To be annoyed with a friend because she doesn't see her privilege

[PennyLany]

Difficult to find a good title for this thread as the situation is quite complex tbh. Will try to summarise it below, I just want to understand whether anyone else would also feel annoyed at this or maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel.

One of my closes friends has recently told me that her husband is about to cash in a big sum of money from his investments (I don't know how much) and is planning to quit his job and move abroad to a tax free country with her. She wanted to have a chat to essentially complain about this whole situation as she isn't very happy with it. She is glad he has made tons of money but feels unhappy with the idea of leaving her life behind and relocate to a new country (which is actually very understandable) because of this. Whilst I completely get her point, I also think that this is a position of incredible privilege as she'd essentially be living a very comfortable life in a nice place whilst he quits his job and continues to manage his own money as a living. She works as a freelance illustrator and can continue to do so remotely too but it is likely she will struggle a bit initially with her work whilst adjusting to life in a new country and being out of her usual network.

I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?

I wouldn't be regarding this as a "privilege" tbh.

You're entitled to your feelings and reactions, but you aren't the right person for her to confide in. Maybe find a way to let her know this.

How are you supporting her @PennyLany , when you think she should be checking her privilege in this situation- away from your home, family, friends, customs etc - all things money cannot buy (unless he’s also moving her family at least)?

Just because she will live a wealthy life abroad doesn’t mean she has to be happy about it, doesn’t sound like she has much of a choice in the matter and moving country is massive, it can be very isolating, starting your whole life again, no family or friends and she probably feels she can’t say no and wants to express her feelings which she probably can’t tell her husband as he will think she’s being ungrateful to a friend. I wouldn’t want to move country rich or not

Yabvu

Absolutely this!

So what?

Have only read your posts, @PennyLany, so I don't know what comments you've got already, but I imagine they'll be mixed. Or at least, my response to you is a little bit mixed.

I can see both sides. I think! You see her being financially comfortable / well off, and to you, that is privileged. Certainly, not having money gives you shedloads of problems. (Been there, done that.) But - and I don't think you've taken this on board - having money doesn't mean you don't have problems. It's just a different set of problems, with either the money causing the problems or the money not insulating you from the problems.

Let's look at her problems. Her entire life is going to be turned upside down, there is no aspect of her life that will be untouched by her husband's plans. His money is causing her massive problems / stress / worry. Do you really consider having your life turned upside down 'privileged', just because the gas bill is covered?

I know you said "To be clear, he isn't forcing her! She is able to say no and he'll find another solution, he won't drag her on a plane or leave her behind" - now think that through. She says no - what will he do? How will he react to his (presumably long-held) dreams being rejected by his wife? What other solution will he find now? What sequence of events will be set in motion? How will that affect their relationship? Sometimes, you can only say 'no' theoretically. She may feel unable to actually say no, having thought through the consequences her 'no' will set in motion.

"I want to be there for her but I can't help thinking this is a very privileged position she is in and shouldn't complain too much. AIBU?"
To be blunt - being well-off financially is only a privileged position IF your challenges and problems are all financial. Her problems are NOT financial. So, yes - YABU. VU.

"maybe it's just me and I need to explore the reasons why I feel the way I feel."
I think you do need to ponder your feelings a bit. I wonder if perhaps you have faced / are facing / are feeling overwhelmed by finances? That your own problems would not be so pressing if you had her money? Explore away, it's never a bad idea to know why you feel how you feel.

Yabu just because you would be happy doing something like that does not mean everyone else would be Happy with it. Leaving her whole life behind, absolutely everything and everyone she knows to go to a country in a strange place, new house, no friends, no family, everything different. She's probably dreading it.

Look at you op - complaining here abiut a non issue when people are suffering un Ukraine and Gaza - for shame - don't you see your privilege!

So what you are saying is your are being two-faced?

Pretending your understand/care/sympathise about her issues when you don't? That must be exhausting. If you think she is whinging while she has all that privilege then at least be honest and tell her.

This isn't about her privilege. This is about her husband forcing her to move to another country so he doesn't pay tax. Moving countries is very disruptive sounds like her work will struggle, she will lose her friendships and be far away from family. Do you not get why that would be very upsetting? Her husband is putting her in quite a difficult position, she probably feels lonely and frustrated.

Check yourself OP. You're not a good friend.

That's fine then. Personally, I'd give it a whirl (unless, as someone said upthread, it's somewhere ghastly). But then I have form for wandering off to live in random new countries.

There’s no way I’d do this. Most tax free places are soulless- so, if she’s feeling pressurised to do this I’d have plenty of sympathy.

Being told what I'm doing, where I'm going, let alone where Im living for the rest of my life...

I quite like my little council house and very little money thank you.

When you talk about being "positive and supportive" do you mean you are trying to persuade her that this is a wonderful idea that she should be embracing because it is such a privilege? Whether she wants to go or not?

If that is what you mean then you are being extremely tone deaf here.

She is daunted and unsettled by the idea of such a massive upheaval, uprooting herself from everything she knows in order to go and live in some tax haven which she will be unfamiliar with. It isn't like just going on a holiday for a few weeks. It's HARD!!! It's a total change of lifestyle and culture too.

She knows that if she goes then there is a high chance she will be homesick and unhappy with no friends, probably a language barrier and having to build up her business from scratch again. She also knows that if she doesn't agree to this probably long-held idea of her husband's then her marriage will very likely fail. He might say at the moment that he won't go if she isn't on board, but in reality it is a rejection of his "marvellous idea" and resentment is likely, however unreasonable that would be.

Doesn't sound like much of a privilege to me.

I guess you are probably not going to come back to the thread now though because you haven't received the validation you thought you would.

Sounds like financial abuse to me tbh and is not something to aspire to. Basically her DH has all the money and because of that is forcing a major lifestyle change that she doesn't want but will probably have to go along with. I've said it before, a gilded cage is still a cage. You don't sound like a good friend, your jealousy is clouding your judgement. If a friend told me this I'd be concerned for her 🤷‍♀️

That's not privilege it's being smart with money and risks paying off.

I feel very sorry for her if basically her choice is to follow her husband and leave her life behind or stay and leave her husband

Which part triggered you?

Wow with friends like you who needs enemies. So basically she should be happy because she has money??

At first I thought yabu for all the reasons people said but on reflection, yanbu.

She could just not go. Instead she is choosing to go and presumably will enjoy the benefits of tax free money.

Which is fine, as long as she and her DH have no intention of ever benefitting from tax funded services. And even then is kind if still shitty to not want to contribute to society. If nobody paid taxes the world would be a shithole.

THIS!

It's really distasteful.

I think you annoyed because deep down you are jealous OP.

Erm.. alot of us do pay taxes and the world is a shithole..