To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

[PennyLany]

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

As with so many threads, the first response nails it.

Your friend is proving the point that happiness in life isn’t just about money. An ivory tower is an ivory tower and your friend knows this. Sounds like you may have a few issues over her/her husband’s money and it’s blinding you to the fact that she still has a problem.

I know people whos relationships ended because uprooting from their old lives adjusting to a new life in another country was too difficult. No one was forced to do anything but the realisation that each partner had different career plans/dreams meant they couldnt stay together and be happy if one was sacrificing what they wanted.

Your friends worries are valid. Money helps a lot but it isnt always enough.

Sometimes life can be shit for someone even if you think it can’t possibly be. Money is handy but fuckall use if you aren’t happy or healthy.

Doesn’t see her privilege though?

Why should she? You don’t see yours. The only things you are chatting about at the moment is having to listen to a close friend and bitching about her privilege. Whatever that is.

Come to think of it, I think I would find it wearing as my life is really hard. So yeah, you're probably being unreasonable but it might be because you're sad or something. I guess try and listen as you're her friend and think about why you feel like you do. This thread has helped me. Thanks

Its a big deal going to another country. I've done it, you've got to learn the language really well to be able to fit in, understand jokes etc, you leave all your friends and relatives behind and the country you love.
It's hard, I wouldn't do it again.

Its lovely she has an understanding friend to talk it out with

Shocked she would agree to leave everything behind to live in a tax free country so her husband can effectively live off unearned income (investment profits ect.)

I'd be telling her honestly the only country's in the world with tax free income status are 3rd world country's & certain holiday spots (= dubai) & as a female will have no rights to any of it if it goes arse up or he moves on to somebody else... .

Shes right to fucking worried the days of Swiss money laundering & tax deductions are long fucking over & shes litteraly risking life & limb to give her husband a wealthier standard of living (assuming he doesn't get targeted by somebody while living it up abroad)

You'd be mad as a friend to not tell her to reconsider (then reconsider your own friendship if she chooses to go anyway)!

My DH was offered a very highly paid job abroad and I was distraught. I realise we'd have been very well off but I felt extremely anxious and tearful for weeks. In the end we didn't go for several reasons but I can absolutely understood why your friend is distressed.

Rule one of relationship: have the same life goals.

She is well within her rights to feel down. Just because she can work remotely doesn’t make everything okay.

Everybody in the world is ‘privileged’ compared to someone else.

All this ‘check your privilege’ has become tiresome bollocks and is increasingly being used by bitter, jealous people to shut down other’s that they perceive have more materially than they do. It’s not got anything to do with actual privilege.

I can sometimes understand encouraging others to consider their privilege when they are criticising less fortunate people but not when it's a person talking about their own situation. When you're unhappy with your situation knowing that others are worse off doesn't make you feel better.

Risking 'life and limb' by living in zero income tax places like the Bahamas, Cayman Islands, Maldives, Monaco, Saint Kitts and Nevis? Really?

You're supposed to be her friend. Should she not talk to you? I'd be unhappy in her situation too...the money isn't that much of a privilege if it's not going on things that make you happy, and indeed makes a change you don't want.

The relevant thing is that your friend's husband has essentially just decided that he's going to give up work and move abroad and your friend has basically been given the option of either going with him and staying married, or not going with him and being separated. The money aspect of it has no bearing whatsoever on the situation. She has just as much reason to be pissed off as she would have if her husband had announced he was emigrating to work in a bar.

Even if I was super wealthy, I'd still fucking hate to live in (eg) Dubai and I too would be very unhappy if my partner suddenly decided that was our future with no concern for how I felt about it.

Yes. None of these places listed are actually safe outside of tourism spots & local known area's

The idea that 2 (presumably) british people from england would be able to live long term safely & securely, and without any personal/relationships problems, based on the fact that he's about too come into enough money to be worth tax dodging for early retirement is madness

You asked if you were being unreasonable OP and the current standing is 95% think you are, including myself … it does come across as jealousy to be honest. You said you’re so supportive in real life to this friend, but if you were my friend I’d rather you were honest and said you find it tiresome to listen to and you think she’s incredibly fortunate to be in this situation. I’d rather know where we stood than you speaking badly about me behind my back.

I have lived in a country you name. Safer than my SE London home at the moment. I have also lived in a "third world" country. Life and limb is ridiculously dramatic.

Your thinly veiled glee over her husband' dumping her or finding another woman is very telling, as is you telling the OP to dump her friend in her time of need! Even if the friend stays behind or divorces her Dh before he can divorce her, she still deserves sympathy.

I worked in Monaco for a number of years, I guess it really was no different to Mogadishu in hindsight.

Haven't her husband worked hard and had a good luck in a well paid business/ investment portfolio to earn that money? If the answer is yes, and he is going to pay his first share of taxes here. I don't see any privileges.

You may think that living in "Turks and Caicos" with load of cash is living the dream. She just had told you that she is very happy in "Cumbria" with less money, and moving to another country makes her uncomfortable.

OP you are not being this woman's friend. Friends should be able to discuss concerns about their lives with one another, whether it's about big, serious issues like how to cope with bereavement or divorce, or small things like how their in-laws are annoying! They should be able to do this whether they are rich or poor! This woman is clearly facing a big issue in her marriage. If you can't be there for her because she has "money" then you should step away as you are not on her side at all.

I guess one of the things she may miss in her new life is close friends like you, to talk over her problems.

Doesn't look like she feels being in a 'privileged position' is going to make her happy. Would you give up everything, OP - ie family and friends within a reasonable distance, hobbies, places you enjoy visiting, ie your whole lifestyle?

If she goes, your friend will presumably have to leave her friends, family and work contacts behind, together with any interests and activities that are UK based and not available where she would be going. She'll have to try to make friends with a load of strangers with no guarantee that they will actually have anything in common. It's pretty obvious why she's not happy, isn't it? So far as I'm concerned, living in most tax-free countries would bore me to tears, even if I could continue working in the location in question, given that work isn't everything.

I get it that she's not being forced, but I suspect there's quite a lot of moral pressure not to kibosh her husband's dreams and not to throw his "gift" back in his face. So yes, she does have cause to grumble

As the thread isn’t going as the OP hoped, she’ll probably get it pulled for being ‘too outing’ next.