I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

While I’ve always been pro choice, and always will be, I will freely admit to (privately) judging someone who aborted a 3rd baby purely because it was a 3rd boy. She’d have kept a girl.

Typo. I meant "they chose to inappropriately avoid conceiving"

Again, your personal feelings on what the early stages of pregnancy are not part of pro-choice. Your moral standpoint is not part of pro-choice.

It's OK to feel sad about it, but at the end of the day, if the child is not wanted, then the decision is the right one.

OK so I stand by my opinion. Becuase I have NEVER thrown caution to the wind and not don't everything I could to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I've taken the morning after pill becuase a condom broke when I knew the chances of conceiving were tiny, literally the day after my period. Becuase I wouldn't find it morally acceptable to abort a baby I allowed to be conceived unwanted.

I feel exactly the same, I really struggle to read some posts on here, so flippantly talking about abortion. At college, I knew a girl who had already had seven. She just liked sleeping around. One of my friends had one at 26 and has suffered ever since with severe depression, nightmares, and regret, I don't think there's enough knowledge of both ways about it. I think once you know more about the actual size of a baby, when they are often aborted, how they have a heartbeat and are formed, etc, it becomes even harder. Especially since losing my own baby, it's incredibly sad.

People are allowed to have opinions based on their personal feelings and moral standpoint. That's literally how we all have an inbuilt knowledge of what we believe is right and wrong. When did I claim to talk on behalf of "pro-choice"?

That niggling voice you hear is the truth. You feel upset because what she is doing is wrong.

That’s fine. But this thread isn’t about your personal attitude to your own pregnancies. It’s about the OP attitude to pro-choice.

And I referring to ‘caution to the wind’ risk in general terms - not contraceptive.

I had a friend like this. She was married and her and DH decided not to go ahead with pregnancy as they were having too much fun.

She never fell pregnant again. They were devastated when it didn’t happen. She’s still with her DH 35 years later but has always regretted her abortion.

I’m with you on that, I’ve used contraception every single time unless I wanted to be pregnant.

I’m pro choice but I could not have an abortion myself unless it was to save my life or the baby wouldn’t survive.

In the UK two doctors have to agree to your abortion and you have to say having a child would affect your mental health if you went through with the pregnancy, it may just be a formality but I couldn’t do it just because I had a holiday booked.

OP has asked for other people's opinions on why she, a person who believe women have the right to abortions, feels its wrong in this situation. I, a person who believes women have the right to abortions and feels this is wrong, have given my opinion..... yep, feels perfectly valid to offer my opinion and personal reason for that opinion.

Their Russian Roulette contraception is awful and I don't blame you for judging them (but please judge them both, not just her).

You would be entirely right to distance yourself from such idiots and still be pro-choice.

First answer reckons that it seems like a cold attitude to have. But it’s a clinical decision at the end of the day. Once you’ve gone through all of the emotions, the pros & cons, had all of the conversations. It’s a yes or no decision.

Being in favour of a woman's right to choose and being comfortable with the choice she makes are two different things. Its a bit like free speech isn't it? I might disagree with a lot of things said but defend the right to say them. Pro choice does not equal pro termination, merely that a woman's right to choose whether to progress with a pregnancy is sacrosanct. You might still personally believe her choice to be selfish/irresponsible/wrong...whatever, and that might apply equally to continuing the pregnancy, as long as you support her right to make it, then you're pro choice.
On a practical note, given you have feelings on the choice here, I'd avoid engaging in any more conversations about this. Particularly with him.

The whole thread is about what makes someone pro-choice, so yes, I think it’s reasonable to expect for the conversation to surround the stance of pro-choice.

She might not agree with her reasoning, but that doesn’t mean what she’s doing is wrong. No one should have to go through with a pregnancy they don’t want.

I'm pro choice. But I can still think it's cavalier and selfish and irresponsible to get pg on purpose, insist on talking about it to a woman whose child is seriously ill and then blithely drop into the conversation that she will terminate this one snd try again when it's more convenient. Those two views can exist simultaneously.

I'd still agree it's her right to have an abortion, so judging her character doesn't impact on maintaining her right to be an irresponsible twat.

Abortion is the ending of a potential human life - imo it's not something that should be done lightly or carelessly or without due consideration of what you are choosing. I'd defend to the death a woman's right to choose it, but that doesn't mean it's right to treat it like it's no more significant than a form of contraception!

No, she’s asked if her opinion makes her pro-choice or not. Do you think her opinion makes her pro-choice?

She's allowed to think allowed about the pros and cons of an unplanned pregnancy and friends should listen. It's normal to think through the what if scenarios.

Yanbu to feel emotional or sad about it but Yabu if you express this in any way to her - if it upsets you a lot or triggers you then you could set a boundary about talking about it in future though

That's a good way of putting it. As without choice then the default is pro forced pregnancy and forced birth which is a kind of unethical evil hell

I’ll hold my hands up I’m pro life and I have no problem saying so.
A baby has just as much right to live as the mother and father
Yes there may be times where a termination is the best option. However not because couples are taking risks with contraception.

What happens to the unwanted baby once they are born?

Ok...? OP isn't though. What's your point?

If a baby isn’t wanted use contraception. There are plenty out there. An unwanted baby could be given to a couple or person who’d do anything to have a child.
You can try to change my views if you wish but it’s not going to work.

Ah yes. I'll remind rapists to use contraception.

I hear growing up in care is a really wholesome childhood too.

I've never conversed with a pro-lifer who isn't unbelievably, conveniently and deliberately obtuse about the realities of unwanted children.