I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

I'm pro choice because the alternative is making a woman simply an incubator rather than a person with her own rights to manage what's going on in her body. Which is a really dangerous path to go down.

However, I do have uncomfortable feelings about abortion since having a baby of my own and cherishing that little life at all the stages from 9 weeks onwards when I saw my first scan. I was much more ambivalent about under 16-week and even under 20-week abortions before I watched my little bean growing.

I don't think we should shy away from acknowledging that there are things about allowing abortions which are upsetting, even when you believe it's the only choice to protect women's autonomy.

@Didimum

You raise a good point. There should absolutely be more help for families. However, even if these services were not in place, it still wouldn't be ok to kill unborn babies.

For some women it is though, and who are you to say that’s wrong? I had an abortion at 24. I got pregnant on the last day of my period, whilst on the implant. I had no strong feelings about the abortion. I went with my partner, had the short procedure done and was home with my partner in a couple of hours. Now nearly a decade later I still don’t any guilt or remorse. It wasn’t the right time for me for many reasons. It wasn’t the right time for me to carry a baby for 9 months, birth it and then provide for it for 18+ years. Abortion is essential health care and you don’t have to agree with abortion or have one yourself, but denying other women a choice is just wrong and so is dictating how women should feel about it.

No not at all. But I do believe it's right to have the discussion and to expect women to not consider abortion as a form of 'contraception' willy nilly. And some do, far too many.

She isn't doubting her pro-choice status in the sense that she thinks she is 'pro-life' (or anti-choice, as I prefer to call it. Nothing 'pro-life' about the actions of a lot of anti-choicers) She is struggling with her personal judgement of one individual woman and wondering if that makes her a bad pro-choicer. At no point did she show any signs of coming around to your way of thinking.

I guess the whole point of having a pro choice legal framework is that your friends can judge you all they like, but you can still go ahead and get an abortion. You're quite entitled to your opinion, and I must say I agree with you, it's very cold. I too had planned my travels for years, and had finally booked them, I too thought I wouldn't get pregnant so fast, but I did. I suppose it has made some things really hard, but for me, abortion was not a choice I was willing to make. That's the point. As Suzanne Moore said, if you don't want an abortion, don't have one. End of.

You can support her choice but also judge that her attitude is flippant and irresponsible.

you can support her choice and consider that it is a waste of resources on her whims (but lots of resources are used up by different whims of many many people- eg drinking alcohol)

You can also support her choice and feel sad that a potential foetus will be destroyed.

You can support her choice and not feel sorry for her if she decides to wait several years and then has fertility issues, whilst also feeling sad for her missed opportunity.

It is OK to hold opposing thoughts and feelings, it is a complex subject.

Some are just too vocal about how little it means to them / affects them/ how easy it was to make that choice that’s my experience anyway on a few occasions. It’s a choice and that’s good but there are some people who can be tactless about it

But they AREN’T in place, and what’s more multitudes pregnancies don’t come about in ‘families’. So as someone who (presumably) would eradicate non-medically-necessary abortions, how are the resulting children to be cared for?

I’m not saying that anyone should
feel shame but I’m saying there’s no need to be shouting from the rooftops with inflammatory language it’s should just be one of those things that happens and is dealt with sensitively by all

@Didimum

I agree with what you've said, and I honestly don't have all the answers. But it still doesn't justify killing an innocent human being.

I know exactly how you feel @Calmondeck . I too am pro choice and staunchly so, but now I've had a baby I cant help think of this little burgeoning flicker of life. The two feelings can coexist in my mind though with some discomfort, not everything is black and white and nor should it be, the nuances and grey areas are where progression lies and has helped pave the way for prochoice laws as it should. But the emotional pull having been pregnant is there too.

Why should a woman not feel free to voice how she feels about her own body, experiences and medical history? No woman is responsible for any other person’s negative feelings regarding her own experience.

If you believe life starts at conception, but are okay with someone else choosing to terminate, does that not mean you are okay with someone killing their child? Not a dig - I feel the same as you and so have been struggling with this.

Of course I wouldn’t, I’m pro choice. No one should have to go through pregnancy and birth if they don’t want to, and bringing an unwanted child into the world is cruel.

I’m sorry, but if you don’t have any answer to that then pro-life is a poor and insufficient stance. If you’re OK with it being a poor choice, then fine.

People can deal with it however they want. You don't get to police how other people choose to cope.

I didn’t say you shouldn’t reply to the thread? I think you’ve quoted the wrong person.

@Didimum

I don't have the solution to eradicate murders, but I am still anti murder. Abortion is wrong, so I can oppose it even if I don't have policy procedures in place to fix every potential issue.

@Brawcolli

Cool, just clarifying your position.

You are absolutely spot on , given the change to realise this is a human being which is alive

I’ve heard some quite unpleasant things said from women who had a very dismissive attitude to the whole process (one at a late stage) and the language used was offensive- yes it was about her own body and experience but was upsetting to other I’m just saying we all have a responsibility not to cause distress to other people and to just have some consideration for others

@Didimum

Oh my apologies, must have gotten my lines crossed.

I'm prolife.

I'm pro the life of the women already here.

I'm pro whatever is in their best interests for thier physical, mental, and spiritual health.

I don't care how they make that decision, because I trust women to make their own minds up.

Everyone who wants these babies born how many children have you adopted? How many children have you fostered?

Speaking as the result of a 15yo girl who was forced to give birth it would be great if all the "prolifers" gave a shit about us once we are actually here.

Adoptees and foster children are at a higher risk for addiction, suicide, and criminal behaviour.

I'd love it if all the prolife people were so prolife once we are living.