To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Even if you dislike your in-laws, it's massively rude to invite them and then treat them like staff and not even offer a cuddle of the baby.
Invite them or not, but dont let them wait on you, buy you gifts, bring you food and then treat them like this!

So sad, OP. And how unbelievably mean that the DiL or the other granny didn’t offer a cuddle. 😢

Apologies Safety freak, I meant the parents in law sound lovely.

My PIL visited me as soon as they could get in the door after my ds was born, over 20 years ago now. My mum already had two grandchildren. DS was their first gc.

I found that visit tough on some levels as I was determined to bf and it was really hard for the first few weeks. But I sucked it up and they have been the most amazing PIL ever since. It's a two-way generosity IME. Her face when she held DS for the first time was, no exaggeration,one of the greatest moments of my life. I love her so much, we are very different people but our love and respect has grown over the decades because we both have had to accomodate each other.

Our relationship is amazing now - I feel as if we've both earnt it. Relationships are hard work. It's got to be give and take.

she not a stranger she is family she became that when she married her son. aswell as that sil is allowing mother in law to come into her house cook meals clean house while father in law does DIY. so if she good enough for that she good enough to hold the baby. Once grandchildren come into the world if they have two sets of grandparents yoi that them the same and build a relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.

Your post just made me well up @Allshallbewell2021. Especially the bit about your Mil’s face. Just lovely.

I think it's really sad some mums are like this. See it on here and in Facebook groups. These in laws sound really lovely and helpful, I understand not wanting to host people but that isn't what happened here. No good reason not to let the in laws have a baby cuddle (I do think maybe she should have asked though)

I wanted my own mother around more than my mil when I had a baby, I think most women do.
However my in laws came to the hospital and my mum was there when they arrived and she left the room I was in so my in laws could meet thier grandchild and have thier time and cuddles.

Your sil sounds inconsiderate.

@Wouldyouguess she isn't a stranger to the baby - she's as much their grandmother as the mum's mum is! I think a few dil's could do with remembering this fact, when keeping their in-laws from visiting.
And in-laws also have a duty to be considerate - don't stay for hours or turn up uninvited.

While I may not have been close to my own mil and a lot of what my in-laws did was less than ideal, they did love my children and my children loved them and kids can never have too many people to love them.

I’m not a stranger to either my DDIL nor my grandson.

I’ve known my DDIL for 8yrs. It’s not like she walked into my life the week before she gave birth. We’ve been on holidays together, had days out, stayed in each other’s houses etc. Obviously I’m not as close to her as she is to her own mum, however it speaks volumes about someone who thinks of their MIL, and their children’s grandmother, as a stranger.

I adore my own MIL. She’s not perfect, but she absolutely loves the bones of my children and they love her too. Our DGS is named after FIL, who can be a bit of a cantankerous old devil however our children adore him so that’s all that matters to me. My PILs are very elderly, and ailing, and it makes me cry when I think of them not being here anymore. I’m so grateful that they’ve been in my life. They’re certainly no strangers and I hope my DDILs never think me and DH are either.

I think this is unreasonable of your BIL and SIL, but in no universe should your DH be getting involved. Stay out of it.

I would love to know the conversation between bil and sil before their arrival.

Since bil only seems interested when they have something he needs or what’s or wants help with. I’m going to say I wouldn’t be too surprised if he told his wife that his parents were coming round to help him get some bits done no mention of baby etc so then maybe sils got a little hump too. Well if they cnba to visit just because of the baby then sod them, let them get on with the chores.

Or did she just not think to offer a cuddle and nor did the bill and now it’s a big issue because nobody offered or asked.

Blossomtoes, thank you. I think I've learned that making a bigger family and growing into a new unit needs everyone to be a bit flexible and versatile, omelettes - eggs - it's hard to make an amazing and new collective of people while trying to rigidly control the behaviour of other individuals. It's really hard to do but there is so much to gain all round.

If parents put lots of restrictions on grandparents, and create a two tier system where one set are obviously favoured over the other, they can't get the hump later on if grandparents don't form deep bonds with the dc or maintain some distance in order to protect their own emotions and state of mind. Or if said gps leave all their money to the kids they do see and have bonds with!

I bet the other grandmother was feeling pretty smug. How unkind not to take herself off and giver your in laws some time with the baby. Cow.!

How odd that you think another woman needs to somehow compensate for an adult man’s failure to make an effort with his family.

Oh behave! She must be totally lacking in empathy and kindness not to think that the other grandma might like a cuddle with the baby.

How odd that you can’t see why a woman shouldn’t have a bit of empathy.

A bit less female ‘empathy’ for male incompetence and laziness, and we’d be living in a better world.

No we wouldn’t. It would be an utter nightmare because they certainly wouldn’t improve. Anyway it was another woman who failed to hand the baby over.

You said, "guests are there to help out not cuddle the newborn." Now it is "the mother really wanted and felt comfortable with them being there." Any more changes?

It can be worse than that, I can recall the smirk on the face of the woman I share GC with when she was sitting with baby and I was allowed to deliver presents and leave. Don't underestimate some GMs.

I'm sure she is furious that his relationship with his mother and stepfather broke down and he lives with me. He's a bit big to cuddle though. I won't sink to her level and always remind him to get her birthday/Christmas cards and to phone her from time to time.

I like my MiL and very greateful for her, but we have nowhere the same amount of affection for each other as she has with her own daughter or me with my mum- she has been a stranger to me before we met and my mum has been in my life since forever, this is what I mean. You can go and be condescending to somoene else. There are toxic MiLs out there, do you also thin it speaks volume of their DiLs if they dont want to eep in touch with them?
You project your situation on OPs SiL, but we have no means of knowing if MiL is so kind to SiL as she is to OP, or whether there have been things in the past that ruined this relationship. At any rate, there is no law forcing SiL to have any form of relationship with the MiL (or anyone else for that matter)- sadly or not. It's her baby and she and her husband get to decide what they want. PiLs have a right for their own input if they are happy with this situation and see each other less if needed be.

Your poor PIL! they sound mean

I don't understand this attitude. I let any family or friends who wanted to cuddle my babies.