I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

You are so incredibly naive I'm not even entirely sure you're a genuine poster.

Your body, your choice. You can live that way if you want to.

You can't force other women to have babies, though. That's not your choice.

@Brawcolli

I'm pro life, so I obviously disagree.

While I can see why you would judge that, gender disappointment is very real and the people who experience it don't always get over it, so it was possibly the best outcome in that case. I can totally get why you would think it is awful, though.

You say in a later post you are pro-life, so your opinion isn't relevant to what the OP asked.

So you so think people should have to go through with pregnancies they don’t want? That's horrible.

That’s awful. All because the baby wasn’t the correct sex. How would their sons feel if they ever found about the termination or rather the reason for it.

I don't think I can be pro choice. But on the other hand women are entitled to do with their bodies how they see fit. But I so disapprove of the attitude shown by your friend.

No I’m not. Don’t try and patronize me. I’ve been on here almost 8 years so I’m very genuine. You can’t start throwing the Troll chestnut around just because I have different beliefs to you.

You people say you're 'pro life' but you're some of the most barbaric people on the planet tbh. Imagine wanting women forced to go through pregnancy to provide others with a child.

I’m pro choice but would struggle to remain friends with someone like that.

If you were pro life you’d be pro abortion, since some people’s lives are saved by having them.

Yes, ‘pro-life’ is a nastily weighted term. If you mean you’re anti-abortion, say so.

It was wrong of those two to involve you in this, especially given what you are going through.

It's a matter between the two of them. She's not the first woman to have a shock at suddenly being pregnant. I think she is foolish thinking she can easily get pregnant again at 37 at the drop of a hat but it is very much her choice.

To be fair, you can say the same about the phrase “pro choice” - without an explanation of the phrase I’m sure almost everyone would say they were pro people having choices!

Those that are fully anti abortion (I’m not so this isn’t my position) tend to say that making women continue unwanted pregnancies is awful, but better than killing what they believe is a baby. It’s not that they don’t want women to have a choice, just tat they think in this case there is something more important at stake. Taking it to an extreme, if we were talking about something everyone agrees is a baby - a healthy 40 week foetus or a newborn then most people would be horrified about terminating them. I don’t think abortion is anything like that in 99.9% of circumstances but for those that believe life begins at conception that is what we are talking about.

I really struggle to see people on almost any side of this debate as truly awful, it’s a case of balancing two rights, women’s freedom and health and a child’s right to life (again, I don’t think an embryo is a child but I can respect the opinions of those who do).

YABU.

people are allowed to change their minds. sometimes wanted situations become unwanted. sometimes the reality doesn't match the fantasy.

recognising you are not ready to be parent and taking the steps towards that are smart. No one should have a child unless they're ready and the child is deeply wanted.

So many childrens lives would be better off if people were more pragmatic about their daily reality rather than just the cutesy image of a baby with little outfits

I think being pro-choice and struggling with the reasons given at times is normal. To me, it is similar to free speech. I don't have to agree with what you say, but I agree with your right to say it.

100% pro choice, regardless of the reasons.

But I too would be judgey with someone who actively choose to be completely irresponsible with their contraception, which essentially is what this is.

I would be judging their irresponsibility at creating the pg, not their choice to terminate it.

You aren’t saying that she shouldn’t be allowed to choose. Judging is a different thing entirely.

Do you not think these supposed women who are using abortion as contraception are better off making that choice? Rather than becoming an unwanted parent, considering how irresponsible they must be?

Children shouldn't be viewed punishments for sex, yes the can be an outcome but people don't deserve the burden of a unwanted child just because they had sex.

I think more women who are perfectly stable have 'not just yet' abortions than we know.

My pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected, but neither I nor my boyfriend were using contraception (I'd got pregnant while being on the Pill and then had a miscarriage a year previously, stopped taking it then and never got back on.)

Abortion was mentioned by my mum and an older friend of mine, but I couldn't bear the thought of ending the tiny life inside me, it felt so real already. Then I found out I was further along than I thought I was and past the cut off point for the abortion pill and that was it.

I hate abortion being used as contraception, and as sex selection. I really wanted a girl, but got a boy instead. I will still love him! I did caveat that if I found out something was really wrong with him I'd have an abortion, but that would be a hard choice to make.

My church is mostly anti abortion, unless it's because the pregnancy was caused by rape, the mum is going to die or the baby won't survive. I have looser criteria, but years ago read about a woman who had had nine abortions and wondered why her doctors hadn't discussed contraception. I know accidents happen, but this was a decision OP's friend has made. Like people have said she was excited and happy about it and then did a 180° turn. I can't comprehend that attitude. I was excited for my first pregnancy and then I lost it, which probably colours my opinion quite a bit.

YANBU.

I'm also pro-choice with my own personal buts.

this is horrific and terrifying.

“My pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected, but neither I nor my boyfriend were using contraception”

I just don’t understand this, either you’re not able to understand the consequences of having unprotected sex or your baby was neither unplanned nor unexpected.

You can be pro-choice without having to like the choice

But the woman decided she didn't want a baby at that time... So it was the right choice. What's the point of having a baby that the mother doesn't want? The cells don't know or care why they're being terminated.