To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

[PennyLany]

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

Whilst she may be privileged financially she doesn't sound like she is in terms of human connection and her relationship.

People are entitled to moan and complain, to 'call her out' on it would be ridiculous. How many of us have complained about our water, gas or other utility bills? There are millions of people in the world without those basic necessities, following you logic the fact we have access to them means we shouldn't complain when there is a change of supply or cost because we are privileged

If your homeless you complain your tents been stolen. If you are middle earner you'll complain about just about everything, if you're rich you complain about this shit. Money doesn't make you happy I think.
It's always problems and they seem real and are real to those experiencing them. She's not being horrible and smug, trying to put you down for not being wealthy? If so then that's another matter.
As long as she can also be understanding of your problems then I guess it is just a different world, but not so different as she's not living the dream in her own eyes.
She's your friend and wants to confide in you hopefully. You wouldn't really want to swap lives with her would you?

My mum lived a wealthy life in her home country and also lives a wealthy life here. You can say that’s privileged.

She has also suffered political persecution, not seeing loved ones for decades, some of whom died without her ever seeing them again, and a lot illness in her children.

But hey, she shouldn’t ever complain because she has money right? 🙄

My idea of privilege is freedom. Financial freedom is worthless if it doesn't come with physical freedom to see friends and live in an environment that you enjoy.

So YABVU.

To all the rude answers above. I AM supporting her, we are having endless conversations about this and I m being nothing but positive and supportive with her, these are just thoughts that come to mind that I am not sharing with anyone, just here on MN.

Irrelevant.

You do realise having money does not mean you can't have problems?

I don't see any privilege issue here. You should be a good friend and listen/support her if you can.

Sorry, all sounds like you're a bit jelly to me.

Her concern is perfectly valid. Yes, she might have plenty of money, but what about her work, her friends?

Can't really see what the problem is. Just because you are well off it does not mean you have to constantly frame your situation via some recognition of your 'privilege' at every moment.

This. She’s allowed to have misgivings about this and to talk to a friend about it. She’s clearly mistaken about you being a friend.

Yes she is in a privileged position in some ways, but it is also a huge thing to uproot one’s life and start over in a new place. Both things can be true - her feelings are absolutely valid. You sound jealous and not very supportive.

People are different. You might love it. Her, not so much.

I have a friend who’s lived in a few amazing places, where her partner at the time was working. She sat in indoors at all of these cool locations (which I’d love to live in) & waited for him to come home from work every day. She was very lonely!

You have got to be kidding! Moving to a new country is one of the toughest things you can ever do. I should know. I have done it.

She isn't privileged if she is made to go and live somewhere she doesn't want to.
Why shouldn't be allowed to complain about it?
She is probably apprehensive about it all or feeling in a dilemma or might even just go through with it just to keep the peace , who knows?
The money might cushion things a bit, but it won't make her happy if she does move and it's not what she wants or she can't rebuild her own life / business or whatever.

And may I say: the level of snide envy on MN for anyone who is not dirt poor is awful. You don't need to bring privilege into every damn thing. Certainly not this situation.

It's really weird that you're annoyed at this. It's nothing to do with privilege, she doesn't want to leave the country! Your reaction is strange.

They (he) has made good investments so that they now have a decent amount of money. I don't see this makes them privileged rather they (he) made sensible decisions.

Of course she can feel aggrieved that he wants to drag her off to somewhere she doesn't want to live and its great that your update suggests he won't force her and will come up with other ideas.

I don't think there is any privilege at play in any of this rather it is your own jealousy or envy of their (her) situation that is coming out in not really wanting to hear her concerns (because despite your protests that you are supporting her it really sounds as though you don't want to hear her because you are jealous they have money now).

This is why i have mostly stopped talking to friends about my problems. Everything has turned into a race to the bottom, and if you earn a bit more than any other person, they will snipe beyond your back.

I only talk to my mum now. She is happy for me always.

*behind not beyond.

Moving a to new country is hard at best and isn't for everyone. There are places that no amount of money would make me want to live and I wouldn't feel privileged to go somewhere I didn't want.

Hi, I have a friend who is financially very well off and occasionally goes over and over and over things with me about whether she should invest in another house, go on 4 rather than 3 exotic holidays, should she get a job for 6 months (highly paid) to soften the blow of all the expenses.. bla bla. I have known her for 20+ years and sometimes, yes it does really irritate me that she voices all these hard choices, however, and a big HOWEVER, all I do is listen and give advice on what I think I would do, if I dismissed the conversation and made her feel like she couldn't confide in me, then other times I might need her opinion she might dismiss my feelings about something she cant relate to, like issues with my son (she is childless by choice). My situation to hers is very different and she sometimes forgets - or doesn't adjust knowing that she's speaking to someone who has been divorced and has a massive mortgage and wont ever be in the same financial situation as her, but her feelings are still real and she's my friend. She can sometimes, say things like, "I know these are not really hard decisions"..and proceed to list off all the things she has like. 3 houses, no kids, etc.' , but I still listen and say things like, "all the time you are healthy", and "if you don't like it, come home". If you decide that you can't bear to listen to her any longer and makes you feel depressed, then de-friend - is that an option?

Yes, I can see how this would be grating, it’s all very ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’.

On some level she’s enjoying talking about it.

I think you’ve given her sympathy for the hard bits (leaving behind friends, family and work) but there’s not much you can do so I would be busy a lot more when she wants to talk.

Same. A gilded cage is still a cage.
Agree with this.
Just because he won't put a gun to her head and march her on a plane doesn't mean she's got equal voice.

It sounds like she's feeling pressured into a move she doesn't really want to a life she doesn't necessarily want.

It's one thing to move as a couple/family because both people are excited about the new adventure and new chapter. It's quite another to feel like your spouse is expecting you to uproot yourself from a life you like because he's got money now and fancies living somewhere with no tax.

Privilege has no contact here.

Your poor friend having you as judgemental and jealous friend is the problem.

Well she’s not in a terrible position if she’s MARRIED to the very wealthy man. She can divorce him and have a very comfortable life wherever she chooses to live, surely.

It’s really weird that people don’t see that endless conversations about anything can get annoying and boring.