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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

178 replies

Newname2345 · 17/03/2024 20:38

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds.

He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough).

AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
AnguaResurgam · 18/03/2024 09:26

Codlingmoths · 18/03/2024 09:22

There’s evidence that one bottle changes the infant gut bacteria, so I would happily stand by a decision to not introduce formula until also introducing food. I don’t think courts would dismiss this out of hand until baby is 6mo at least.
in this case however they willl look at the evidence, and hopefully say your coping threshold for parenting seems to be one hour, you can build that up in max one hour increases and come back when you’ve shown some actual commitment to seeing your baby.

Show quote history

The baby is 5 months old

Weaning will be starting in the next few weeks, at which point a phased extension of time with the father is entirely reasonable.

And by the time this reached court (if it came to that) then the baby would already be 6 months and it's very likely there would be a ruling in favour of the father.

ViaRia01 · 18/03/2024 09:26

Is he less of a parent than you are? At five months, I assume breastfeeding is well established for you and baby. Why would you not want dad to have time to bond, to learn to care for, to step up and be a dad?

I know he’s your ex and so maybe there are aspects of his personality that are far from perfect but if he is going to love baby and keep him safe, why would you say no?

I understand it may feel hard. But think about bigger picture and what is best for baby in the entire co-parenting experience.

Two happy parents (even if separated) = happy baby/ child.

Saymyname28 · 18/03/2024 09:27

"It's not about what you want. Its about what's best for our baby, she's 5 months old, breastfed and has only spent an hour with you at at any one time. You're notngoing straight to full days. You can start being ontime and keeping DD for a full 2 hours. Then you can build up to 4 hours. And we'll build it up until full days are appropriate."

CaramelMac · 18/03/2024 09:39

Why does he need to take the baby away from you, couldn’t he spend time with the baby somewhere where you can be in another room so he can be breastfed? I wouldn’t have liked my babies to be away from me at that age.

mumyes · 18/03/2024 09:40

No no no no no

Any man worth his salt would respect what you feel is best here & go at your speed.

What does her think women are, bloody incubators or something?! 🤦‍♀️ ffs

Beautiful3 · 18/03/2024 09:44

Could you express a couple of bottles for him to try?

Avatartar · 18/03/2024 09:44

My concern is her overall welfare, can he work a car seat/got one, changed a nappy, understand danger re her moving around, grabbing/choking, need for naps etc. has he learned or got help as to how to look after a baby, nevermind begin to feed her? Re the GF has she had kids or is she as new to it as he sounds. You obviously know more than we do, from what you’ve said re his attitude to feeding her and past behaviour- he needs to prove he’s responsible before I’d consider letting baby out of my sight with him

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/03/2024 09:44

ViaRia01 · 18/03/2024 09:26

Is he less of a parent than you are? At five months, I assume breastfeeding is well established for you and baby. Why would you not want dad to have time to bond, to learn to care for, to step up and be a dad?

I know he’s your ex and so maybe there are aspects of his personality that are far from perfect but if he is going to love baby and keep him safe, why would you say no?

I understand it may feel hard. But think about bigger picture and what is best for baby in the entire co-parenting experience.

Two happy parents (even if separated) = happy baby/ child.

He is definitely less of a parent. Read the posts. A decent parent does not try to remove an EBF baby from its mother to play happy families with his girlfriend. Absolutely bloody not.

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/03/2024 09:48

This. The anti- man brigade are out in force again. You can't use breastfeeding as a means to stop access, he will win in court. Be reasonable, introduce bottles whilst you feed so your child has a positive transition rather than possibly reject it and be upset when it's just dad. You have a legal responsibility to ensure dual parenting works, he has a right of access to his child. I think you need to consider reality of the courts rather than the hysteria of the anti men brigade. He's the legal and paternal father ffs

He will not "win" in court when the baby is five months old and EBF. Not anti-man, just facts. He wasn't interested in the baby when he was cheating on his pregnant partner. He was not interested in the baby when he cancelled multiple contacts at the last minute. He's only interested in the baby so he can play happy families with his girlfriend. A decent parent does not try to remove a tiny EBF baby from its source of food.

ViaRia01 · 18/03/2024 09:53

Not sure why I can’t edit my previous post. Basically … ignore what I said as I clearly didn’t read all OPs updates. If your supply is not well established and if ex is frequently late, you clearly can’t jump straight to full days and combi feeds just yet.

CecilyP · 18/03/2024 09:53

Is he less of a parent than you are? At five months, I assume breastfeeding is well established for you and baby. Why would you not want dad to have time to bond, to learn to care for, to step up and be a dad?

Well obviously he is less of a parent. He’s proved that by not being able to spend an entire hour with his DC, arriving late for contact and cancelling agreed contract at short notice. He’s also refused OPs offer of regular 2 hour contract.Seems unlikely that he will be the one doing the caring if he did he get all day contact.

OneMoreTime23 · 18/03/2024 09:55

AnguaResurgam · 18/03/2024 09:26

The baby is 5 months old

Weaning will be starting in the next few weeks, at which point a phased extension of time with the father is entirely reasonable.

And by the time this reached court (if it came to that) then the baby would already be 6 months and it's very likely there would be a ruling in favour of the father.

Show quote history

Where do you get this absolute bollocks from?

Weaning babies are not less reliant on BF, FFS.

Tiredalwaystired · 18/03/2024 09:55

Has baby even ever taken a bottle successfully? I remember trying to encourage my then five month old to take a bottle of expressed milk so I could go to a wedding and it was an utter failure.

mumyes · 18/03/2024 09:57

CecilyP · 18/03/2024 09:53

Is he less of a parent than you are? At five months, I assume breastfeeding is well established for you and baby. Why would you not want dad to have time to bond, to learn to care for, to step up and be a dad?

Well obviously he is less of a parent. He’s proved that by not being able to spend an entire hour with his DC, arriving late for contact and cancelling agreed contract at short notice. He’s also refused OPs offer of regular 2 hour contract.Seems unlikely that he will be the one doing the caring if he did he get all day contact.

Well said.

This is not anti men it's the factual reality.

Sasqwatch · 18/03/2024 10:02

AnguaResurgam · 17/03/2024 20:42

I think over the next few months your baby's feeding will change, with weaning. And that the odd bottle (of expressed milk or formula) will have no detriment either to your baby or to your supply.

You can't go straight to the contact he suggests. But it's entirely reasonable to work towards it in the expectation that it will be happening, entirely appropriately, fairly soon

Terrible advice, ignore @AnguaResurgam

Morred · 18/03/2024 10:06

What might a dad be doing with an EBF baby if he was still with the baby’s mum? Make a list and then try to do a schedule where he can do some of those things. My guess is he’ll not actually want to do any of this… but you’ll have tried and can then demonstrate to whoever necessary that you really did try to facilitate the father-baby bond.

For instance, he could:

  • put baby down for nap / take baby for nap in the pram while you sleep
  • play with baby for an hour or so between feeds
  • take baby to a baby class or library session (some of these run on weekends if he has a Mon-Fri 9-5 job)
  • take baby for walk to the park/swings/feed the ducks
  • put baby clothes in for a wash (/ hang baby clothes up to dry / fold baby clothes and put them all away)
  • start reading up on weaning and freezing some batch-cooked weaning foods (purées or finger food)
Fixerupper77 · 18/03/2024 10:29

Fucking typical. Once again its about a man wanting the power rather than considering whats right for the child. He just wants to win, he doesnt actually give a fuck about the feeding issue.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 18/03/2024 10:30

You can't use breastfeeding as a means to stop access, he will win in court

I made it very clear to the CAFCASS officer dealing with mine and my ex's case that breastfeeding is recommended by the WHO for 2 years. She didn't take it any further. My ex was granted overnight access at 13 months and no sooner - and it would have been longer if it wasn't for the fact that we had two older children.

Readytoevolve · 18/03/2024 10:33

if the dad wasn’t demonstrating lack of commitment I would be very much in the, camp of, every dad is entitled to time with his child, regardless of how they are fed.
Those early months are so important for a child and parent to establish a relationship. I don’t think breastfeeding is a valid excuse to prevent this, it sounds like an excuse to stop it, which tbh, is not very long term thinking.
However, given he hasn’t been at all reliable, I can see OP’s reluctance. It might be good to build up over time, and it’s important for the child that the OP facilitates it.

The child will grow up and one day ask questions and the excuse of being breast fed being the reason for preventing a relationship with a dad is not going to go down well.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 18/03/2024 10:55

Readytoevolve · 18/03/2024 10:33

if the dad wasn’t demonstrating lack of commitment I would be very much in the, camp of, every dad is entitled to time with his child, regardless of how they are fed.
Those early months are so important for a child and parent to establish a relationship. I don’t think breastfeeding is a valid excuse to prevent this, it sounds like an excuse to stop it, which tbh, is not very long term thinking.
However, given he hasn’t been at all reliable, I can see OP’s reluctance. It might be good to build up over time, and it’s important for the child that the OP facilitates it.

The child will grow up and one day ask questions and the excuse of being breast fed being the reason for preventing a relationship with a dad is not going to go down well.

Edited

This is garbage. The father isn't "entitled" to anything. He has a responsibility to his child. And that responsibility includes ensuring that the child's best interests are met. Which involves not interfering with how the child is fed in the manner that is best for him. In this case, that is breastfeeding - breastfeeding isn't an "excuse" for the baby not to be away from his mother for a full day, it's a perfectly valid reason, and one that any court will fully support.

The OP has been more than reasonable in her offers for contact, my god, the excuse for a man cheated on her while pg and left her for the OW and she was mature and magnanimous enough to offer him to stay overnight in her spare room so he could spend time with his son, but no, that wasn't on his terms and he refused so he's clearly not all that bothered about spending time with or being there for the baby.

OP, stick to what you have offered and if he's not happy with it he can take you to court for the judge to award him the same, or possibly, given his sporadic contact so far, even less. I might even be tempted to offer contact only with you in another room because he has told you Hmm that he WILL be giving baby formula and I'm not sure if I'd want to take the chance that he wouldn't just do it anyway to spite you. You've tried your hardest, and are doing the right thing. Take care and have courage in your decisions, you are making them in the best interests of your baby. At least he has one parent who is. Flowers

Bearbookagainandagain · 18/03/2024 11:06

If you are struggling to express already and want to continue breastfeeding then I wouldn't recommend him doing whole days as you are taking the risk to drop/lose your milk.

Although I don't disagree with him in theory and would normally support increased contact to build the relationship.

My experience is that when I started expressing rather than feeding directly around 6 months, my milk decreased progressively to the point that I stopped breastfeeding altogether 8 weeks later. That was with 2 top notch breast pumps etc, but I just didn't make a lot of milk in the first place so trying to maintain it with expressions was taking a lot of effort (e.g. I would have had to express twice as much as I was breastfeeding at that point).

NoCloudsAllowed · 18/03/2024 11:09

ViaRia01 · 18/03/2024 09:26

Is he less of a parent than you are? At five months, I assume breastfeeding is well established for you and baby. Why would you not want dad to have time to bond, to learn to care for, to step up and be a dad?

I know he’s your ex and so maybe there are aspects of his personality that are far from perfect but if he is going to love baby and keep him safe, why would you say no?

I understand it may feel hard. But think about bigger picture and what is best for baby in the entire co-parenting experience.

Two happy parents (even if separated) = happy baby/ child.

Of course he's less of a parent, OP said he's barely bothered seeing the baby in the last 3 months. And that she suspects he wants to do bottle feeding so his mum can take care of the baby.

The bigger picture is that you need to start as you go on - acting in the best interests of your child, not letting a twatty ex call the shots because he has a whim to take the baby for longer when he hasn't bothered for ages.

If he'd got a track record of being a regular, committed caregiver it might be different, but he's trying to call the shots despite being a shit father so far (even without taking the cheating on a pregnant woman into account).

Jamesblema · 18/03/2024 11:19

He sounds awful and you have my sympathies! As others have said, weaning will begin soon and things will get easier for handing her over.

My babies were EBF. When trying to gear up for leaving her at the childminders at 9mo I tried to introduce formula about 7mo. She downed one bottle but refused to have any again. Not only that but she refused bottles entirely after that (even though she had happily had expressed milk from a bottle previously).

I also had issues with expressing. My recommendation is one of those Hakka suction pumps. It sort of sucks onto one nipple while the baby is feeding from the other. I only got a little each time but could build it up into entire feeds and then freeze them. The issue is that you need to be able to have both boobs out and a fridge nearby so not great for breastfeeding on the go! But I got in a habit of using the pump for every feed at home and soon built up a supply.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/03/2024 11:25

Shame you put him on the birth certificate.
A day away is too long for a young baby. Ex is being selfish and not putting the well being of the baby first.
Remind him it is not a doll and either he does this your way or he won't be having the baby alone at all.

Original poster
Newname2345 · 18/03/2024 11:28

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/03/2024 11:25

Shame you put him on the birth certificate.
A day away is too long for a young baby. Ex is being selfish and not putting the well being of the baby first.
Remind him it is not a doll and either he does this your way or he won't be having the baby alone at all.

Unfortunately we are married (not for much longer) so had no choice about birth certificate

OP posts: