To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

I find it odd that guests are given a list of jobs to do . Visitors are not there to do the fucking housework, your poor MIL. Why doed everyone feel like visits to new parents have to involve a list of jobs.

This. I can understand how a new mum would feel more comfortable with her own mum, but the two-week rule is unnecessary. The in-laws sound lovely and could have been invited sooner, it's not like they would turn up every day.

Oh that sounds so sad for your PIL. You'd think her Mum/Sister would step back a little during your Mils visit. I wonder if your Sister in law is thinking her inlaws already dote on their existing grandchildren so aren't too bothered? I'm sure as time goes on she may be very grateful to have your MIL ready and willing for babysitting etc. The first few weeks are often busy with well wishers but it soon wears off.

Your PIL sound lovely. My second was held by quite a lot of people before I held them and I’ve a great bond. A few minutes wouldn’t have hurt. I wouldn’t have dared ask my MIL to do lunch and clear up.

I’m surprised that SIL’s mum didn’t hand the baby to MIL to hold. It’d be the respectful and kind thing to do.

Such is life for the paternal grandparents!

Yes, I’m closer with my friend than most of my family. I want him to have a relationship with them, but not as close as they want. I would rather him be closer to my friend.

I think it's pretty well know that when you visit a new baby, unless the mother has stated not to, a cuddle with baby is one of the reasons you're there.

Trouble is the in-laws were invited to carry out DIY, cook and clear up afterwards whilst her mother and sister were cuddling the baby and be waited on. That must hurt.

Care to expand or are you only able to communicate by pictures…?

Does your MIL smoke by any chance?

It may be that your SIL was to exhausted and adjusting to think about your mil needing a cuddle and if your mil didn't ask (which I can see why she didn't) it might have been a genuine oversight. I had a straightforward birth but I still found I was just in a complete daze the early weeks. For some women the hormones create a huge brain fog. I could have had the same conversation with dh 4 different times and not remember any of it, it was like nothing I've ever experienced.

Your mil sounds lovely and I think she was fab to be prepared to come round and do practical things which is what a new parent actually needs. I would say that your sils mum and sister have been there to help her practically not "meet the baby" if that makes sense. After I had ds i didn't want lots of visitors but my mum came up and stayed to give a hand. I needed some help with my mobility post birth and needed help dressing and bending etc. I bf baby so she was great and fed me and did some housework for us etc. I couldn't have done without her but at the same time I felt incredibly vulnerable and didn't want anyone else near me bar dh at that time. I have fab inlaws and feel very grateful for them but I'm very private and wouldn't have felt comfortable taking that same support from my mil as wonderful as she is. So I agree with others who have suggested the mother and sister were there to fulfil a different supportive role.

I think she needs to ask next time since sil clearly doesn't have an issue with baby being passed around. I think it's been a genuine oversight on sil part which I think should be forgiven since mil didn't ask and its all very overwhelming in the beginning. I also think you and your dh need to step back as this doesn't directly involve you and while I understand you just feel empathy for your in laws, I wouldn't be adding fuel to that fire since its nothing to do with you. I'd just suggest to mil that it's been an oversight and she should ask next time.

Yeah me too! I remember when we had our first baby obv my mum came to help out a bit, and in laws just popped over for visits. My mum always made sure to hand out baby to my mother in law. I think the grandmother was very mean. She should know better

I think your MIL should have asked for a cuddle. They might be sat there thinking cor MIL kept asking for jobs but clearly had no interest in baby.

Wait and see what happens when they are desperate for childcare 😉

I'm sorry I don't agree at all. No one is too tired to know that a grandmother wants to hold a grandchild, particularly not the grandmother that was holding the child. She could have given the baby to the other grandmother.
I don't think it's an oversight. More likely form for not taking her mil's feelings into account.
It's like saying you didn't notice that you only offered drinks to one side of the family or that there wasn't any chairs. Certain things are basic knowledge and manners.

It’s not necessary, he’s a tiny baby and it doesn’t benefit him at all. He should be held by me and his dad. Which is what the midwife said- guests are there to help out not cuddle the newborn. Obviously if a doctor or midwife needs to pick up baby then fine- not exactly the same as someone wanting to cuddle a newborn.

🙄

Probably ask her mum or sister tbh 😂

Ffs, any normal person knows that the grandparents want to hold the baby the first time they meet them.

I'm not fussed about holding other people's babies and would rather not, but my grandkids will be a different matter.

Well the other grandmother and aunt shouldn't have been there then as they weren't helping and they certainly shouldn't have been holding the baby should they. If you don't let anyone else hold the baby then that is your decision, having different rules for two sets of grandparents isn't appropriate.

I daresay the SIL will be on here in due course complaining that the ILs favour the OPs children, you know the children they have been allowed to bond with.

They would probably leap at the chance to see their GC!

If this was my family, one of my boys would have a word with their brother about this kind of behaviour. I think this is what your dh should do tbh - a gentle reminder that their parents have feelings and do t just exist to fix things, wouldn't go amiss.

I find that people largely treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. In this instance, it's time your in-laws stopped being quite so amenable and helpful - both her son and dil are taking them for granted!

I do get it. I was always closer to my own mum than mil, and yes , I wanted my own mum post birth. But I never ever stopped my in-laws from seeing the new born grandchildren or having cuddles or coming over to see them regularly.
It's important to remember that even though a woman might be closer to her own parents, as far as grandkids are concerned, they 'belong' equally to both sides of a family!

My own DS has a partner who likes to keep us at arms length - I maintain contact with my DS but I don't get into doing all the chores. I strongly believe in reap as you sow and my efforts are made accordingly.

That’s appalling behaviour. Your SIL sounds 2 faced and precious. She needs to be told. I hate this whole ‘2 weeks as a family’, so you’re disregarding the family you already had , so rude. Everyone on MN seems so over precious with their newborns. Let others enjoy them.

I have no interest in a close relationship with my MIL & I think if she had tried to force it & me be the "daughter she never had" I would have backed away rapidly.

I had my own lovey mum & didn't need another.

That said, BIL sounds fucking horrible.

Why is SIl getting the blame here?

Did Bil not want his mother to look at his beautiful child?