To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Not law sil has produced a grandchild which has part of their blood. if she alienates her inlaws and don't allow them to form a bond with their gardparents it's doesn't paint her in good light and it's not very nice. op is saying their is no back story and sounds like in laws bent over backwards to help them.they are not strangers they are the child's grandparents. brother in law was a stranger when sil met and they built a relationship stronhg enough to produce a child. there are toxic family relationships on both sides sometimes but that is not sounding like this in this case. own mothers can be toxic too. its really really bad form that if there is not toxicity etc that they are not working on a relationship with in law grandparents

we have no means of knowing if MiL is so kind to SiL as she is to OP,

We do actually. It’s all there in the OP.

This seems to happen quite a lot. We put so much on the mum and baby, but not so much dad and baby. It leads to the mother’s family being more involved. I feel for them as well OP, but let’s hope this is just a blip and I wouldn’t do anything increase ill feeling. To be fair, it’s also pretty normal to want to be around your own family at what can be a tricky time of adjustment and perhaps there have been health issues that they haven’t been open about. It was striking to me that new dad was off “watching the rugby” during this visit with FIL. IMO, he could have been more involved and proactively introduced his mum into having more of a role here. I would question whether this guy is being of much help to her and if not, that might explain why her family is around a lot to help.

My SIL was like this. Seems to be a thing now. Told my parents they weren't welcome for first 2 weeks. Then Covid hit, so she didn't get any visitors for the baby for over 6 months, which she seemed perfectly happy about although they were gutted.

She produced their child without the PiLs assistance, hopefully! Id be worried if they actually took an active part in baby making.
So now, she owes them nothing.
OP is partial, we only have her side of the story. She has a good relationship with PiLs, does not mean the brother and SiL do too.
Im sure my MiL thought she was brilliant when I had my first, she wasnt 😂It took us months to sort things out and we're good now and both more chilled, but beginnings were hard. So I understand both sides- maybe SiL is a total bitch who has no respect for a kind person, or maybe MiL did something that even OP is not aware of or is blind to. Maybe knitting billions of clothes and blankets was unwanted, some people prefer to get all the stuff themselves and SiL thought it was a bit much, maybe she has other reasons to dislike MiL. The bottom line is, grandparents as such dont have special rights, parents get to decide and it's none of OPs business really who gets to hold someone else's baby, hurtful it may be to the PiLs.

I feel very sad for your in-laws. I'm a gran myself and the moment you get to hold that tiny little grandchild is so precious! What happened really isn't fair on any grandparent!

Assuming this is your Dh’s brothers baby? Then would your DH be able to liaise with his bro and ask what the situation is? Sounds like MIL is very respectful which is nice.. and I deffo think she should have been invited to have a cuddle. Gosh, even despite me not being the biggest fan of my MIL .. she was invited to the hosp post C section as one of the first lot of people to cuddle our first born as I knew just how excited she was - even though she has other grand babies this was our first and her first born sons first! I would have never denied her seeing baby

This is so sad. The poor Mil and Fil. How could they treat them
like this. I think they need to phone the son and say how hurt they are. It’s awful.

This is ridiculous. Did they ask to hold the baby??? I’ve never known this not to be the norm to ask the visitors if they want to hold the baby. Never ever ever.

So they won't be doing them any more favours, will they??

They have pushover written on their faces, and your BIL is happy to take advantage of that

that's the joys of mumsnet we only hear one side of it. but I have to disagree with you that's parents get to decide and noting to do with op. it's part of ops family and its doing damage to the family. yes they weren't there at the conception but it's their grandchild too.
I have spoken before on this forum and on this thread aswll about as to how we are going through similar. this is from a women that has lived across the road practically most of her life. she started going out with my brother nearly 20.years ago. she in and out fo our house for years sometimes every day. she has been a main figure in our celebration all.family events and at funerals. she is not a stranger. and to see her aswell as my bother - dunno who is leading it( and like the op we dont see what its behind closed doors ) treat them the way they have done since baby has been born is shocking. the constant stream of visitors pics up on insta etc is hurtful. even recently my own mother had to sit listening, while she was in the hairdresers , to my sil mother the other side of room constantly show pics of baby the different stages of where the baby is at . it's very very very hurtful. marriage is hard work and so is parenting it requires compromises and working on things. when children come into play you have to be the grown up and work on both sides for relationships. my own sis is not a lover of her own mother in law she lives next door to her. however from day one she made sure to allow them to visit and ensure that they got to see the grandkids aswell as my own mother. now her kids at 5 years of age have good relationships with both sets of grandparents and both sets help out as much they can.

That is just so sad, your in laws sound like nice people. SIL’s mother should have had a bit of cop on too. Jesus to be fed and watered by your mother in law and then not let her hold her grandchild. Your PIl are very lucky to have you as a daughter in law.

I’m in two minds here due to having an awful relationship with my PILs and I honestly hate spending time with them so I can understand asking for a period of no visitors…. However your MIL DOES sound lovely and the fact she went over with lunch, cleared up after and took clothes to the tumble dryer ect shows that she was respecting the new mum by not expecting to be “hosted” so I do think it was extremely mean to not let them have a hold and cuddle with the new baby.
Passing baby to her mum so she could eat was kind of understandable but you would expect at some point during the visit for SIL to ask if they wanted to hold the baby. So I have to think that SIL and BIL are rude.

saying that I do have to agree with other posters that people have different relationships with their in-laws so just because you think your PILs are lovely doesn’t mean your BiL & SIL have the same opinion. You don’t have to have a fall out to not like your in-laws.

either way I think your husband could reach out to his brother and mention their mum really enjoyed the visit but had been a little disappointed not to be able to hold the baby and looks forward to seeing them all again soon. I wouldn’t “have a go” as this could annoy them both (and cause issues going forward) and they may feel the in-laws we’re talking behind their back, but also highlights that they would like the opportunity to hold the baby and perhaps BIL could ask them if they want a hold next visit.

Aw, I feel badly for your PIL's. The father should have made more of an effort, letting his mum hold the baby, and even taking a photo to mark the occasion. The other MIL should have made an effort as well.

We have the good news that we also became grandparents this week! Baby was born late Tuesday, and I waited until Thursday afternoon to pop over to the hospital for a 10 minute visit. I met DIL's Mum in the hallway just as I was leaving, gave her a big hug in congrats, since it's her first grandchild (our 5th!). I didn't even ask to pick up baby since he was sleeping in his cot.

On Friday after work we called and went over to son and DIL's for another quick visit, this time with DH; it was his first visit. My son was changing the baby when we got there, so i had the chance to swaddle the babe with his blanket and held him for a while. They were very gracious, and it was a nice visit.

While I know that a DIL will always be closer to her own mum, both grand-mums have a lot of love and knowledge to give and should always be treated with love.

@Wexone I recognise it may be hurtful and wont dispute that.

But...
OP seems a bit bitter everyone was told to stay away but the Sils mother and sister were invited as if this was somehow terrible, while it's totally understandable the new mum wants to be surrounded with people SHE finds supportive, not people whom OP finds supportive. SiL had a right to include whoever she wanted in her own 'little family', this is no OPs business and yet she comments on it.

I am just saying the parents are the only people who should decide about the baby, no one should take that agency from them, even if parents are arseholes about it. The moment you have a baby or even get pregnant every man in town and their dog has an opinion what you should eat, when and who has a right to visit you, kiss your baby and hold it. SiL and OPs husbands bro dont really need to compromise on anything- if they want the PiLs in their lives that is. The ahole move was to have the MiL serve everyone and being inconsiderate (the other mother could have helped out, but didnt)- and this should be addressed as such, not holding the baby or not as such. Bringing cakes no one asked for or knitting a blanket someone may not have wanted does not give staight rights to cuddle someone else's baby.

I give the SiL a benefit of the doubt as having the first baby is always a big big thing and some mothers feel they need to ascertain their 'territory' as they navigate their ways through the early days of motherhood, and this is absolutely fine, we should not be taking this agency away from them. I think her reaction may be because of all the things you are fed as expecting mother about doing things 'the right way' and her mother may be in tune with that. SiL trusts her own mother not to take over, maybe she does not trust MiL who may have been a bit too excited about the first girl in family. Hopefully some time down the line she will look back and reflect on this and they will be able to fix the relationship.

Yes that’s shitty behaviour. Your poor MIL ☹️. She shouldn’t need to ask. It’s bad enough she’s had to wait 2 weeks !

Very inconsiderate indeed! Sounds like they have an army of slaves with their family and expect the same from in laws. How nice but also how entitled, ordering people about! They need a lesson in manners and gratitude.

This!

but the sil is willing to accept the meals prepared her mother in law cleaning and tidying and father in law doing DIY? ibut only allow her own mother etc to be the ones cooing and holding the baby etc. no sorry that's not right. and that's hurtful. yes parents have the right to navigate their own way etc but treat every one fairly and with respect. unfortunaly as time goes along more damage is done to the relationship people won't forget and won't be repaired. something I see happening in our own family and as people say in a few years time the sil will be possible here moaning as she has no help from in laws and they don't seem to have a relationship with grandkids

I find this really sad. Especially because her mum and sister have been there the whole time supposedly helping. So really there should havr been nothing for MIL to do other than hold the baby.

I would forgive SIL as she has probably got into a routine of handing baby over to mum or sister after feeds and she will be sleep deprived and not be able to think clearly. But her own mother and sister should have thought to offer to give MIL a turn.

That’s really sad, your poor PIL.

My PIL were a pain in the backside when I had DS1, turning up every day when we were back from hospital for cuddles, they never brought anything or offered help, made it clear they were uncomfortable when I was BFing and I vividly remember the day DS1 was 6 days old, DH helping his DF with a job application form while I ran around like a blue arsed fly making teas and coffees with my sore foof.

When DS2 came along we’d wised up and said we wanted a couple of weeks to bond as a family. HOWEVER, we still offered both sets of grandparents a visit for cuddles in the first few days. Even after my PIL’s annoying behaviour first time round!

Ok sorry- I thought it would be clear but will clarify to aid comprehension.
Guests should visit with the intention of helping the new parents. The mother might feel comfortable letting them hold the baby and might not, depending on how close she is to the guests.

What a load of cock, OP is close to PIL, it's normal to ask about the new baby and how the visit went. PIL are hurt as they were treated as unpaid help without once being asked if they would like to hold their new granddaughter.

You refer to their wallpaper being "fucking ugly", call their dog a "yappy little shit" and say that SIL and her mum and sister are "ditzy".

But there's no backstory there...

I say this even as a mother of girls- that was very rude. They are grandparents too,
To not even allow them a little time with the baby is wrong. Unless there is some massive subtext here that we are missing.