Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

Newname2345 · 2024-03-17T20:38:32+00:00

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds. He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough). AIBU to say no to this?

BirthdayRainbow · 17/03/2024 20:40

This is just a no. His baby, yes but breastfeeding is so important to mum and baby and it's cruel of him, plus rather thick, to think he can just take a baby away from his mum for hours and expect them to just take a bottle never mind one filled with different milk.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/03/2024 20:42

YANBU

Tell him what you are willing to offer and that if he wants anything else, he is welcome to go through the courts.

LizardOfOz · 17/03/2024 20:42

A day is too long for him to have the baby

Is he on the birth certificate?

AnguaResurgam · 17/03/2024 20:42

I think over the next few months your baby's feeding will change, with weaning. And that the odd bottle (of expressed milk or formula) will have no detriment either to your baby or to your supply.

You can't go straight to the contact he suggests. But it's entirely reasonable to work towards it in the expectation that it will be happening, entirely appropriately, fairly soon

Original poster

Newname2345 · 17/03/2024 20:46

LizardOfOz · 17/03/2024 20:42

A day is too long for him to have the baby

Is he on the birth certificate?

Yes he is

OP posts:

MrsTrue · 17/03/2024 20:48

It could also impact your supply and detail your breastfeeding journey completely. Sorry, big no from me.

I'd be wary of such long stints away from baby even of you were comfortable with formula during visits, particularly so suddenly. That amount of time away can also impact supply plus be a huge drain on you as pumping is SO hard. Building up gradually is a much better option.

Hoglet70 · 17/03/2024 20:48

Breastfeed that baby until it's ten!!!! What a knob.

ThePunchBowl · 17/03/2024 20:50

AnguaResurgam · 17/03/2024 20:42

I think over the next few months your baby's feeding will change, with weaning. And that the odd bottle (of expressed milk or formula) will have no detriment either to your baby or to your supply.

You can't go straight to the contact he suggests. But it's entirely reasonable to work towards it in the expectation that it will be happening, entirely appropriately, fairly soon

Actually the “odd bottle” can be detrimental to both baby and mum. Especially if it’s formula.

Singlemumto4k · 17/03/2024 20:50

1 whole day a week isn't asking too much at 5 months if anything a court could deem it not enough and are known to give fathers every other weekend from being young... fathers are encouraged to have contact to build a bond from birth

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2024 20:53

There's obviously nothing wrong with EBF if you want to, but for me... I'd have a serious think about this. Baby is 5 months, not a tiny newborn. Working towards having maybe 3-4 bottles a week (gradually working up to that, obviously) doesn't seem like a bad goal, both to give you a break and to gently coax baby away from being 100% dependent on you. Wouldn't it be nice for you to be able to leave baby with e.g. your mum for an afternoon to yourself? And the advice as regards introducing a bottle is always to get someone else (usually dad) to do the bottle feed. I don't think it's unreasonable for dad to want to spend longer periods with his child. What's your reason for refusing - is it an objection to formula itself, or do you not want dad to have more contact, or something else?

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2024 20:54

ThePunchBowl · 17/03/2024 20:50

Actually the “odd bottle” can be detrimental to both baby and mum. Especially if it’s formula.

Show quote history

How so?

Original poster

Newname2345 · 17/03/2024 20:55

Singlemumto4k · 17/03/2024 20:50

1 whole day a week isn't asking too much at 5 months if anything a court could deem it not enough and are known to give fathers every other weekend from being young... fathers are encouraged to have contact to build a bond from birth

Hes only spent a maximum of 1 hour with baby in the last 3 months in one go - is always late/brings baby back early. I have said I feel like it should be gradually increased over time rather than going from 1 hour to whole day?

OP posts:

HiCandles · 17/03/2024 20:57

Does the baby happily take a bottle? A lot don't especially as it sounds like you've never needed to try giving one before. I wonder if the ex really has no idea how often breastfed babies feed.
I'd be saying no but you're probably going to have to reach a compromise.
Can you get a decent pump like Spectra and start using it regularly to build up your supply to provide enough for a bottle?
At 5mo my son took average 150ml per bottle of expressed breastmilk.

Hankunamatata · 17/03/2024 20:57

I'd give him bottles of expressed milk and let him crack on if he is always late and brings baby back early. He won't last a day

DimLlaeth · 17/03/2024 20:58

He's a nob, keep feeding your baby. It's about what's best for the baby, not what's best for a father who hasn't spent more than an hour with his baby in 3 months.

TruthorDie · 17/03/2024 20:58

No, just no. He’s not in control of this. Plus he barely knows the baby; 1 hour in 3 months is literally nothing

101Nutella · 17/03/2024 20:59

EBF is a medical recommendation for those that can, until 12 months. If it suits you to continue then do that. He has lots of life left to bond with child and bf is a one off time. Just say no. But suggest how it could be possible eg joint visit so you can feed etc. take legal advice if you need but don’t doubt yourself.

MrsTrue · 17/03/2024 21:00

Newname2345 · 17/03/2024 20:55

Hes only spent a maximum of 1 hour with baby in the last 3 months in one go - is always late/brings baby back early. I have said I feel like it should be gradually increased over time rather than going from 1 hour to whole day?

Show quote history

Sounds like your instincts are spot on, I'd do exactly the same and gradually build up the time they spend together.

bossybloss · 17/03/2024 21:01

I mix fed my daughter from birth, despite not being keen at first . However it was the 90s and I know advice has changed.DC was fine and really bonded with her Dad.

Original poster

Newname2345 · 17/03/2024 21:02

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2024 20:53

There's obviously nothing wrong with EBF if you want to, but for me... I'd have a serious think about this. Baby is 5 months, not a tiny newborn. Working towards having maybe 3-4 bottles a week (gradually working up to that, obviously) doesn't seem like a bad goal, both to give you a break and to gently coax baby away from being 100% dependent on you. Wouldn't it be nice for you to be able to leave baby with e.g. your mum for an afternoon to yourself? And the advice as regards introducing a bottle is always to get someone else (usually dad) to do the bottle feed. I don't think it's unreasonable for dad to want to spend longer periods with his child. What's your reason for refusing - is it an objection to formula itself, or do you not want dad to have more contact, or something else?

I don’t feel really that I have a reason, I enjoy breastfeeding and the connection it gives us whilst knowing it’s the best thing for baby. Babe has had some medical problems that have required ambulances and hospital stays and want to ensure the best immunity and protection.
I have no desire to have any time off (at the moment - I’m sure in time this may change).

OP posts:

AlltheFs · 17/03/2024 21:02

Tell him to go via court.

DD was BF, exclusively from the breast until 26 months. Like fuck would I have deviated from that. I didn’t give a single bottle or any formula, that was a hard no. She had cows milk as well from 1 year and by then had far fewer breastfeeds but they were still important.

If DH and I had split then there’s no way he would have all day contact before 1 and no overnights until 2.

Littlebean13 · 17/03/2024 21:02

Singlemumto4k · 17/03/2024 20:50

1 whole day a week isn't asking too much at 5 months if anything a court could deem it not enough and are known to give fathers every other weekend from being young... fathers are encouraged to have contact to build a bond from birth

This is absolute bullshit. The baby is 5 months old and breastfed. It’s not in the child’s best interests to spend a whole day away from their mother. If anything it’s detrimental.
A court would absolutely not give a father every other weekend from that age, they need to be with their primary caregiver.
If he wants to build a bond with his child he should do so by following the perfectly fine access the op is willing to give, which he clearly doesn’t give a shit about as he’s being late/bringing baby back early.
Op stand your ground with what you are offering for now as it’s the best for baby. Once weaned and older, and providing dad is proving himself to be capable, then I’d start increasing/offering more contact. If he doesn’t like it let him take you to court.

anon2022anon · 17/03/2024 21:03

Why can't you work up to that now though? If you can express enough for 1 bottle then you can offer 4 hours, if not then I don't think it's unreasonable for the other parent to look for an alternative so they can see them for a chunk of time once or twice a week.

With the being late/ returning early, then the chances are high that they'll give up after 2 weeks anyway. And make sure you point out that they will need to purchase a steriliser/ bottles/ milk for their time too.

Mrstiggywinkel · 17/03/2024 21:05

How does he know your baby will take a bottle? Have you ever tried?

TesticularHeft · 17/03/2024 21:07

This is not about breastfeeding. He's an absolute prick from this small snippet who will not put the needs of your baby first.