Ex wants to give formula to breastfed baby

[Newname2345]

Split with ex before baby was born, now 5mo. He has now said he wants contact for a whole day despite being breastfed. I’ve explained he feeds regularly still so offer frequent contact (x4 weekly) of 2 hours around feeds.

He has said that it’s my choice to breastfeed and he can feed how he likes during his time, which will be a bottle of formula (I can’t express enough).

AIBU to say no to this?

Introducing bottles/formula would create more work for me (making up feeds, washing, sterilising), an added cost that I actually cannot afford as he isn’t paying full child maintenance

This may be the solution. Tell him that you’ll consider it if he purchases a steamer, bottles and formula and commits to organising the formula feeds himself as you don’t need the kit due to bf and you can’t afford to provide it. I doubt he’ll mention in again.

Suggest he brings all the bottle feeding paraphernalia to your house. He can try and get dc to take a bottle if he thinks it will be easy..tell him when dc happily takes one you can move on to longer times away from your dc. Bet he won't even turn up.

What evidence? Do you have a link please? (And not kellysmom, but a scientific journal).

Baby is also going to be eating food in the next few weeks, so even if what you say is true (win I don't believe for a moment, as it sounds like pure scaremongering) its of no relevance here.

I think you are both being a little bit unreasonable if I'm honest.

Baby is pretty much at weaning age now, so I think this is a good age to think about increasing contact length, as there's more flexibility about what baby can take. Given pretty much all food will shortly be 'ok', I don't think there's much of a problem with trying to introduce a few bottles as well. Whether baby takes it is another matter.

It's not a few D's days or weeks into breastfeeding, so missing one feed is unlikely to cause an issue, your supply should be very settled by now. You may find that you can express for that feed as its 'missed', even though you can't express normally.

IF baby will take a bottle after 6m, then I think gradually increasing contact would be good. If it can incorporate a meal time, then that might help even if baby doesn't take much milk. Maybe trying 3 hours from 6m, then 4 etc building up to a full day by around a year depending on how weaning is going. Many bottle refusing BF babies are in nursery for the whole day before this, and presumably you'd need to be thinking of going back to work around then anyway.

He is being unreasonable in being so flakey, in not taking parenting seriously, and in thinking he can instantly go to full days.

It's not bollocks

It's how a court is likely see it because babies of this age are beginning to be weaned (also breast-feeding is protected only up to the 6 month point - whether or not you think this is long enough, it is what exists at present)

And this is nothing whatsoever to do with the desirability of breastfeeding at and beyond that age. But is a reflection of the infant moving over to a more mixed diet, and the gradual transition to other drinks. And the expectation that the infant will be able to be with other care givers for gradually increasing periods. As PP said, one hour becomes two hours, becomes 4 hours, and food and drinks during those times will become things other than breastmilk. As will be happening when in the care of the BF-ing mother too - the introduction of food leads, slowly but inexorably to the reduction and ending of BF-ing.

Now, the father might have all sorts of other shortcomings, but they need to be dealt with as issues in their own right. Because courts will not see BF-ing after the age of 6 months as a show stopper, no matter how much you think they should.

So it's time to think about what you want the transition period to be like.

When were you thinking of going back to work? At roughly a year? You'd be planning the transition to another carer of some sort by then if you are returning to the workforce. Planning to extend the child's time with DDad goes hand in hand with that

What sort of idiot would introduce bottles at 6m when that is the very time to start to stop bottles and move to a cup?

I find the advice parroted on this thread absolutely ridiculous.

Formula feeders are a weird breed with very strange attitudes to what is desirable feeding behaviour.

@Newname2345 the advice to let him
take you to court is relevant, the backlogs are significant. By the time anything is enforced you will have bought more time.

1: your ex sounds like a spiteful knob don't give in to his demands and no court would order straight to full day!

2: The amount you can express is not a sign of your milk supply at all for some women express volume is zero with very healthy babies - a friends baby was 98th for weight a pump she got 2 mls max.
A hakaa might work better for you if used first feed on the opposite breast that your feeding from.

3: just to say well done mumma! A new baby is hard going especially when adding in your tosspot of an ex. You sound level headed and have your babies best interests at heart unlike your ex who hasn't bothered to build up a bond.

I breastfed my second until gone 2.5 so I'm not sure you can describe me as a 'formula feeder', more just someone who disagrees with you. Shocker...

@AlltheFs how disrespectful to those that formula feed wether by choice or not.
i mixed fed my kids and worked fine for them us and our family
and big healthy strapping 6 ft lads now so can’t of done too much home.
how someone feeds there baby is no ones else business. Whether thats bf until 5 or bottle from birth and everything in between

In case of doubt, I wasn't a formula feeder either. My babies were breast fed for between 12 and 20 months each (but would drink EBM from a bottle - a skill I thought they needed at have, as maternity leave was so much shorter when I had my eldest)

I don't think I ever made up a bottle of formula, though we did have a tub in the house in case we ever ran out of expressed and I was not around.

And of course, when they start trying other foods, it all changes; and when eating more reliably it changes a lot.

Right?! I find the people on this website who can't understand that people can disagree with them without being stupid/weird/unable to read "a weird breed," personally.

I have FF and EBF, different circumstances for different kids, but I am not in the situation of co parenting with a parent who lives elsewhere. Real life tends to have a bit of nuance.

He is her father and has as much right to spend time with her as you. One day a week is wonderful, I would love for my children to see their dad one day a week and they would love it more.

Please don't make an issue of this, for your child's sake, let them bond with their dad xx

Perhaps read all OP’s posts before you decide on the wonderfulness, lolacherricoke!

Have you breastfed a baby? Clearly not.
You can't deny a baby its source of nutrition for a whole day. Babies don't usually take to a bottle of formula straight away.

I can imagine the scenario - baby gets hungry, won't take a bottle then screams and screams and screams and screams and screams until they have had enough and return the baby back to its mother.

It really isn’t about what you would want and if you had read OP’s posts and not just the first, you would have known that OP has been trying to facilitate access from the beginning but he has given excuses and shown up late, not shown up at all, refused to stay in the spare room of their home when baby was smaller where he could have been bonding with their baby. OP also struggles to express milk, only getting a few ml and not enough for one feed and doesn’t have the time to sit there and try to make enough for a full day.

Because of this donor’s actions (not really a father imo if he can’t even be bothered to show up), their baby likely doesn’t really know him and at that age babies do see and recognise voices of those that care for them so a full day without OP would be distressing and he would know this if he actually considered their baby over his own needs.

Ranoantlvy - BF 2 children until they were 12 and 13 months consecutively! I did however also give them a bottle a formula so that my Husband could feed them as well.
They are both happy and healthy and no harm done by given them food that millions of children across the world survive on!

You obviously haven't read the thread or OP actual post before commenting.

To help you I'll summarise;

OP and DC dad spilt when pregnant
OP has asked DC dad to build relationship with child
DC dad has been inconsistent (at best) spending max 1hr with DC
DC is EBF and OP doesn't have financial or time means to introduce FF
DC dad now wants to take baby for full days despite not having a tested means of feeding the baby.

You mentioning your DH relationship with your DC is of no use/interest/help to OP situation as your DH lives with DC and has an established relationship with DC. OP DC dad does not

If you have separated, I think this unfortunately is a consequence of that decision. it is his right to spend time with his child, and as long as the baby is fed and safe that’s all that matters.

you can feed baby before it goes to father, pump during the day and feed again on return.

the issue about slowly increasing contact time is fair, but that’s a totally different matter to how the baby is fed while in his care.

You need to look at the bigger picture. This man is going to be in your life for at least the next 18 years. It is in your child’s, and your, best interests to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. It is better for you, your child, and his father for a number of practical reasons including childcare, finances, and ensuring your child grows up knowing that his parents have supported him and worked together for his benefit. This is often not easy, but it is worthwhile.

Your child is 5 months now. He will be 6 months soon. Work out when it would be suitable for your ex to take the baby for the day, and what you require to make that a feasible option. I’d suggest working up to it slowly from a morning every weekend for a month once your baby is 6 months old, to a short day a week for another month, to longer days after that. At each stage he has to be on time, and return on time. In addition, he needs to provide all nappies/bottles/changes of clothes/snacks etc. because you don’t want to get sucked into the routine of having to provide everything every time he sees him. Sit down and agree this in advance and in writing so he can’t say he forgot. If he fails then you can lengthen the time before you’re comfortable with longer visits. This way, you are reasonable, are offering him the opportunity to step up, and you get to set the rules. It’s up to him to meet the conditions.

You wouldn’t love it for your children in lots of circumstances. if, for example, they weren’t fed. If he was a complete stranger and they were just handed over without having any explanation or context or timeframe for being returned.
if he didn’t have a bed for them. If he sat them in front of a tv all day. If they were in nappies and he didn’t change them. If they were recently toilet trained and he let them wet themselves. If I read a thread like this where it’s clearly laid out he’s not a good dad, he’s not shown up, he’s not spend time with his baby, he has no knowledge of caring for them-then I can’t imagine jumping to its wonderful he wants extended time with the baby. Imagine dismissing the baby’s welfare like that :(

Destroy babys virgin gut?

I've heard it all now.

Unfortunately the dad has rights to and now no longer newborn I guess formula would have to happen to be fair

Say no and the baby is too young to leave you all day.

YANBU at all. No court will force you to give your baby formula. It's healthier for the baby to be EBF and it's ridiculous for your ex to suggest going to a whole day straight away.

Contact should increase.

I wouldn't be worried about the feeding. It's so unlikely an EBF baby, with virtually sole care by her mother is going to take a bottle of formula from a stranger. Mine wouldn't even take a bottle of expressed milk (from me, or from my MIL who we lived with at the time).