I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

I really don't think (to me) the distinction between a clump of cells or a small baby really matters.

it requires my life and health to stay alive, it requires me to be at risk to exist and I am ultimately legally responsible for its safe and healthy existence until it is born or taken in custody by the state.

Thus I should be able to exercise my bodily autonomy and decide wether i want to take the risk or not.

I think too many people are blasé about having babies and it would be infinitely better if people were responsible and waited.

I'm firmly pro-life/anti-abortion. I think her behaviour is appalling. Why did she refuse contraception and MAP?

The woman is free to make whatever decision she wants. Feel a bit sorry for the man but he could have avoided all this by using a condom.

Regardless, she (and he) did. Does that mean an unwanted child should be brought into the world?

She got pregnant all by herself, did she?

I agree. It’s sometimes presented as an equal and as easy to make choice as whether to have tea or coffee and I struggle with that. Obviously I don’t want anyone to have a hard time deciding but equally wish sometimes the gravity of the choice was acknowledged. I don’t ever and wouldn’t ever say anything to anyone but yes I’d absolutely privately judge them.

For so many women a lot of hormonal birth control is a nightmare.

It gave me insane mood swings, 6 week long periods, massive bloat etc etc.

For a lot of us it's just not worth it, especially after the hard slog of trying every different type with your doctor. A whole bunch of hit and miss with 6 different pills to counter act the effect of other pills.

I'm sure there are lot of long term effects on women's mental health that has yet to be explored.

I'd rather take my chances with condoms.

I'm pro choice too but would probably feel the same as you do in this situation especially given what you're going through with your little one.
This woman sounds extremely irresponsible! Hope she realises that she might never get pregnant again if she leaves it another couple of years!
At the end of the day though I think it is better in the long run to have an abortion than to have an unwanted baby that's going to be treated as an inconvenience

Do her actions make you want to ban abortion for every single woman? I doubt it.
You can be pro choice and not agree with every choice.

abortion as contraception is a misogynistic nonsense and we need to get rid.

It is not the reality for the majority of abortions and if it is, this is usually tied in with survival or coerced sex work, drug addiction and survival sex work or repeated sexual assault/abuse/battery

The vast majority of women who have more than 1 abortion or even 2 or 3 are not "using it as contraception" stop being ridiculous.

A sexually active person will have sex thousands of times in their lives 4 abortions isn't acting as contraception in any sense

Pro-choice means that a woman can choose, even if she makes a decision that you profoundly disagree with.

For some people it is though. Some feel absolute relief, there's no hardship involved at all.

Abortion is putting things back to normality, not having one is utterly life changing, yet people always expect more thought put into having an abortion than onto not having one.

You shouldn't be judging people for not torturing themselves enough over what is, for many, an easy choice.

Would it be better if that kind of unstable woman were forced to have the child?

@LovelyTheresa

If you read her post, she is doubting her pro choice status, so actually extremely relevant.

I agree with this- I agree abortions need to be available but I do judge people for having them for trivial reasons. That doesn't mean they shouldn't have that choice.

@Brawcolli

Pro life means that I believe all lives are valuable. However, all lives cannot be saved. So yes, in the case of an ectopic pregnancy, let's say, there has to be an abortion to save the mother's life. Of course there are exceptions.

Would you be ok with banning abortion apart from those that are medically necessary?

@fleurneige better for them to have abortions than bring innocent babies into the world that they’re not capable of looking after properly.

Whenever I see women with chaotic lives who want an abortion, I breathe a sigh of relief. That’s one fewer neglected child to be born.

@fleurneige

Why is it wrong?

In a world where abortion is not permitted, who is paying for these multitudes of new babies and children? How are they being housed, fed, educated and brought up with quality care?

I think the woman’s attitude seems a bit flippant to say the least. Also rather insensitive to ask you about motherhood when your own experience has been such a tough time, as you’re a Mum whose child has been battling a life-threatening illness. I’m not against abortion but she just seems like a bit of a nincompoop.

Being pro-choice means supporting the legal rights to an abortion not necessarily agreeing with the reasons for every decision made or having a personal opinion on someone's choice..

What the what now? Pro-choice means choice for everybody. End of.

I believe it is her choice.

I don't think you're unreasonable however OP. I think you are bound to have strong feelings around the subject of infancy and life, given your experiences with your own child. These things can hit us in surprising ways 💐

I think personally I would find her flippancy annoying, because whilst I've been lucky, I have watched so many friends struggling with fertility heartache. But I also agree that children should be wanted.

It is a difficult topic. The positive thing about the notion of choice is that each of us are free to make our own choice, and free to disagree with another's choice.

It's not ideal, but she realised it wasn't a good idea before it was too late. Better an abortion now than a child who isn't wanted 🤷‍♀️