Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

[Newname2345]

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds.

He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough).

AIBU to say no to this?

He arrives late, and returns the baby early. Make sure you keep a diary of that along with copies of his texts, excuses for being late, etc.

I expect he's one of those fathers who expects you to provide nappies, wipes, spare clothes, and so on, for his contact with the child?

I'm sure you'll also be expected to provide the bottles, steriliser and formula too.

Tell him to fuck off, he can take you to court.

There’s nothing wrong with EBF and very much right with it. I definitely would not have introduced formula at that age. I didn’t want to have an afternooon to myself while my baby was with someone else, and I would have had to pump anyway. I didn’t want to use formula. The advice is to breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months and then keep breastfeeding alongside solids up to 2 years and longer if wanted. (I know not everyone can or wants to but if that is the mother’s wish then it should be respected). I wouldn’t express for my DC’s wonderful father so no way would I for what sounds like a deadbeat dad with not much interest in the baby going by OP’s account of his behaviour so far.

OP offer contact with you until a proper relationship has been established. Your ex will be able to feed your baby some solids soon enough, alongside breastfeeds.

I can only express 5mls at a time - have been trying to increase supply (with professional support) over last month to try to get enough so he can give a bottle of expressed milk but would take a few days to get enough for one feed and as a single parent I just don’t have the time to express so frequently every day

I completely agree that the contact time needs to be gradually increased, especially if he’s only spent a hour at per visit with the baby so far.

Perhaps suggest a full two hours per visit for the next few weeks and then consider gradually increasing as you start introducing finger foods and whole milk perhaps? Is the current guidance still 12 months to start introducing a little whole milk (I have teenagers and it was back then)?

Developing close bonds with both parents is also recommended for those that can. A child’s emotional development is equally as important as the food they are fed. There is no substitute for the relationship between a child and their parents but there IS a substitute for breast milk, ie formula, that millions of babies have been raised on worldwide with a great deal of success.

This 100%

I didn't realise before having my own DC how painful engorgement and mastitis can be.

Some women can't express milk, or don't want to (it sucks tbf).

Your baby relies on you for comfort as much as nourishment, it would be really cruel to leave him/her for a whole day without a good long build up.

Your ex can wait till feeds are less frequent - the baby's needs come first.

Fair enough, if you don't want to you don't want to. Your update also changes things (about bringing baby back early) - I can see why you're uneasy. If he's serious, could you offer to give your ex longer periods of contact with you there, even in another room maybe, so you can step in to feed when needed? If you can stand him of course 😆

He should go to court.
in the end you can’t trust that he won’t introduce formula now.
Formula will destroy your baby‘s virgin gut.
Stick to your guns!!!

Yes, but it’s best for baby if one of their parents isn’t a selfish idiot . This bloke clearly is. His baby’s needs come first - he’s hardly ever had him - he can’t just take him off for the day because he wants to.

I formula fed mine - breast feeding is not the only issue here. It’s the fact that he wants to jump straight to all day long. Baby might well be very distressed by this. He needs to work with OP to build up gradually.

We decided to start giving a bottle at 6 months and it took about 6 weeks before he would reliably take a bottle from his dad, who he was with every day. Your ex is a knob if he cant see a gradual build up is better.

You’re breastfeeding. He needs to be patient until baby is older and not exclusively

Absolutely not. What a awful man, no wonder he's an ex. Do not - and I cannot emphasise this enough - let him interfere with your breastfeeding.

Anyone willing to interfere with an EBF baby does not have the child's interests at heart; only their own.

You're very wrong. Not at 5 months old and certainly not while breastfed.

Some of these responses are nuts. The baby is 5 months old. No court is going to grant the dad of an ebf baby a full day a week in contact. I wouldn’t even entertain the discussion, just get him to go through the court. He is clearly trying to spite you and doesn’t have baby’s best interests at heart. Feeding aside, if he did he wouldn’t be suggested moving from one hour to a full day of contact.

Agreed.

I don't think he's an awful man, he's a dad wanting to see his baby. He may only spend one hour because your baby is totally dependent on you for food and maybe won't settle for him.
Your baby is his baby too and I think it's important to have a relationship, from early on, with both parents.
I would suggest building up contact, slowly. And as you cannot express, the odd bottle of formula will cause absolutely no harm at all.
You say you don't want an afternoon to yourself, but this isn't about you, it's about your baby and having a relationship with both parents is important too.
Congratulations on feeding your baby though, it's not an easy thing to do.

Could you move back on together until baby is older?

Not if a baby is exclusively bf they won't. At 1 + years things look different.

I completely agree and have tried to encourage a relationship from the start. He cancels frequently at short notice (10 mins usually) with different excuses, sometimes no excuse, so not sure it’s because baby won’t settle for him. I just want to do the best thing for our child and do understand that is having a good relationship with both parents but also feel that BF is recommended until 12mo and this is my goal.

If he's had no contact, I wouldn't allow him to spend time with the baby without me anyway. Start with half an hour and he can show he's capable. He'll drink less milk eventually and when he's proven he can spend time with baby and commit, he can spend more time with baby. Let him bottle feed and spend the whole day with him: no way! Xxx

He’s now living with new partner (OW) after a very messy break up so this isn’t an option. I did offer when baby was little for him to stay overnight in spare room etc but he didn’t want to and since his relationship has progressed the time he spends with baby has reduced.

When my breastfed baby was five months old my father had a stroke and I had to spend 12 hours in A&E with him. My baby was cared for by my husband and whilst no one told me at the time (I was stressed enough) he apparently screamed almost continuously for ten hours before finally taking a bottle.

So no this is not a good idea. From six months your baby will start eating different foods and eventually learn to drink from cup and then it will be an appropriate moment for your ex to look after him for a longer time period.

Hilarious. Nothing wrong with however baby is fed - boob, formula, expressed. But you've chosen to EBF. So he doesn't get to have the whole day. Not a court in the land which would grant this idiocy at five months.

Not with an exclusively breast fed baby of that age.

Family court would absolutely not grant full day contact to a Dad who has had a child for a max of an hour and when the baby is so young and EBF. They would likely recommend a stepped contact arrangement with a gentle and gradual increase in line with child's development. Stick to your guns and advise him to go to court if unhappy, by the sounds of him it sounds very unlikely he will.