Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

[Newname2345]

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds.

He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough).

AIBU to say no to this?

Well I think you have bent over backwards OP, offering to let your ex stay the night. It shows that you are trying to accommodate your child's best interests (having a bond with both parents).

Breastfeeding is better for the child (and he is used to it and may not accept formula.) By saying he wants to give the child formula, your ex is thinking primarily of his interests and not the child's.

I would never consent to moving from breastmilk to formula to suit an adult. It can be very hard to get a baby to take it for a start. My baby is 15 months and will take only my milk, only from a boob. No bottles, no cups, no milk that is not mine from source.

And I EBF all three of mine in the 90's as that was the advice at the time. All three bonded really well with their dad. It wasn't impacted by me feeding until 9 months for no. 1, 12 months for no. 2 and 24 months for no. 3.

Let him take you to court.

Hard no OP. He's thinking of himself and not what is best for his child.

Tell him to fuck off. Baby is too young

Do you think he even actually wants to have the baby for a whole day? It really doesn't sound like he does.
Will it even be him doing the caring or is he planning on handing over to his new partner or his mum?

Not sure I agree with using breastfeeding to stop a father building a relationship with their child. Longer contact than 2 hours is entirely reasonable.

I've got an 18 week old baby and I'm separated from her father.

He has seen her weekly from 10 weeks with me present... contact has built up. During this time he has proved that he is serious about being her father and has stepped up. I also know that if I was feeding her myself he would be respectful of that. In two weeks time this will be the first time that they will spend some time alone together.

I have known from the beginning that my daughter has the right to a relationship with her father and his family. But I also know that the arrangements and plans for that to happen need to suit everyone: including me. If I don't look after myself, my mental health and my wellbeing then I won't be able to look after my little girl.

5 months is still so young - I'm still finding my feet and establishing a routine. I have introduced a bottle because of my diminishing milk supply so the feeding side of things are taken care of. If you're not ready to do that and feel worried about your baby getting sick then keep things as they are. Let your ex throw some hot air.... but baby and mumma come first.

I can tell you now, if my ex behaved like yours, I would not be accommodating his demands.

No way. You shouldn't interrupt what is best for your baby to suit him. The fact he is asking is concerning tbh as indicates he has no clue. Regular shorter contact sounds fine.

I fully expect he will be using his mum to provide care and think this may be where the request for a whole day has stemmed from.

Using it? Dont be daft. Clearly you aren't speaking from any experience.

He would have a terrible day anyway, as the baby would not feed and would s real all day. He'll just have to wait.

Thanks for explaining your situation. Contact in our situation has gone down as opposed to increase due to him cancelling, being late, arriving back early. I’m very envious of yours, all I wanted was to have an amicable Co parenting relationship and sadly it’s far from it.

It does make sense for your baby to be happy with bottle feeding - ideally your breast milk. If you had to go to hospital for a reason and anyone (not just your ex) needed to feed your baby, then the use of a bottle is sensible and it would be better for your baby to be happy to be fed from a bottle as well as your breast.

hopefully your professional help will increase your supply for expressing but I can see it’s not easy.

Send him a detailed list of equipment he will need going forward for when he has dc. Make a list of daily necessities. Include steriliser and bottles. Advise him you will let him know when dc is ready for mixed feeding and longer contact... You will gauge a good idea if he is serious about longer spells of parenting if he agrees to go out shopping or kicks off.. Keep all texts etc..

That sounds tough, @Snugglemonkey . Keep persevering -is it just milk that they won’t drink, or all liquids? It might be easier to give them water in a bottle or cup to help them get used to it.
Sorry, going slightly off-topic here!

He is a dick. Say no he isnt using the contact he has now. I also think he will be planning on palming the baby off on another woman. He clesrly isnt interested.

but fyi you can buy milk catches to cover the nipple you are no feeding from. They catch the milk that comes out the wrong side during a breast feed. Put those in ice cube trays and youll create an effortless bottle in no time.

The baby's needs should come first. It is clear that this man knows nothing about breast feeding or the emotional needs of the baby, and cares less.
He is putting his wants and his desire to control above what is best for the baby.
If he had bothered to educate himself at all, he would know that frequent, short visits to bond with the baby is the right way to go and he could have been doing this since day one.
Breast feeding is about so much more than nutrition.
If he can't even be bothered to spend the short periods of time with the baby, it seems he will just leave the child with his mum, which puts a different slant on all of this.

Rubbish. Courts will always put the baby first. He can spend more time with the baby - if he wants - in short bursts. It makes no sense to take a baby away from his primary carer for a whole day and for her to lose her milk in the process.

This is totally irrelevant. The mum wants to totally breastfeed and that should be respected.

Just milk. She will happily drink water from cups or from a wee bottle with a straw. I have tried warming milk. I have tried my milk, cows milk, oat milk. She just won't accept milk that is not direct from my boob.

Absolutely not true. My BIL wasn’t awarded whole days with his breastfed son until he was 1 and no overnights until he was 2. That was 6 years ago.

Same for my sister a little over 2 years ago.

No judge is going to award this for a breastfed baby under 1.

Do you know what your BIL/sister were awarded prior to one? Just out of interest as I want to ensure that I am offering appropriate contact time. Thank you

I’m on OP’s side here. If baby is EFB and can’t express enough to accommodate more time with father than that’s just that. He’ll need to wait until established weaning onto solids and milk has reduced enough to not be their primary source of nutrition.

but what you’ve said is complete misinformation. Don’t have any idea what ‘virgin gut’ actually is? Or are you just a formula shamer than sheepishly echos other people misinformation? I suggest you look up what leaky gut is and the fact it is something that is closed mostly by 1 week post birth, definitely by 30 days post birth. Your misinformation is what shames and confuses mothers who cannot, or even don’t want to breastfeed.

and fwiw, I’ve done both.

Courts really don't regularly give every other weekend contact for 5 month old breastfed babies.