To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Sorry I’ve been playing catch up with the all these responses, gosh! I’ll answer a few points-

Yeah maybe I’ve been a bit unkind about their wallpaper choice, but I mean it really is objectively ugly… it’s bright acid orange with this bonkers animal print like something from a magic eye book in the 90’s. But that’s by the by I guess.

The dog was a terrier that never shut up. But it was PTS last year so yeah I admit an unnecessary detail there.

When I described SIL & family as ditsy I truly didn’t mean it as an insult. They’ve got a sort of hippyish vibe to them I guess, and yes I do know that SIL had a textbook delivery because I got a very long blow by blow account of it on WhatsApp, she was thrilled to bits with the home birth and the pool and the hypnobirthing and that she didn’t have to- and I quote- “go through what you went through with all
those stitches” (DS1 was an instrumental delivery & episiotomy).

I’ve made it sound like I don’t like SIL and that’s not the case, we get along fine and actually I like her more than the last gf BIL had before her. BIL I could take or leave, he’s not my type of bloke. No emotional intelligence whatsoever, a bit up himself.

We haven’t been to see them yet as we actually live a fair distance from them as do PILs, but we’re planning to go at Easter.

The cake and knitted things were in no way unwanted- MILs cakes are legendary and she really does knit, crochet and embroider the most gorgeous things- SIL actually put in a couple of requests after seeing some of the bits she’s made for my boys.

When I say about equality being a running joke, I mean it is almost comical. The exact same number of presents for birthday and Christmas, the same number of photos of each of them on the mantelpiece etc etc. I know how a golden child/black sheep dynamic works from experience and it really isn’t at play here. They are devoted to both their sons.

This breaks my heart to read, OP ;(

Many MN will say ‘her baby her choice blah blah‘ but that behavior seems a bit excessively rude, no?

I couldn’t imagine treating my MIL like this.

I always say, the more people to love and dote on my child, the better for them and their development. Wonder when new parents will start wising up to this?

also want to point out, bil should be advocating for his parents too. Unless they are bad people, there’s no reason to treat and watch them be treated this way.

Isn’t it rude to ask???? You always see advice like ‘don’t ask to hold. You’ll be offered a chance if it’s desired’

I agree with this.

My in laws and I are VERY different, but they are wonderful, kind, thoughtful people who raised a loyal, compassionate man whom I chose to procreate with.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m close close to my MIL, but I have included her in life changing events, for example: the birth of her gchild being one of them.

Couldn’t imagine being so rude 😨

This is so sad. I can’t imagine treating my parents and in-laws differently from each other.

Our personal preference was that we couldn’t wait to show off either of our babies with our parents/in-laws and siblings/in-laws. Everyone got a cuddle and a coo. However, neither were traumatic births and I was back home as soon as allowed after having them, 5 hours maybe, and I felt fine and well. With my first we literally went to the in-laws house when he was a few hours old so an elderly relative (a nun) visiting from Ireland could have a cuddle. So glad she was able to as she died shortly afterwards, My parents came second on this occasion. Visitors to us only popped round for tea and biscuits, not a meal.

I understand that it’s their preference and maybe baby’s mum was feeling wobbly or hormonal over the first couple of weeks. I remember that too but didn’t feel that it was only my own mum who’d understand.

I can imagine how hurt they’d feel.

@MumDadBingoBIuey you've put quite a lot of identifying detail in your last post. If they or someone they know stumble across it, this will cause a shit storm. I'd advise you edit out the stuff about the wallpaper and dog at least

Your MIL sounds like a terrible gossip telling you all this in such detail. Do both of you dislike your SIL?

What is this nonsense of calling communication "gossip"? Are people not allowed to talk anymore, even when they're upset?

This is appalling. Your MIL sounds absolutely delightful. I feel so, so sorry for her. And actually really angry on her behalf. “Ditsy” is no excuse. You’d only need half a brain cell between all three of them in that room - SIL / her sister / their Mum - to realise that OF COURSE MIL would like / be desperate for a cuddle. She’s abided by their (batshit / totally selfish) two week rule, literally done ALL the good things to help, and she gets treated like this. It’s actually really cruel, I’m not surprised you’re raging.
I’m super close to my amazing Mum - and she’s here / was here a lot - but every time MIL or anyone else arrived, she’d instinctively hand over the baby as “I see him all the time”.
And those of you saying should have asked”. FFS.
What is it with some people being so totally self-unaware and unempathetic? I have three kids. Each time, all family came to visit and have cuddles within hours of them being born - because it is an incredibly special thing, to meet a tiny relative. And I had the full range of births - from shoulder dystocia / nearly dying - him and me - to planned C section. I might have been in a state, but even then could recognise the importance of those amazing bonds. I hope your SIL - and BIL - do see this actually. And realise how heartless they have been. And spend some time now trying to put things right. Give your MIL a big hug from a random on the Internet. And reassure her it’s most definitely them, not her.

Perhaps SIL finds them easier to be around if she also has her Mum around?

I always did-mind you, so did my husband tbh😂

It sounds as if she is taking her cue of how to treat the from her husband.

If she has always been told that they don't mind, like to be useful who knows?

Perhaps she & her Mum & sister are just as thoughtless as him?

I think so, if you can’t ask to hold your grandchild you’re obviously really not very close at all. My head was like mush for weeks I wasn’t thinking to offer and assumed people would ask if they wanted a cuddle which they did. Different people outside the family

So many people twisting themselves into human pretzels to justify the appalling behaviour of OP's bil, sil and sil's mother!

Exactly the same scenario happened to me and my husband,I feel their pain.
Still happening years later,we don’t get a look in.

Nonsense. And even if the SIL’s head was that degree of mush, surely her Mum or sister would have / could have / should have realised that MIL would dearly love a cuddle? And should have offered to jump up and make coffee / tea / fold laundry saying, “Here - you have her, you must be desperate for a cuddle”. Nasty, nasty people. I genuinely can’t think of a single excuse.

@Harry12345 the mum’s head wasn’t in such a mush she wasn’t able to ask PILs to do jobs.

I’m not saying I agree with what they did, I just find it strange not to ask, I would with my family, also I don’t understand why it’s not ok for one gran to ask but it’s ok for the other gran to offer the baby up for a cuddle, I’m so glad my family are simple and no one’s sitting waiting to be asked.

My head was like mush for weeks I wasn’t thinking to offer and assumed people would ask if they wanted a cuddle which they did

That was your head, and presumably your excuse was new baby fog. That’s not an excuse for either the mother or sister who seemed savvy enough to position it so the MIL was used solely as caterer and skivvy. Nasty.

Yes. It’s ultimately up to the mother who holds the baby and she can offer if she wants to. The mother has bonded with that baby from the moment she has a positive pregnancy test, she has changed her whole lifestyle to keep that baby safe and has birthed that baby. Just because they’re the grandmother doesn’t mean they’re automatically entitled to hold the baby. I also don’t get people’s obsession with holding newborns. It can wait til they get older. They also shouldn’t be passed around to various people in my opinion.

Grandparents holding newborns is natural and nice to me and appears to be in most other cultures, waiting until they’re older to hold baby is odd imo but I suppose we’re all different, there’s no way my mum would’ve needed to wait for me to offer up her grandchild but again I’m lucky how close I am to family

Grandparents have always held babies - that's completely normal. However much people try to pretend otherwise, in order to justify an incredibly rude and dismissive attitudes towards the father's parents.

Honestly, when I had DS, my head was all over the place. I was tired. I wasnt thinking properly.

When I had visitors, they had all asked to hold DS and I didnt have an issue with it.

Maybe next time PILs could ask if they could have a quick cuddle? This can sometimes go over peoples heads especially if there are lots of people visiting at a particular time.

Could PILs even invite them round for dinner one night so there isnt a risk of others being there at the same time?

If I had a baby again, I would probably do the same and have a couple of weeks to myself, however, I do think I would want my mum round from the start as I would be most comfortable around her in a vulnerable state.

I'm very much in favour of allowing new mums a bit of grace to be possessive about holding their baby. I hated anyone holding any of my babies as tiny newborns, it really made me so uncomfortable.

I also think it's natural for a woman to feel more comfortable with her mum than her MIL, and therefore by extension be more comfortable with her mum holding baby than MIL.

However to be so blatant about it in front of MIL, especially one as lovely, helpful, and non-pushy as you've portrayed, is very cruel imo. Poor MIL

I 100% agree with this.

While I do also think it's different when it's your own mum and sister, I don't understand the need to bond as "a little family" [barf] - and the fact that they both sat there (being generous here that they wouldn't be in quite the same emotional state as the mum) and didn't even offer for MIL or FIL to have a cuddle seems mean.

Parents need to - in my very humble opinion - be ready to invite people round and see the baby, but also be ready to ask them to leave after a couple of hours.

Yes! The mental contortions involved in some of these responses!

Giving blow by blow accounts of everyone's exact movements throughout the entire morning? I'm saying that's not a regular conversation, that's a conversation with 2 people bitching / gossiping.

By gossiping I meant taking behind someone's back, probably not the right word to use.