To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

She sounds lovely. How great that your children have such nice grandparents. I’ve got grown up sons and I always treated my PIL the same as my parents. DH has done the same. It’s just the right thing to do and at the back of my mind I had the thought that this was the example we were setting our children . As it turns out so far so good and we do see alot of them and our GC.

I am so sorry - your PiL sound lovely and clearly they were waiting to be asked to hold the baby - how bloody rude of the BiL - can your DH have a chat with him?

Massively taking a lend and being very unkind.

I hope your DH can be a good diplomat and help sort it out.

This, absolutely this ⤴️

I think the silly part of this was that they didn’t ask to hold the baby then got offended when the baby wasn’t offered to them. (Even if they got ‘nicely’ offered about it in private)

Not everyone is obsessed with holding babies or thinks it’s their Devine right to hold a new baby. (Not every baby wants to be held by someone other their primary care giver at two weeks old either)

If a relative came to see the baby but didn’t ask to hold it and spent the whole time looking for any job to do to avoid talking to me or being in the same room as the baby id probably assume they weren’t that fussed about holding it.

Also, plenty of people are able to be happy and supportive of a new parent and pleased about the baby without getting all up in everyone’s grill. I’d be disappointed if someone came across as supportive but ran and complained about me to other relatives.

And two weeks in with a new baby and so many people descending all at once maybe they are too sleep deprived to keep tabs on who has and hasn’t had a ‘turn’ with the baby yet. Did you really do pass the parcel with your first at two weeks?

I had twins and was still able to remember who had a cuddle with them. I absolutely let people cuddle them as newborns and definitely didn’t keep people away for 2 weeks. It’s good for babies to be in contact with others. Babies are born with great immune systems and the more germs they are exposed to the better their immune systems get, plus they are less likely to get things like allergies, hay fever, eczema, asthma.

Yes the BIL is at fault but I know if that had been my mother she would have had a word in my ear to tell me to offer my MIL a hold of the baby and she wouldnt have let her make lunch and clear up without helping either.

what a bloody cliche that SIL family are treated differently to BIL'S but hes allowed it to happen

It’s a chicken-and-egg thing though isn’t it? OP is seeing the wallpaper and the dog - on which she might have withheld her judgement before - through the prism of her SIL/BIL’s poor treatment of her in-laws.

I just don’t think there’s any justifying the SIL/BIL’s behaviour here (and I say that as someone with a non-existent relationship with my in-laws).

I have a few thoughts. Two things can be true at once, your mil can be a wonderful presence in your life and can be a negative in your sister and brother in law’s.

One thing that jumps out at me is the level of detail of your pil’s grievances given to you by mil. You say she is trying to pretend she isn’t hurt but has given you a laundry list of grievances, that is the opposite of pretending not to be hurt.

It’s designed for you to get upset on their behalf and so that you or DH will have words to the couple so she doesn’t have to have a confrontation or a difficult conversation herself.

Any therapist worth their salt would caution your Mil to bide her time and then talk to her son herself, rather than sow discord between family members or siblings. It was very inappropriate which makes me wonder if she has form for this sort of behaviour.

Your sister in law is getting a lot of the blame, she is only responsible for her relationships with her blood family and he his. Her family are there to support their sister/daughter rather than just the baby.

From your op he doesn’t have a particularly close relationship with them. There may well be good reasons for this that you aren’t privy to.

Different siblings can have different childhoods, my and my brother had vastly different childhoods, he was the favourite and I wasn’t (this wasn’t just my perception, various family members and family friends were well aware of this).

This is the same in my partner’s family. His brother is the golden child because he compliant, he still lives at home and lives the life his parents want him to (conservative traditional and small). His girlfriends were/are always treated better than me because dp isn’t the favourite.

His mother while nice to me in company was a vicious bitch to me once alone, so I kept her at arms length. Like your mil she went and told her sad tale to other family members who put pressure on dp/us to let her be more involved.

Our ivf journey, my pregnancy and the first year of our child’s life were poisoned by her, the nasty things she did and her manipulative behaviour peddling sad stories that didn’t involve her revealing her own appalling behaviour that lead to the coolness in our relationship.

Thankfully she was caught out in her own lies and some spectacularly nasty things she said to me when she thought she wouldn’t be overheard were overheard by a third party. I was vindicated, but until then im sure my bil’s girlfriend, and dp’s aunts, uncles and cousins all thought I was the devil incarnate.

This may not be the case, but at the very least your mil didn’t have a close relationship with your bil (or sil) pre baby. The relationship with a grandchild is through the parents, perhaps this should have been resolved before the baby arrived, but I can tell you, if your DH has words with BIL complaining about pils treatment and it upsets BIL or especially sil they may well find them having no relationship with their granddaughter at all.

As a mother to boys and your own poor relationship with your parents (I’m sorry your parents weren’t great, neither were mine and I always hoped I’d marry into a nice family but sadly didn’t) I think gently you are allowing that to cloud your judgement in this issue. I would stay out of it and caution your DH to as well.

I don’t think anyone should ever ask to hold a baby. Contrary to other posters thoughts, I find it very rude. People should wait to be offered- that’s if they are. I agree though that it can’t be different rules for her parents and his parents.

also will add to my previous post, re-reading your posts you say it’s a running joke that both brothers are treated the same. My pils joke the exact same thing, whilst also have a favourite son all the same.

When you have a newborn you can be really tired and preoccupied. I don’t get what’s wrong with a little ‘ooh can I have a cuddle?’ Not everyone is able to pick up on these social cues if people don’t spell their wants out. Though their son could have sorted them out with one I guess. Also it feels a little wrong they’re slagging off one DiL behind her back to the other DiL

I agree. But I also find it plain weird that a Grandparent, on either side, wouldn't just be given the baby to hold the first time they ever met them! I recently had our home videos made to digital and got to relook at every single one of our parents meeting all our children and the things they said to them were absolutely beautiful. Two of them are now dead and my children LOVE those videos.

I felt so sad for your PIL reading that OP

It’s rude for a grandmother to ask to hold their grandchild?

Probably on here as that one seems common , mums family can be involved but not dads. Then in 5 years there on here moaning there inlaws don’t spend much time with them or there children and wonder why.
very unreasonable, but then i don’t get all this 2 weeks at home no visitors at all when all went well etc and a lot of the preciousness people seem to have nowadays around babies and giving birth , something women have been doing for years.
Also don’t think they needed to ask can i hold baby, a quick do you want to hold and also they must know them and know they want to hold baby and were desperate for visit etc.

An unspoken desire is a premeditated resentment. Being straightforward and asking to hold her grandchild would have been far more respectful than not asking, then speaking about her DiL behind her back

Frankly you have no idea whether she had complications or not. Had I had my way, the details of my long, difficult labour and birth would never have been shared with my in-laws. Maybe your BIL is better at keeping his mouth shut than my DP was. The fact her mother and sister were both there suggests things may not be going as swimmingly as you assume. Or maybe your in-laws have a different relationship with your BIL & SIL, and the new mother wanted her family there as support.

I’d be concerned that your in-laws are loading the bullets for you to fire into the two of them. Be careful not to become flying monkeys.

Newborns don’t go stale, perhaps let the new family settle into this huge life adjustment before jumping to conclusions.

Could you not call SIL and explain the PILs are upset?

Have you been to visit yet @MumDadBingoBIuey

Don’t do this OP. It’s a dreadful idea and will push them further away.

At least your MIL got a lovely DIL in you, OP.

Really she needs to ask? Maybe submit a 6 page form ahead and complete a background check?