For not letting my son go on holiday abroad with his best friend and his family?

[TheAvidPlumRobin]

My son (turning 15 in the summer) and this boy have been best friends for almost a year now. I'm talking two peas in a pod best friends. They're in the same school, but the bestie is 2 years older. They hang out and chat every single day. In my opinion, they have a bit of a weird dynamic because my son sees / treats him like a mentor, and the best friend is the one who takes the lead; but that's beside the point.

The best friend is rich. He's going with his family to the Seychelles (2 weeks) for Easter. Surprisingly, he invited my son (who thought he was just joking at first). Either way, the boy's parents contacted me and we met up to talk. They basically told me that they'll pay for everything (accommodation, flights, food, activities, souvenirs, etc.), and they'd love to have my son come along with them. They said that I don't have to worry about safety and such because the boys are well behaved, and they're eagle-eyed. I said I need some time to think it though.

My husband thinks it's a great opportunity since we obviously couldn't afford such a trip, plus the family has a great reputation. I'm not so sure though. Firstly, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of my son becoming a charity case. Secondly, the Seychelles is very far away, and my son has never travelled that far before. My son is very upset with the no answer, and my husband also believes I'm being unreasonable and weird about this.

I still have some time to change my mind though. I do have some doubts about my decision honestly.

They’re both only children and you’ve met the parents. Let him go.

Being brought up with not much money I can totally understand the charity aspect, but I can almost guarantee that the other parents are not concerned with how much your family does or does not have. They just want their kid to have a friend on a probably fairly sedate family holiday and they’ve invited him so of course they’re paying.

Having said that I get that you don’t want to send him and have him be completely reliant on them for every penny. It might help generally to talk to your son about how he feels about money when he’s with his friend day to day.

Give him spends so he can show appreciation to the parents by holding his own with tickets to attractions and to his friend by being able to treat him to snacks and they’ll both have a great time.

Pay no attention to all the PP who frown upon you for the way you feel about this.
I am certain none of them have been in this kind of situation as it is very uncommon.
Trust your instinct OP and whoever criticises your decision can fuck right off.

I'm not defensive nor annoyed, I already answered that question: "No." Then I said why. And respectfully, I'm not here to receive condescending parenting lessons from someone who doesn't believe disordered eating and eating disorders are 2 separate things (a medical fact), but believes a 2-year age gap is a "red flag" & potential grooming.

The parochialism is extraordinary isn't it? I took myself off to see a school friend in HK one summer holidays aged 14. No one thought anything of it.

One of my sisters best friends is 2 years younger, they've been friends since they were young and still really good friends now in their 40s sometimes people just click

If they are both sensible and you've met the parents then I'd say let him go. The worry about him being so far away is reasonable but that's something that ime doesn't change as they become older teens /young adults

One of mine is a young adult and off to Japan for a year soon and I know I'm still going to worry about the distance

15 and going away with parents who presumable you feel are responsible sounds like a better deal right now

@coureur I agree. I do not understand why some people choose to lead such small lives when they have other choices.

I understand you having reservations as it is a long way but, as the parent of an only child, I could also see us doing this sort of thing some time in the future as it would be great for them to have company on holiday (not to the Seychelles sadly though!). I’m sure they don’t think of you as a charity case and they are just thinking it would be nice for the son to have company on holiday-it’s probably a tricky age to be going away with parents!

Of course you don't know what is categorically right or wrong when it comes to raising teenagers. Three teenagers and you're the queen of raising teens across the world in the best way possible, no exceptions?
What boundaries? What rubbish? Seriously, what are you on about?!

I would 1000% let your DS go.

I think you've been extremely patient with the unhinged grooming chat, particularly as you never stated it was a concern (and neither was the barely-existent "age gap") and have explained why multiple times.

I hope your uncertainties on the two concerns you did raise have been allayed a bit. I think it'll be a wonderful opportunity for your son.

Let him go. It's a chance of a lifetime. It's not charity, it's company for their kid which ultimately makes the holiday more enjoyable for everyone.

I'd have concerns about this tbh, though I see I'm well and truly in the minority. I think 17 is very different from 14 (not 15 til the summer, OP says), and I'd worry that the parents' idea of supervision and age-appropriate activity would be attuned to the needs of a 17-year-old, and that the pair of them might get into stuff over their head in an unfamiliar environment if not supervised adequately, particularly if OP's son tends to look up to/copy the 17yo.

To agree to this trip I'd want to be 100% solid about being able trust both the parents and the friend, and I'm not sure that's possible when the two of them have been friends for less than a year and OP didn't meet the friend's parents until the trip was mooted. I'm sure they were very pleasant and all that, but I'd need longer to be comfortable we were all on the same page in terms of values, expectations and oversight. Tbh, anyone who didn't understand why I was refusing their generous invitation on the behalf of my child would kind of be proving my point.

I'm obviously a grinchy old bat compared with all the relaxed parents who would want their child to have the "opportunity" of going to a luxury beach destination, but the best answer my DS would be getting would be "maybe another year".

Yes, the unexpected number of replies I've received here have changed my outlook.

The best friend is 16 until the summer too. Son is late June, best friend is early August.

I got taken to Disney world Florida as a 15 year old by my then best friends family. We would never have afforded such a trip and I had the absolute best time and still amazing memories some 30 years down the line. I would let him go. It’s not a charity case thing. It’s easier to have 2 kids to keep each other occupied than one bored and moody teen

Parochialism?
How rediculous.
Some of us actually give a shit about our kids past 12 but thats frowned upon on MN.

You are being really mean to your son here. Plain nasty.

Please don't hold him back. Let him go. Tell him you worry because you love him so much and that you know you need to trust he will be OK. His friend's parents sound very nice and they've done their utmost to help you feel at ease. Now just try and trust that all will be OK and try not to worry about everything that might go wrong. Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere. Ensure he has a way to contact you. Give him your blessing, ask for lots of photos and take huge pleasure in this amazing opportunity he has!

Gosh you've received some strange replies on here.

I would let him go.

I will be in the other family's position in a few years when my eldest no longer wants to come on family holidays. At that point I will be wanting to invite a niece or a best friend to come on holiday with us to keep my DD company.

I wouldn't dream of asking the guest's family to pay. We can afford it and they will be helping us out by keeping DD company.

Oh and my DD#'s best friend is 2 years older than her.

Off topic but I have to say @piegirl74 I love this "Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere". Thank you!

When I was 11 I was invited to go to the US with a friend (whose Dad lived there). We weren't poor but not well off either, and had only done UK holidays before, and, as a family, would never have gone on a holiday to the US.

It was utterly amazing to visit America (New York and New England). I am so glad I had the opportunity to go. I vividly remember it now (4 decades later).

Although the friend that invited me had a younger sister, I imagine that I was invited to be company for the children and keep them amused a bit. OP, it sounds like your son will be a great companion to his friend if they both go to this holiday. I'm so glad to read that you've changed your outlook.

What an amazing opportunity, you should let him go. The family sound kind and I don't
Think you should let your pride get in the way.

Accepting a generous offer from someone doesn't make you a charity case. As the saying goes, "giving is a selfish thing". Presumably they are doing this because it will give them pleasure and satisfaction - knowing that their son will have a much more wonderful trip with his best bud along with him. At that age, going away with just your family can start to feel a bit unsatisfying: having a friend is much more fun!

Don't let your pride stand in the way of:

• Your son having an incredible experience

• Your son's friend having a better holiday

• His parents having a happier holiday, knowing their son is enjoying himself much more than he would if your son didn't go AND getting much more time to themselves as a couple because the boys will be able to go and amuse themselves and spend time together - which will give them a lot more "couple's time"

I strongly suspect that if you son doesn't go they will consider inviting another friend instead, as they will clearly have a much better time if their son has a friend with him. Imagine how your son would feel if that happens...!

OP if you have no concerns about the friendship then I don't think your two reasons are good enough reasons to say no.

Firstly it's not a charity case, it's a holiday with a friend. It's normal for people to go on holiday with friends at that age - his parents probably want him to have a good time and invite someone along. That's not charity, it's friendship and it enhances his holiday too so he won't have to hang out with his parents the whole time.

Secondly, a 15 year old going somewhere they've never been before is a good thing - travel and new experiences are great things for developing young people.

I would let him go because he wants to and there's no reason not to.

I’d say no because the Seychelles is too far away if something goes wrong, or they fall out, or the parents do something weird that makes him feel uncomfortable. I’d also be concerned about the age gap, I think there’s a big difference between being 15 and 17.

I would also be concerned about grooming from the older boy, remember that perverts don’t advertise themselves, it’s always “I wouldn’t have expected it from HIM”