Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

[Newname2345]

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds.

He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough).

AIBU to say no to this?

Thanks, I do have a Hakka but again seem to only collect a few ml when I’ve used this and also have a very active bub who’s into grabbing everything now so will have to give it another go but not sure it’ll stay on with little hands/legs wriggling around 😂

Same with my 4.5 mo when going in for a medical procedure and thankfully double checked with the doctor who said it was actually fine for me to nurse so didn’t need it after all.

DD not only refused the bottle but raised her tiny little eyebrows at me and looked quite cross. I felt scolded. 😂

Better than her older brother DS2 who took the nipple in for a second, blinked, smacked his lips and spat it out (imagine Stewie from Family Guy when Peter tried to breastfeed him). Neither of them liked soothers/pacifiers and DS2 never took a bottle but went to a sippy cup that he picked up on his own.

I’m not using it to stop them building a relationship - but he hasn’t even spent longer than an hour, so although I agree it would be reasonable to build up time - IMO it should be done gradually whilst respecting our child’s feeding method.

I’ve offered this - he says he doesn’t want to come here as it’s not a pleasant situation to be in. My assumption (could well be wrong) is that his new partner has an issue with it.

I have thought that this might be the case

He's putting his own wants before his child's needs. I'm sure you don't want to be up every 3-4 hours in the night and restricted to going places but it's what's best for your child.

I’m not using it as a means to stop access. I’ve tried to encourage access from the start, offering 4x weekly times around feeds/naps and his work schedule. He cancels, is late, brings baby back early. Introducing bottles/formula would create more work for me (making up feeds, washing, sterilising), an added cost that I actually cannot afford as he isn’t paying full child maintenance - this is another issue and Ive applied to CMS for an accurate calculation and is not the best thing for our child (I am not anti formula AT all).

I am surprised how many here are telling you that you must introduce a bottle. If you are happy breastfeeding and this is what works for you and baby, I'd say stick with it. Sounds like he's had a host of options to see his child and has failed to take you up on them and now wants you to choose a less good option for you and most importantly your child. I would recommend you get some legal advice on your rights here, anecdotally I think the position is that a breastfed baby stays with mum, but get proper legal advice so you know where you stand. And document everything!

YANBU. It’s about what’s best for baby not what’s best for him/his mum. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable to keep the time short and fit it around feeds. He, on the other hand, is being selfish and thoughtless.

Working towards having maybe 3-4 bottles a week (gradually working up to that, obviously) doesn't seem like a bad goal, both to give you a break and to gently coax baby away from being 100% dependent on you. Wouldn't it be nice for you to be able to leave baby with e.g. your mum for an afternoon to yourself?

Yawn 🙄 More silly comments about breastfeeding. So predictable and tedious. Babies don’t need formula milk. It’s perfectly possible and totally normal for a baby to never have even a mouthful of formula. The breastfeeding gradually reduces in frequency so it’s, again, perfectly possible to leave baby with your mum if you need to. No need for formula.

Keep feeding your baby. You are doing a great job...
At 6 months baby can start weening on to solids. Formula does not need to be part of his diet at all.
Maybe ex can be involved in weening.

I don’t think how your child is fed should be a barrier to contact, as shit as it is that he would not feed your little one in the way you’d like. I do think though you shouldn’t be considering longer contact until he shows himself to be a consistent reliable parent. I also agree contact should be built up and not jump up dramatically, as your baby needs time to adjust and it should be about their needs, not their father’s needs.

My ex left when ny EBF baby was 4 months. I wanted to promote contact and their relationship and also wanted to continue to EBF. It was stressful and hard work because the baby wasn't keen on bottles (or cups or anything else) and keeping up with expressing was hard. I was fortunate that I produced loads of milk, but sometimes I'd just run out, and I remember getting up in the night to express so she could go with her dad the next day! I didn't want him to say I was trying to stop contact over breastfeeding.

It got easier when she dropped a feed around 11pm and I'd express it to keep the supply up. She carried on breastfeeding for a really long time, and it was really helpful for comfort and attachment after she'd been away.

@Newname2345 I know it's hard but don't worry. A EBF baby is unlikely to take a bottle of anything after 5 months especially the first time (took my eldest months to accept a bottle of expressed milk when we tried to introduce at 2.5 months and would only take 1-2oz max until she was more comfortable ie not enough to sustain her for the day, my Jan 24 baby had expressed milk introduced at 3 weeks and she isn't a fan. Still prefers it straight from the source).

Suggest to him he stays local and attempt to offer a bottle. The tears/drama/stress of bottle feeding will help him change his mind.

Good luck

YANBU. The odd bottle of formula can absolutely be detrimental to a feeding journey & it’s not his choice. He can have an opinion, but it isn’t his choice. Until 12 months milk is the main source of nutrition - why doesn’t he wait until baby is weaning onto solid foods and extend the contact hours there? It seems a huge lack of knowledge on his part on the importance of breastfeeding - there can absolutely be a place for formula in any feeding journey, but if you want to breastfeed and continue to do so, he needs to respect this decision and support you.

This.

Anyone who has tried to introduce a bottle for the first time to a baby this age will know. It is not simply a case of switching from one mode of feeding to the other. My first absolutely refused a bottle in spite of multiple attempts. Had this been part of your ex’s plan, they should have instigated it much before now.

I agree. It is very clear that everyone who voted that the OP is being unreasonable has never breastfed a baby and has no idea.

He sounds like my ex who I also split from when pregnant. I am going through hell from his lawyers since he turned one so that must be a relevant time for lawyers to start.

My advice - please don't extent the time he has him before you and baby are ready a this becomes a 'status quo' that you can't get back from if it's not working for baby. Don't agree in writing to anything eg 'an overnight when baby is 18m' as you have no idea if you or baby will be ready.

Short and regular outings at this age are best practice - 2 x a week max for your wellbeing or 3 x if you can handle it, but chances are he'll try to extend those 3x , offer him a selection of times.

I would talk to a lawyer now

Ps you can talk to a local authority free breastfeeding consultant or health visitor about the benefits of breastfeeding vs formula and the impact of mixing in formula - ask them to follow up the convo in writing

I think she needs to be careful though as she wants to stay out of court, saying something like we will gradually process to that when he's ready is better than a hard no not not it's my baby

Why should a baby have less than ideal food.

Op could you go along out with them, eg if at a soft play or a baby group or park you play on your phone until baby needs a feed and then they come and find you? If you feel ok around him. Thats what I did.

This is a nice model of gradually increasing at baby's pace
https://www.familieslink.co.uk/pages/courtreportersscafcasschilddcontact.htm#:~:text=Three%20to%20five%20years%3A%20As,ends%2C%20initially%20once%20a%20month

No I think op should ask him to write a list of the equipment he plans to get baby before doing a home visit. Let him do some thinking then she can add to it

Op needs in writing him refusing to provide xy and z... Especially things like age /weight appropriate car seat /buggy etc...
Highly doubtful he will agree to purchase anything imo.

YANBU.

Exclusive breastfeeding is best for the baby. I wouldn't trust someone who said they can feed the baby how they want to spend any time unsupervised and I would bring that up in court. Agree with pp that any bottle feeding could disrupt your supply and feeding pattern.

You do not have to express breastmilk if you don't want to either, other people cannot dictate this to you.

I say no until at least 6 months