To be fuming at my mum over birthday present?

[SilverSeat]

DDs birthday on Wednesday. My mum asked me ages ago what she wanted and I said “well all she keeps going on about is this princess castle so I’m getting her that”. My mum said “oh can I get her that? I don’t know what else to get her”. I said “it’s expensive though, £80” my mum said “oh that’s fine!”.

now my mum has form for buying the complete opposite of what you’ve told her so I showed her a picture of it, the make, where to buy it etc - she said that’s fine. I said “ok if you’re definitely getting her that exact castle (it had to be that one as her cousin has it and DD is obsessed with it, as I explained) I’ll get her the electric car”.

i bought the car £80. My mum called yesterday and said she’d got the castle - great. She then added “it was a bargain! It was only £25!” My heart sank … I said “it can’t have been, where did you get it from??” And she told me the name of this shop. I asked her to send me a photo?” So she did …

it’s the complete opposite of what I showed her. It’s a grey medieval castle with soldiers and cannons etc. I said “I told you it was the pink princess castle!” And she said “Her dolls will fit in it though”

FFS

DD thinks she’s getting the princess castle and is so excited, now I have to go out and buy the bloody thing after already buying the car. My mum is “upset” that I’m replacing her present. She used to do this kind of shit to me when I was a kid and I’m not allowing DD to go through it. She cocked up one of her Christmas presents in the same manner. AIBU to be really fucking annoyed and AIBU to replace the present?

Id rather she didn’t buy her a present at all then at least I’d know what to buy!!

I would find that so maddening!

In hindsight it may have been better to ask your mother to give you the £80 and tell her you’d pick it up for her, if you know she has form for this shit. But then I’d imagine she’s the type to kick up a fuss about doing that too!

This pseudowokism makes my blood boil. "Pink? You can't buy a girl pink, it's bad, it's stereotyping her!" etc., etc...
I've never been mad into Barbies and dolls, neither was my DD but when she wanted something pink, she got something pink. Didn't damage her in the slightest. We are moving from putting pressure on girls to be girly to judging them for being girly.
OP, this situation would make me mad too. Hope you get sorted.

But she's asked for and is excited for a princess castle
She's five she probably won't always want to play with a princess castle but even kids of five know what they want
I indulged my kids at that age on their birthdays and Xmas,s because they are only small for a short time

My mother was like this, too. Never listened, always obsessed with getting something on the cheap. She didn't mean to hurt you, she's just unthinking. You're not being unreasonable, but you do need to quietly explain what she did wrong, and expect her not to understand. It's a quirk of hers, but don't let it ruin your relationship. She's still your mum, even though she sometimes gets it so wrong!

Yes exactly I never had girls but why can't a five year old girl have a princess castle if that's what she wants ,I'm all kids not conforming to gender stereotypes but they should be allowed to play with what they want
Next year she might want a football!

I will never forget the disappointment of my new bike. I was about 11, and my parents said I could have a new bike for my birthday. I desperately wanted a racing bike (I did a lot of cycling.) one with big wheels and 8 gears so I could keep up with my friends. We went to bike shops, tried the bikes, I chose the one I wanted, and confirmed the colour (purple), and was really happy when my parents handed over the deposit, knowing I’d be getting the bike of my dreams.

A few weeks later I excitedly tore off the wrapping paper on the huge box, only to find a blue Raleigh Shopper. My mum had decided that a bike with nice small wheels would be much more ladylike, and I could carry my shopping in the bag, which detached and a practical shoulder strap. I was disappointed beyond measure. I probably used it about twice, and never went cycling with my friends again.

I wasn’t a generally ungrateful child. I was hard working, and well behaved. I couldn’t understand why I had been allowed to choose my bike, and then had that taken away from me. I was upset every time I saw that fucking Raleigh Shopper in the garage.

As soon as I left home, and earned some money, I bought a purple racing bike. And I have NEVER allowed my children to be disappointed in their main presents like I was, with promises that are not delivered.

Hope you managed to get the castle and return the car.

I'm sorry but I mean this kindly: you need to adjust your thinking and the way you handle your mother. She has form for this, not just your own childhood but also at Christmas. You absolutely must not tell her what you are giving DD or what DD really, really wants. You know you can't trust her with that information. You should have said no when she asked if she could get the castle. Next time don't even tell her what you're getting. If she asks, make a few suggestions of things that DD would like but not things she desperately wants and would be disappointed if she didn't get.

That's so sad! Why did your mum just undo that kind thing they'd done to let you choose the bike, and why did your dad let her?! I would have been heartbroken too

Reading this post reminded me of the episode of king of queens where Doug wants the “Mentalo” toy and Carrie buys him the knock off version.
Some people just don’t seem to see the difference or want to save money.

I remember as a child being desperate for Nike trainers and my Nana said she would buy them for my birthday. My parents were struggling for money and were so grateful, they ended up wishing they had bought them when I opened the shoe box to find a pair of plastic “nicks” trainers.
I didn’t want to get bullied at school so I deliberately walked into sinking sand (I knew the risks but really hated those trainers!) and managed to lose them.

My sister’s best friend’s birthday was the day before hers. My mum was friends with her mother but she was wealthy and competitive. She used to ask her daughter to find out what my sister wanted for her birthday and buy her daughter the same thing plus lots of other gifts just to show she could. Half the time her daughter didn’t even want the same thing! Either that or she’d buy the same gift for my sister, it was definitely a power thing.
My mum was upset by it but then realised it worked to her advantage and took it back with the receipt from the gift she bought and got my sister some extra gifts! I don’t know if her friend ever found out.

I had an auntie who would always buy me knock off presents like hard plastic fake Barbie dolls or “forest friends” instead of slyvanian families. My dad was really hurt thinking his sister was doing it deliberately but then she had my cousin’s and did it all their lives as well.
The toys would always fall to bits and it just seemed such a waste of money.

I don’t know if it’s an age thing as pp suggested, it seems like it based on my experiences and other people mentioned it happening to them in the 90’s. I’m sure there are lots of different reasons why people buy different gifts then expected but I suspect in a lot of cases it’s either a power play or because they feel savvy and like they are saving money. Maybe they think if it’s a gift for a child they should just accept it and appreciate it.

If it was my mother doing it I’d keep buying her gifts that she didn’t need like reading glasses that were the wrong prescription or slippers the wrong size. If she complained I’d point out it’s exactly the same as she’s doing - buying something that will never get appreciated or used. She might realise then that this attitude just makes you feel like the person giving the gift doesn’t care.

I ended up doing it with a send me the money and I'll buy it from you for my IL. Otherwise goodness knows what they'd have bought.

Just buy it yourself next time and ask your mum to transfer the money

As others have said, dont give her suggestions off the actual list. I’d give her a rough idea/general suggestion (for example an art set?), something that your daughter would like but doesn’t wany a specific one. You know she has form for it, if shes always done it, unlikely she will change as a grandparent.

Get the most important present yourself and dont rely on someone you know is unlikely to get what she wants.

Exactly.

As a child I was a tomboy and would have hated all the pink. But I can use my empathy and imagination and get people, especially children, what they would like rather than what I would have liked at the same age.

Feminism is about choice, not about straitjackets.

I hope you do the same to your mum for all her birthdays and christmas from now on.

My suggestion in future is give her present suggestions that are either gift tokens or books (it won't matter if she finds a cheap or second hand edition, it'll still have the same words in it).

That is an excellent suggestion.

In future why not say I'll get it if you send / ping / give me the money xxx

This is me 😔.
Never, ever got what I wanted. Called ungrateful and told this is just for now.

I hate 'just for now'. Just for once get me the thing that I wanted, just one time.

@AnotherEmma my dad always thought that mum knew best when dealing with daughters.

My mum was desperate for me to conform to being the “girly” girl that she wanted. Mum got a lot of use out of the bike. Me, not so much…

If I was you OP I would never tell her anything your child really wanted again. Just give her - doesn’t matter if she gets it wrong - sort of ideas. it’s a shame but I’d also wonder if this is partly deliberate if she keeps doing it.

MIL did this years ago with a present for DS. She asked me what we were getting him for his birthday and I told her a cozy coupe. She asked if she could get it for him and I said no, it's OK it'll be our main present for him. She insisted that she get it as he was her only grandchild and she really wanted to get him something that he would love. I offered to get it for her but she said no. She got him a trike. He already had a trike. She said that when she saw it, she decided a trike would be better. No idea why. He didn't know he was going to get it so I went out and bought him the thing he really wanted anyway, so I was well out of pocket because I had bought him other things for his birthday.

My mum did this all the time. She'd give me a budget for a gift (mine, DHs, or the kids etc) and ask what we wanted. Id send her a link to an exact item, I'd explain why that specific one etc and it was always under or at budget and yet every single time she would buy a different one. So if I said a Blue Pokémon t shirt for DS, she'd get him a green Asda t shirt, she would then also get a second gift to make up to the budget When questioned she'd always say the one she got was 'a bargain' or the one we wanted wasn't good value. Drove me nuts. So now I just tell her a generic thing and let her get whatever. I never trust her with an exact item.

Teaching moment for mum that if she doesn't bloody listen despite being told 50 million times then people are going to be very annoyed with her and not include her in their plans.

My DM does this.

My DS wanted some specific clothes Xmas just gone. She asked for his sizes, so gave them to her. She presents the gifts - not the same colours or brands and two sizes too small. Apparently she didn't think I'd got his sizes or choices right and said "I thought, no way does he want those clothes! And she's definitely sent me the wrong sizes!" Then got all huffy when I said "why wouldn't I know what my DS likes or what his sizes are?! I've been shopping for his clothes since he was born...why didn't you ring me to double check if you thought I'd got it wrong?"

She didn't ring me to double check because she knows full well I wasn't wrong, she's just a control freak who won't allow people to tell her what to do (as she sees it), even though she pestered and got angry at me for not giving her gift ideas soon enough.

I won't be doing it any more in future. The clothes weren't expensive or designer, just some average stuff from Sports Direct that were on sale. But still, his little face when he got the opposite and they didn't even fit. He tried to fake gratitude, but I was quite angry because she always does it.

I think it's because me and her were never close, she had me young and clueless. We were more like bickering sisters who didn't like each other. No affection or care. But my DS and I are really close and I think it pisses her off, so she does stuff like this. Still acting like the mean sister deliberately trying to wind me up.