To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Aww your poor ILs.
The Mum and sister if they were decent people would have stayed away and let your ILs have their time with their grandchild.
Your BIL needs to grow a pair and look out for his own parents.

I think the other grandma has behaved appallingly in this scenario. She should have made a discrete exit with her other daughter and left the PIL’s to enjoy some special time with the new baby.

Sadly, I could easily be the MIL in that scenario. I think lots of mums of son’s are treated very unfairly by the DIL’s side of the family. ☹️

We live overseas and when we visited son and DIL to see our grandchild, DIL’s mum turned up and invited herself to a special celebratory meal that I’d paid for. The other granny lives nearby and sees her grandchild very regularly so there was no need to intrude on our brief visit.

Quite a few posters are asking why this is sister in laws fault and not solely your brother in law's. Just because sil isn't related to her in-laws by blood, it doesn't make her exempt from having good manners! Pil were guests in her home - they shouldn't have been treated like staff! And sil's mum also sounds incredibly rude. Tbh I think bil, sil and sil's mum are all equally rude as fuck!

No, MIL and I were just chatting about it while she made lunch

Sadly, I could easily be the MIL in that scenario. I think lots of mums of son’s are treated very unfairly by the DIL’s side of the family. ☹️

Seems as if they are treated pretty badly by their own sons!

My husband always found my parents easier to get on with/spend time with.

That's not to say that he doesn't care for/have a relationship with his own parents but fuck me they are hard work!

My mil got to have the first cuddle with my 10mo when he was born as she wasn't allowed to be in the room when I had him (only DH). She was absolutely over the moon and said she would treasure the memory forever. Your il's sound nice the others not so much

Of course they do.

It is lovely when they meet each other.

We have photos of the ILs meeting DS for the first time. And Auntie and Uncle from down the road, the cousins and all three great grandparents including the one with dementia who lit up when she got to hold the baby because it is something that she never forgot how to do.

Then there was all my family.

Haven't read the full thread but YANBU at all. They're not being fair, or kind, at all.

Mil can't win tbh. If they ask they are pushy, if they don't ask they are distant

This really makes me appreciate my dil who handed me her firstborn before I’d had time to take my coat off.

Dreadful behaviour. All Grandparents are equally relevant, as it should be regardless of whether they are on the maternal or paternal side of the family.

👍😍😁

Yanbu. Pil need to remember this if asked to do anything else in future.

I was always baffled by the way my former SIL treated my MIL who is bloody brilliant. The children barely spent any time with her despite living 20 minutes away. They now have a non existent relationship as older teens. People are peculiar I'm afraid. I am thrilled that she has a relationship with my child / her grandchild from dot, she was there when they were born. It's their loss really.

But this is on your BIL, not your SIL. He should be including his family.

Yes, agree but OP sounds like a lovely daughter in law who is involved so its all swing and roundabouts.

My DD sees my PIL more as they live closer and have less grandchildren, so more time etc. Every situation different.

I agree with this. My head was absolutely up my arse for a good couple of weeks after I had my first daughter. I could easily imagine that I wouldn’t have really considered who had held the baby and who hadn’t etc.

But there is absolutely no way that my mum and sister would have sat around and let my MIL wait on us all and not ensure she got some time with the baby. In fact, the two of them fell over each other to make sure they were polite and respectful and equally helpful.

that being said, both sets of parents came to the hospital after I’d had DD (I was in for a few days) and both times my husband kind of made a fuss, making a bit of a thing about each “granny” getting their first hold etc. l wasn’t well enough so he just dealt with it. It was nice.

My parents were dead when I had DS1 I found that very hard because I know how much they would have loved to be grandparents. DH's parents were really excited but lived in Yorkshire. We said (me really) we wanted a couple of weeks to ourselves when the baby was born.
The day he was born I just knew DH wanted them to see him. He rang them and showed them DS1 on a video and I heard myself say 'We're going to be here overnight but if you wanted to pop up and see him...' They were on the train to Newcastle like a shot. Stopped in M and S and bought DH and me a picnic for our tea. Arrived with baby gifts and were just so happy to see Ds and hold him.
I realised I had almost felt they shouldn't have what my mam and dad couldn't have. I've never done it again. By the time we had DD, two years later, they had moved up here (they live 10 minutes walk away) and then we had DS2 3 years later. I don't know what we'd do without them.
They never intrude but do so much to help us and our DC adore them.
We've been out for a walk with them this afternoon along the seafront. I was just thinking that DH and his dad are much the softer of us with the DC and me and MIL are both much firmer 😁.

Your PIL sound lovely. I'd have expected your SIL's DM to have spoken up and said 'Your MIL hasn't had a cuddle yet. It's about time she did.' Not doing that makes her and SIL sound not very nice, as if they were almost enjoying that.

This makes me feel so sad for them. From your post they remind me a lot of my own in laws who are just the most incredible people (seriously, it’s hard to get MIL to just sit down and relax and stop cleaning things/making tea/feeding people - all in the most unobtrusive and respectful imaginable and FIL does a sweep of the house when he arrives and the following day arrives with everything he needs to fix stuff up, stuff that we hadn’t even realised needed fixing. It’s a running joke that he’ll always be late because he’ll be busy fixing something. And then funnily enough when I went into Labour and he was supposed to be taking me to the hospital he was late because he was in b and w buying a new piece of pipe for the sink 😂)
whatever the reason your BIL and SIL have been really unkind and is definitely be encouraging your husband to have a gentle word with them. It could be they’re just all wrapped up in their baby bubble and haven’t even realised how they behaviour has made your parents feel.

YANBU - this sounds similar to the situation with one of my brothers and SIL. She's super close to her mum and sister and my mum was sidelined completely to the point where we weren't invited to niece's 1st birthday family tea party. It's hard and we really felt like we were damned if we did damned if we didn't as if we'd gone round more or asked more we'd have been overbearing but because we gave them space we 'dont care' (funnily enough if we do organise something there's always a reason why they can't make it).
Hopefully your DH will be able to get through to his brother.

All too common I’m afraid. My dd is expecting a baby this year, and has voiced concerns about her mil being overly excited and wanting to come round visiting the minute she’s discharged. I’ve told her she must treat her mil the same way she treats me following the birth. No more, no less. We’re both going to be grandparents. We’re both equal.

I'm so glad your in-laws have you!
Why’s your BiL letting his mum being treated so shoddily? I do agree your BIL sounds a waste of space, and I hate the double standards of one set of grandparents excluding the other family by constantly being present at the house.

That is harsh. It sounds like everything is on the SIL's terms and her family get priority. But the problem is with your BIL who should of made sure his parents got to be just as much a part of it as her family are. It sounds like they were being used for chores and that was it. Both sets of grandparents have always been treated with equal consideration in our house. My mum may have seen more of me at the beginning when I was feeling a bit vunerable and naturally I just needed my own mum around but theres no excuse for blantant favouritism.

Yanbu

tbh I recoiled in horror at the idea of having mil or my own mother round for hours on end after I’d had my babies. I needed space and privacy.

I just applied the same rules to both - they came round for a short period of time, cuddled baby, had cup of tea and went home. IL’s were further away but respected this. MIL made the trip a second time with SIL with dd1. With dd2 they took dd1 out for a bit, which worked perfectly.

The idea of not giving baby to MIL for a cuddle. Who the hell would do that? This is the point of coming round 🤦🏻‍♀️

If I were your MiL I'd be having words with my son, because that's disgraceful behaviour. He has stood by and allowed his parents to be treated like staff. Either he's incredibly thoughtless or incredibly weak. Either way, id be ashamed of him if he were my son. I'm pleased your in laws have a decent son and DiL to compensate a little.