to go, i think you are being unreasonable she’s entitled to be worried about moving to another country

Sounds like jealousy

If you are a genuine friend to a rich person you have to allow them to have feelings and problems too. Otherwise you're not a real friend to her

As @ForgottenCoat said "Rule one of relationship: have the same life goals."

If the DH has loads of money they could stay here and pay tax. If they need to move abroad then either he may not have quite so much but the tax free status gives them much more. I know people who live in Dubai for example for tax reasons. I would no more live there than wrestle a pig , but some people like it and take to the lifestyle. Personally if very well off I would stay here and pay the tax and give up the glamorous apartment abroad. But I would expect to have a proper conversation with DH.

I would never be jealous of someone who has been persuaded to live in Dubai or indeed other places. Life is too short. ( I exclude from this some people who do a short term stint just to build up some money in savings with a view to coming back home )

But my choice I would be clear I would not be going but she may be in two minds.

It sounds as though the money all but comes with strings attached. Possibly her husband is putting pressure on her behind the scenes too.

She doesn't want to go and live in this tax haven, and she thinks the move is too big or daunting for her. She'd prefer to stay put where her friends and family are and where she is settled with a good clientele for her work. Her feelings are totally valid.

I think that could be a grabby DH seeing nothing other than £££££ rather than privilege.

If this was the case then her anger should be about droning on about the same topic rather than her supposed privilege.

And she only added that later after the thread didn’t go her way, her opening post was about how her friend doesn’t recognize her privilege which is a very ridiculous view to have.

It's not a privilege if you dont want to do it. All this check your privilege bollocks is irritating. Yes she has an opportunity many (most) people don't and won't have, but is being told she needs to uproot from everything she knows, and live in a foreign country as dictated by her husband- or divorce. Not sure where the privilege is.

I certainly wouldn't want to leave behind everything and everyone I know and love, no matter how much money there is in the bank.
You are being very unreasonable OP

I live abroad its mostly great.
But I chose to do so, it wasn't something pushed on me by someone else.
Having to uproot yourself from your country when you don't want to sounds awful.

This isn’t privilege - it’s a friend being jealous that another one is wealthier.

This feels a little bit like shutting a mum down who is going through a rough patch. Maybe 3 under 3, newly postpartum sleep deprived and wanting some advice/solidarity/a sympathetic ear. And saying she should shut up because some women can't even have children