To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

[PennyLany]

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

You could try empathy instead of bitterness?

On a practical level does she want out of this plan? Is the looking to bounce some ideas with you on how to talk to him about it or what if she can't convince him? If then I'd not care about the privilege side and help her.

If she's just passively going along with it when she doesn't have to and just wants a sounding board I'd be a lot less patient.

You sound jealous but honestly I’d be jealous too!

It’s like when my child free friends complain about how tired they are. It annoys me to no end because I’m fully exhausted with my 2! And logically I KNOW you can be tired without children but it ticks me off. It’s not rational but it’s just how I feel and in this case, I totally get how you feel 🤷🏻‍♀️

That sounds rubbish. You can have loads of money, but feeling like you're being coerced to leave your home and support network and probably babysit a grown man who is 'retired' early and probably wants to be entertained and have his meals cooked for him all day doesn't sound like my idea of a privileged life.

That said, I'd also believe it when I see it. I have a friend whose husband has been going to 'sell up' his 'very profitable' business for about 5 years now. She's been going on viewings of £1-2m houses for years every time a new one comes on the market near us. But there is always an excuse as to why this house or that house isn't right so they are 'holding off cashing in'. Every year, their dd is 'going to move to private school' because they really are going to sell the business 'soon'. They continue to live in their ratty mid-terrace and their dd continues in the state school with all the others. My guess is that the business is never going to sell for as much as either of them have talked up to everyone, or else it would long be sold and they'd be on their yacht somewhere.

You don't sound like a friend OP.

I'd be upset if a friend felt she couldn't share her problems with me for fear of some circumstance/privilege judgement.

Also the reason why people on here do the tedious pre-grovel, when they want to speak about something bothering them, especially if it's to do with money/gifts etc., for fear of the 'cost of living/world event' brigade.

It's really weird that the endless part was only mentioned a few messages in, some would say a drip feed. So yeah I stand by that it's a weird reaction to a friend not wanting to leave the country, it has zero to do with privilege.

Also the reason why people on here do the tedious pre-grovel, when they want to speak about something bothering them, especially if it's to do with money/gifts etc., for fear of the 'cost of living/world event' brigade.

Not just on here. All social media, and now RL too. Everybody apologising constantly. It's so annoying. Some of my friends have taken to apologising for being SAHMS.

A friends husband went abroad to work for a year or 2 in the middle East as it was financially beneficial for them.

I could still sympathise that it was hard for her being on her own with 3 very young children in the meantime.

So you can only be a genuine friend to her and support her in her worries and concerns if she has less money than you?
Having money doesn't equal having no right to be upset about things and a genuine friend would be supportive not judgy.

Is she in a privileged position ?

Yes in the sense that this is not a situation a couple loving on the breadline would have to navigate, but does that really make her privileged? It's her husband's money, not hers. If she follows him she will be very dependent on him, possibly in a country where women's rights aren't so good. She certainly hasn't got gender privilege in this situation and may not even have wealth privilege given it's her DH's money.

I tend to think of privilege in terms of likelihood of discrimination and difficulties in life rather than lucky advantage. So as a white woman I don't face the same barriers as black women, for example, but I face more barriers than say a white man. However, plenty of white people face other forms of discrimination (perceived class, accent, etc).

Your friend is better off than most and has lots of advantages. However, she's not benefitting from privilege in the sense that if she was a different race/sex/religion this problem would go away.

That's a bit different, she stayed behind and had to raise dc on her own.

There's no law that says OPs can't add more info.

This .

All this tiresome privilege rubbish . Her feelings are just as valid .

Yanbu to be jealous about her having no money worries. If you’re poor then you’re probably not the best person to talk to. Yanbu if she’s only talking about this topic and isn’t likely to do anything about the situation.
Yabu to think that the money means that she can’t have any other worries at all. Emigrating is a massive deal and she isn’t unreasonable to be jealous of people who can see friends and family easily. If her marriage breaks down when living abroad , she may be stranded there if they have kids and she may not be eligible for a fair divorce settlement.

Yeah I fully agree there's no law against drip feeds, they are just boring as they seem to crop up when the answers aren't going how the OP wants them to, which is exactly how the responses here have gone.

^ Well said - this is exactly what I was thinking

The privelage of having a lot of money is that it gives you choice. She isn't having a choice get husband appears to have handed her this decision.
She doesn't want this comfortable easy tax free life. She's rather part her taxes and stay with her friends etc.
I'd sympathise with her because all that money and she is getting packed off to live a life she doesn't want.

I think I'd find it a bit wearing after a time too.

This
I'm skint, but WTF people with money can have problems too

Tell us you’re envious without tell us you’re envious op.

of course moving away is difficult even if it’s a decision she ultimately supports, if you feel the need to bitch about her behind her back,and envy her like this you are not a friend.

Sometimes when we think horrible things it’s best not to share them.

maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel

You seriously think that by her DH having a load of money in his bank account its going to top your friend having to leave her home and friends and move to a foreign country?

Explore away...hope you can find the reason why you feel as you do and your close friend has other friends she can turn to that take her opinion into consideration without feeling she'd be privileged by giving up her life here.

She doesn't see it as a money problem, she sees it as a relationship problem. Her husband really wants to do something she doesn't want to do at all. You can be a good friend by listening.

So because she's well off, she's not allowed to have problems? You're not being much of a friend OP.

This! Best not to complain about anything to friends.

Ever in the U.K. is mired with strange jealousy for anyone with a bit more, pared with an unhealthy obsession with class