Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

[Newname2345]

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds.

He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough).

AIBU to say no to this?

Have you kept records of all the cancelled contacts and screenshots of his messages?

Yes I have, and have ring doorbell videos of the times of him coming/returning baby to show the length of contact time he’s been having

This.

Formula is an alternative for when the mother can not breastfeed. It stops babies from starving to death, but it is no where near as good as breast milk. This baby has a mother who is willing and able to breast feed him. The fact that his father left before he was born should not prevent him from getting the very best nutrition that is available to him.

This father is already proving that he will put his own wishes and desires above what is best for his baby. OP is not trying to prevent contact between her son and his father, she is just trying to meet his needs as well as she possibly can. If the father really cared about his baby he would have him for every second of the time available and have lots of short contact visits.

😂

I think something like this needs building up to. Nothing wrong with Dad wanting his child for a whole day, certainly it should be encouraged. But it has to be on a timetable that works for baby.

Building up time slowly, baby will start eating food shortly so will not need to breastfeed as much anyway so that will be easier when stretching time spent with Dad. But Dad needs to be consistent and more understanding of baby's needs, not just his own.

Re expressing - I could only express if I fed at the same time. So baby on one side and the pump on the other simultaneously. Electric pumps are usually better as well. Worth a try.

Do what is best for baby, not ex.
even family court will not go from one hour to a whole day like that. It would be a gradual build up.he is delusional and stamping his feet, just say no. Let him go to court if he likes - solicitor bills are very expensive.

I wouldn’t do it, I left my first baby at 8 months with family for a day while I went to a wedding. They were all fine, no tears, dc was happy with a bottle of formula. I expressed at the wedding, but after that day my dc wasn’t interested in breastfeeding as the bottle was much less effort and that was the end of that.

it wasn’t the end of the world, but if I had known going into it, I would have worked out another plan.

I wouldn’t go with this plan for that reason, never mind that your ex bfs personal failings. That’s another reason altogether!

I think he likes the idea of having the baby for the whole day. But the reality of a breastfed baby around the 5 month mark who has never had a bottle suddenly being happy to a/take a bottle and B/settle easily without their mother who has been the main carer 99% of the time is fairly unlikely. This request is a show for his mam or his new lady that he's 'dad of the year'.

If he really was interested in bonding with his baby or being an involved dad then he would have spent the last 5 months being there doing the hard work, he would have done the research into breastfeeding and the benefits for his baby and wouldn't be making this stupid suggestion. Not in any way villianising formula, I'm a big fan and used it with my own when circumstances changed...but there was definitely a process on going from BF to cup fed formula...bottles were an absolute refusal from him.

Yes, I thought his mum at first till OP mentioned the new partner! He can’t even manage full hour on his own, so the plan for the day would seem to be to take the baby home for the partner to look after.

The answer is no, he doesn't get to decide that. The law is on your side. If you had a custody hearing the judge would back you.

He sounds feckless and useless and unreliable.

Don't change how you feed your baby to suit a man who spends an hour here or there with his child, when he can be bothered.

This post is nuts.

Anyway, my main concern op is that you should be able to maintain/reduce/control your breastmilk supply on your own terms, in a way that won’t increase your risk of getting mastitis.

Nephew was about 8 months when BIL and SIL split. BIL got 2 hour slots 3 times a week increasing to half days by the time nephew was about 1. Full days by 15 months (10am-6pm) and overnights from 2 (because SIL told the judge he basically breastfed all night). Now one night a week and every other weekend, although BIL has been given emergency custody for extended spells when ex-SIL has fallen off the wagon.

Sister wasn’t with her son’s dad when he was born. Lockdown messed with things a bit but dad took her to court demanding weekends at about 6 months and the judge laughed at him. He was free to visit whenever he wanted but didn’t bother more than once a month, blaming his shifts. Judge ordered him to video call twice a week at set times and he couldn’t even do that.

He broke about 5 court orders then went for weekends again when nephew was about 20 months. He was at the start of ASD assessment and dad blamed my sister for it. Judge had none of it and said he had had over a year to prove himself and hadn’t. And went back to the video call arrangement. He again didn’t bother, got a new girlfriend and eventually took the option to rescind his parental responsibility completely. Tosser.

This.

Not all breast fed babies will take a bottle, so it might not work in the way he is imagining.

Sounds like it may be his mother who would like baby for a day…
he wants baby for the day…. Come to yours for the day and he can do everything bar feeding… he will soon show his true colours.

I also have a 5 month old breastfed baby, who I haven’t left with DH for more than 2
hours and she seems him every day, so absolutely understand your feelings!

We've been trying since Christmas and only just started getting her to take one small bottle of expressed milk a day, so it may not be as simple as him just giving the baby formula. This definitely shouldn’t just be done to please his mother either, no one should have to agree to letting their MIL give their EBF baby formula

Agree with PPs that no judge would award weekends at this stage. As long as youre allowing the time between feeds, and maybe him to spend a bit longer if you’re around to feed, I don’t think anyone could argue you’re not facilitating a relationship

YANBU

I think he needs to make the most of the regular short contact time (also better for baby than to suddenly have a whole day with an unfamiliar person and their primary caregiver isn't there).

Good point. Actually sounds more likely to be your ex-mother-in-law in the background pushing for this than him, from what you've said of his parenting so far.

The fuck? He won’t take baby for more than an hour ever but suddenly requests full days (Is his gf or mum the one who will look after baby?) is often late or cancels completely at the last minute and you think maybe the op should … move him back in to help Mr useless acclimatise to a baby? Should she be doing his washing and cooking for him while he lives in her house to help free up his time to concentrate on getting to know his baby too,in this plan of yours?

There’s evidence that one bottle changes the infant gut bacteria, so I would happily stand by a decision to not introduce formula until also introducing food. I don’t think courts would dismiss this out of hand until baby is 6mo at least.
in this case however they willl look at the evidence, and hopefully say your coping threshold for parenting seems to be one hour, you can build that up in max one hour increases and come back when you’ve shown some actual commitment to seeing your baby.

@Soontobe60 actually there are many substitutes for both parents when either of those parents are selfish and don't place their child at the centre of their lives, as this man seems to be doing. It is well documented. Have a look at Attachment Theory for starters.😀

i can't imagine anything worse than having to try and get a baby who doesn't want a bottle, to try and take a bottle to appease a parent who currently doesn't actually want to see the baby unless it's on his own terms.

Parents don’t have “rights”. They have responsibilities.

Your post is utter bollocks.