To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

In my case yes I did. GS lives with me now and never sees his maternal GF, he's the one who was so desperate for me to not be able to pick GS up when he was crying that he elbowed me out of the way and almost knocked me over. They aren't so cuddly when they are spotty teenagers so no one is fighting me to get him now.

If I am getting the who's who right here I think your husband should be having a word with his brother.

But the mother clearly wanted and felt comfortable with them being there. It’s her prerogative. I think it’s very much ok for the mother to let her own mother and sister hold the baby and for everyone else to have to wait. My midwife wouldn’t have approved but ultimately it’s up to the mother.

Grandparents have no rights whatsoever over a baby. You reap what you sow. The parents call the shots and grandparents need to take it or leave it.

They don’t smoke, and MIL doesn’t really wear perfume except on special occasions.

I’ll readily admit to having taken this personally for them as, having only two boys myself, I worry that this will be happening to me one day! I also really would like my DC to be close with their cousin but I guess that’s unrealistic… SIL is always doing stuff with her sister and niece but BIL doesn’t seem arsed about his nephews at all.

I think he needs to be careful though.

He could easily say if his parents were that put out/upset they needn't bother themselves with visiting again.

(Although he probably doesn't want to lose the free help)

It does seem though that he has always treated them pretty badly.

guests are there to help out not cuddle the newborn.

I don't think you know what "guest" means.

BIL doesn’t seem arsed about his nephews at all.

Some people just aren't bothered.

I don't have that much contact with my sibling & less with their now adult child.

Well it's on both sides.

We just aren't bothered about seeing each other.

I have friends who I much prefer to spend time with.

It does seem a bit mean really.

Poor MIL can't win.

Tries to respect boundaries by not asking for a cuddle: her fault she didn't get one

Had asked for a cuddle: no doubt would be condemned by some on here for putting SIL on the spot.

No way did no one in that room realise that MIL/PIL wanted a cuddle.

Your IL's sound lovely, OP. Please tell them how much you appreciate them.

OP I dare say when they need your PIL to do them favours they'll be intouch.

Appalling behaviour and yet one that seems to becoming a 'thing'.

I think it has all gone too far with this boundary setting - it's like a way for new parents to punish certain family members or put them in their place. Picking and choosing who they do this to. Some things make sense, don't hold baby or come round if you are sick, don't overstay or expect to be fed/cups of tea etc., offer to do practical things. But for goodness sake, let grandparents have a cuddle.

I have a friend who did this to her inlaws, apparently her Mum did it to her inlaws too. She made her inlaws wait 6 weeks for a visit that was only allowed to last 30 minutes. Next visit was grandchild's christening when they were 6 months old and they were allowed a 5 minute hold and not invited to the reception. They bring round Birthday and Christmas gifts and are told to leave them at the door and that they are impacting the Mum (my friend's) mental health. They sometimes see their son alone, but never allowed to with the grandchildren. My friend freely admits to me once she had dc she had an excuse not to see them. She says this with a smile. It has hugely impacted what I think of her. Yes, I get they may not be your cup of tea to go on a holiday with, or to spend every weekend with. But once a month at a park or for a Sunday lunch? Make it happen. Her children see her parents almost daily...

I always think, imagine if it was your son's (b/c it's typically the son's parents that are pushed out) baby. Would you want to visit? Hold the baby? Be allowed more than a quick visit where they use you to do things. I firmly believe we are teaching our dc how to treat grandparents and one day it will all backfire b/c we have made this level of cruelty normal.

FYI my friend has only sons...

You sound lovely OP and I’m so glad your in-laws have you as a DIL. You will make up for your SIL’s deficits I’m sure; she sounds incredibly thoughtless and unkind.

You can never have too many grannies and grandads who love their GCs.
I am a paternal grandmother and I am very close to my grandchildren. They come and stay for a week or 2 in the summer holidays and always have a great time. (Probably glad to have a break from mum and dad 🤣)
It would be a shame if one set of grandparents were alienated, its not only the GPs that miss out, but the children as well
(Barring any issues of unacceptable behaviour from the GPs, of course!!)
As I child I would have loved 2 sets of GPs but sadly my Dad's parents died before I was born 🤣

It's a very different relationship between a woman who has just given birth, and her own mum. Than it is with the MIL.

I remember being SO excited to see my own mum after having my two, and fairly neutral about the MIL coming. I think that's quite normal.

Your parents should have asked. There was nothing to stop them using their words.

@MumDadBingoBIuey your parents-in-law sound wonderful, and it’s a pity they raised such a woefully inadequate son ☹️.

I see this on MN so many times, then the same buggers will no doubt be complaining later about their in-laws showing little interest in their sprog. That was just sad reading.

It seems very off that MIL was asked to visit with others there. I get she didn't want to intrude but I'm wondering if she was wrong by not asking. I'm giving them the benefit of doubt here but isn't there a chance that BIL and SIL genuinely thought everyone came to visit and have a cuddle and didn't notice that it didn't happen? I think MIL should mention it to her son, I didn't get a cuddle the last time can we make sure if happens next time? If the answer is no that's very different.

you seem to know an awful lot in miniscule detail! Fly on the wall???

It seems like very mean behaviour to me. I feel really sorry for the PILS who sound lovely. Zero sensitivity shown by the other grandmother and SIL. Ultimately, however, I believe that BIL should take responsibility - these are his parents. Having said this, I think it's natural for a new mother to need her female relatives at this time, but not to the extent of treating the father's family like second class citizens. They could surely have gone home for an hour.
A bit off topic, but I do feel that back in the day when new mothers and babies were routinely in hospital for a few days after the birth, it was a lot easier to have visitors from both sides of the family in what was a neutral setting. Visits were obviously time restricted too and there was no requirement to host at the same time. Obviously there are very good reasons for discharging mother and baby as quickly as possible, but the opportunity to do these first visits in hospital was an advantage.

Op, when your sil is on here in 3 years complaining your lovely mil is distant, please let us all know so we can say "serves you right!" to her! She sounds like a dick and your PIL sound fabulous 👌

Just want to say that it’s possible SIL and BIL intended on no in-laws for two weeks, but then SIL realized after the birth that she needed her mother and sister for her personal support.

Oh that's made me feel so sad for your MIL.

The GP shouldn't have to ask. The baby's parents would, in a normal family, introduce the new baby to the grandparents and ask if they would like to hold her. It's that simple.

Well I guess the mum had done that for her mum & sister so perhaps thought that her husband would extend the same consideration to his own parents?

That is sad. They do need to stick up for themselves though and it should come from them not your dh. No doubt bil will ask them for some kind of help again and at that point fil should say that he's not just there to do odd jobs for them, that they came around to see their granddaughter and didn't get a chance to hold her, instead they were set to work.

Your in-laws sound lovely. Congratulations on the birthday of their new grandchild. 💐 I have for many years recognised that parents and siblings of the new dad get treated differently to the parents and siblings of the new mum. I get that each family has a different dynamic, but hurt feelings take such a long time to recover from, especially in these circumstances.

Both sets of grandparents have a new grandchild that they are expected to love and adore. Hard to do when it's a bit one sided though....