To be fuming at my mum over birthday present?

[SilverSeat]

DDs birthday on Wednesday. My mum asked me ages ago what she wanted and I said “well all she keeps going on about is this princess castle so I’m getting her that”. My mum said “oh can I get her that? I don’t know what else to get her”. I said “it’s expensive though, £80” my mum said “oh that’s fine!”.

now my mum has form for buying the complete opposite of what you’ve told her so I showed her a picture of it, the make, where to buy it etc - she said that’s fine. I said “ok if you’re definitely getting her that exact castle (it had to be that one as her cousin has it and DD is obsessed with it, as I explained) I’ll get her the electric car”.

i bought the car £80. My mum called yesterday and said she’d got the castle - great. She then added “it was a bargain! It was only £25!” My heart sank … I said “it can’t have been, where did you get it from??” And she told me the name of this shop. I asked her to send me a photo?” So she did …

it’s the complete opposite of what I showed her. It’s a grey medieval castle with soldiers and cannons etc. I said “I told you it was the pink princess castle!” And she said “Her dolls will fit in it though”

FFS

DD thinks she’s getting the princess castle and is so excited, now I have to go out and buy the bloody thing after already buying the car. My mum is “upset” that I’m replacing her present. She used to do this kind of shit to me when I was a kid and I’m not allowing DD to go through it. She cocked up one of her Christmas presents in the same manner. AIBU to be really fucking annoyed and AIBU to replace the present?

Id rather she didn’t buy her a present at all then at least I’d know what to buy!!

But then you would know that op was buying the castle but her mum insisted she would get it. It wasnt delegated to the mother at all.

Why did you tell her about the present she really really wanted if you knew she was going to go a different way though? If people have form for stuff they’re going to do it. Some people just have different ideas and that’s not the big fuck you people here quote it to be, its not a big over dramatic‘she’s shown you her true colours’, it’s literally just that they see something and think ‘ooh that’s great’. So the person who knows exactly what a person wants should get it themselves and tell the other person roughly something she might like.

Or that some adults are incapable of following simple instructions or just can't be bothered.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. But I am mightily relieved to know I’m not the only person who has a parent like this.

80 quid!!!!!! Your mother has form, which means you have enough info to have a plan B.

I think if you keep asking children what they want for a present and then getting them something else it sends a message that they don’t deserve what they want.

I would either get 10 different presents (all cheap tat that added up to the amount of what I wanted) or I would ask for a Barbie doll and ballet tutu and get a Cindy doll and pair of trousers.

@Yalta

I think if you keep asking children what they want for a present and then getting them something else it sends a message that they don’t deserve what they want.

I couldn't agree more. Why ask if there is no intention of sticking to the plan? I am astounded at the posters on here who think that this behaviour is OK and will teach DD that she can't have everything she asks for or will discourage gender stereotyping etc. The DD is FIVE!
The fact that posters on this thread had similar treatment as children and remember it as an unhappy memory says it all really.

Yes, same here.

Always giving a child everything that they demand is likely to set them up for life as an entitled brat; BUT never giving them a special thing or two that they set their hearts on and ask for nicely, for a significant occasion like a birthday, is giving them the exact opposite message - and teaching them that their preferences and desires simply don't matter; second-best is always plenty good enough for them.

If it genuinely is unaffordable/unobtainable, you gently explain that to them and ask them if what else they might really like as an alternative; you don't just get a cut-price vague approximation of it and then tell them they must be grateful for it.

I agree with PP: there are plenty of grown adults who ask for, say, a specific perfume for a present, who would be greatly disappointed to be given a generic Lidl one for £3.99 - or even another posh designer one, but categorically not the one they clearly asked for - even though you could maybe argue that 'it's pretty much the same kind of thing, really'.

We've always told our DS: nobody is more important than he is; but equally, nobody is less important than him.

This would annoy me so much. I’ve had family members do this I’ve suggested something because I know they’ve asked for it then they don’t get it. But now I don’t bother or I don’t suggest anything that would be on their mega want list.

There's no chance you'll go get the castle and return the car... And then your mum will have returned hers too and show up with the right one? This has the potential to turn into a real farce!

I have 3 grandchildren and I’m the same. I probably get on my daughter’s nerves double and triple checking I’m ordering the right thing. Or she sends me the link!!
I disagree with a previous poster who thinks it’s an age thing.
I’m amazed at how many people say their parents are the same as OP’s. I agree with you it’s an idiot (couldn’t care less) thing.
I just don’t understand it at all 🤷‍♀️

I'd replace it with the one DD wanted and I'd be annoyed with my mum. Next time I'd tell her something DD isn't too fussed about so she can screw that up!

Could you return the car and buy the castle?

My family do this all the time, now when they as I just say 'you don't need to get her anything, but if you really want to get craft or colouring stuff' I don't know why they ask 🤣 they used to ask me for links, and I could find stuff and send it to them and then they would buy something completely different! I realised I had enough to do around Christmas and birthdays to be shopping for other people

YANBU and don't let anyone tell you that you are, especially your DM!

Anyone not seeing that this is weirdly perverse and passive aggressive of op’s mum is being dense.

That’s really really annoying. You couldn’t have been clearer. Don’t get involved in this shite next time. Ask for money.

In the meantime I’d ask her calmly what is REALLY going on in her deliberate refusal to do what is asked. My dad was a bit like this. Contrary is how I’d best describe it. It did not feel good to be on the end of it.

Tell her to take back her castle, you get the one she wants and then your mum could give her the car that you bought?

I think in future give your mum ideas for presents that aren’t ones that will cause disappointment if she ends up choosing something different.

@fafsmam

I disagree with a previous poster who thinks it’s an age thing.

Me too. I can't think of any excuse (unless there is something seriously wrong with their mental function) for how someone could possibly go wrong having been shown the product, told the brand name, told where to buy it and the price. It is a deliberate (and also rather cruel) disregard for the little girl's wish.

why put yourself in this position when the person has form for it, has done it before to the grandchild, has done it before to the op...

just tell her get the car or something else and get the important stuff yourself

Yup - to some girls this would definitely be the case (one of my DDs in particular). I would probably have preferred the boy version, as would my other DD! We are all different.

There’s nothing wrong in a girl wanting something pink and girly. It’s what she asked for, and what she was told she was getting for her birthday. I’m pretty sure that most little boys would hate to be given something pink and glittery and Barbie related 🤷‍♀️