To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

This is so sad ! 😞 The I would never exclude grandparents… of course they want cuddles 🥰

I get the DIL was probably too tired to even notice but the mother and sister should have realised and offered the baby for a cuddle. They sound horrible 😞

🤣🤣🤣

By no backstory I meant there have never been any fallouts, there’s no golden child/scapegoat situation (they’re treated equally to the point of it almost being a running joke).

SIL doesn’t barely know them, she and BIL have been together a long time now and like I said, MIL really has made a lot of effort to have a good relationship with both of us. She and FIL have been good to them, always happy to help out whenever they ask for it, have helped out with their renovation/decorating/DIY, gone and babysat their yappy little shit dog when they’ve gone away etc. It’s just always very one sided.

It’s really not women’s job to manage adult men’s failure to have meaningful relationships with their parents.

@femfemlicious I dont actually get on with my mil. I used to take dd round to visit when she was a baby and toddler. She was her granddaughter so why wouldn't I.
We're all nc with her now but we've never denied access to dd and dd made the decision herself when older to not stay in touch- she was just a very uninterested granny at the end of the day.
The relationship between mil and dd is not my relationship to have and completely separate to my and mil relationship.

Not really, the pil want see the baby. The mum wants to see her baby who has just given birth.

The whole diy thing is cheeky as fuck

I think she should have asked to hold the baby, it’s understandable that she was hesitant to do so as so many people these days seem awkward about their babies being held. However, DIL must have known that of course she would want to hold the baby and should have said here hold your new Granddaughter.

I think it is natural for new mums to be more reliant on their mums but it is unfair to exclude MIL and your dbil is probably a bit to blame here and a quiet word might be a good idea.

BIL is an idiot. His fault. Mean to make PIL feel like second class citizens. Nasty but you hear it all the time. People are brought up to be completely solipsistic. They should have been given their own exclusive time. The worst offender is the BIL though, grow some mate.

By the way if I’m making SIL sound nasty that’s not my intention. She’s a bit kind of ditsy- all 3 of them are. Imagine Stacey and Gwen from Gavin and Stacey, they’re a bit like that.

That is very hard for them. I am lucky to have DDs and we have always been close - they were very generous in sharing the GC cuddles with me! But - and I am very proud of them for this - they were equally generous with their in-laws.

I honestly feel that all this crazy stuff about "bonding" and keeping family away is bonkers. Children are born into families and the more people they have to love them the better. If a relative is coughing and snotting then that is different, but isolation is not needed for bonding.

But that’s your version, OP, as someone who likes and values them, and are married to a man who appears to be close to his parents, which is probably reinforced by the fact that you’re so fond of them.

It’s absolutely possible, sure, that your BIL is just lazy and can’t be bothered, but his experience of growing up in that family may not be the same as your husband’s. Either way, his wife’s relationship with her PILs is highly unlikely to be any warmer than her husband’s, especially as she, unlike you, is clearly very fond of, and close to, her own family.

(In my family, for instance, the golden child is by far the least close to my parents — he was spoiled and indulged (youngest and only boy), and let off all kinds of hooks, and I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that he needs to put the effort in. My parents can’t see that they did this to themselves.)

Your poor PIL, that’s shit.

MIL has told you a lot of detail about the visit though, and it does paint the whole side of that family in a terrible light. Perhaps SIL is aware of MIL doing this and so understandably wants to keep her distance, despite the home cooked lunches etc.

MIL should have asked!It probably never crossed the others minds.What a ridiculous thing to get upset over.

Are all the posters who are saying the MIL should have asked or is being ridiculous mothers of daughters perhaps?

I have a DD (no GC yet) so I have no personal axe to grind I just feel very sorry for the pil.

Aw your poor mil sounds lovely OP.

It's very unfair to treat one grandmother differently than the other. I couldn't stand mine but made sure she was equally included.

They sound thoughtless at best.

Why kind of people don't think a grandparent doesn't want to hold their new grandchild?n

So you are happy to let your friend hold your baby but not your babies actual blood related family. Do you not want the hold to have a relationship with its family?

Bang out of order, my SIL has one set of rules for her side and another for us, ridiculous!

That’s really really sad. I hope they won’t continue to treat her like that!

I'd be having a word with BIL because that's bloody awful behaviour.

Actually if I blamed anyone I'd blame the other GM. She knew perfectly well she'd had time with the baby and would get more, suggesting the other GM gets to hold the baby would be the kind and adult thing to do.

Your sil's mum doesn't sound great either. Letting your mil come round and feed them all then clear away and do jobs all while they're sitting there. Very thoughtless and lazy.
I'm very close to my daughter and granddaughter and spend a lot of time with them since baby's birth, she's 3 now. I also care for her when mum and dad are working. However, when we all get together I always make sure daughter's mil takes the lead with dgd. I try and keep in the background. Unfortunately she doesn't want the same input with dgd which is such a shame.

And people still wonder why people have “gender disappointment” when they know they’re going to be a mother to a son.