To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Really inconsiderate and unfair to the other granny and grandad.

Skivvying around while everyone else was fussing the baby.

Mother of sons are more likely to be 'Pushed out' when sons marry into another family {seen it happen}- Hopefully your sons will fight your corner when they are adults so you and your husband aren't ''left out'' like this.

{I only have a son, too!}.

No-one is talking about a distressed baby give over. Just a regular fourth trimester one who wants his or her safe place.

It's a very different relationship between a woman who has just given birth, and her own mum. Than it is with the MIL.

I remember being SO excited to see my own mum after having my two, and fairly neutral about the MIL coming. I think that's quite normal.

Your parents should have asked. There was nothing to stop them using their words.

I have an extremely distant relationship with my in-laws, made immeasurably worse by a total lack of any enthusiasm or interest in my pregnancies. They didn’t lift a finger to help us when they met their first grandchild (or indeed on any other visit); MIL’s gift to me was something she openly admitted was something someone else had given her that she didn’t want.

There is still no way I would have made them ask to hold their grandchild.

I was in for a week and I did not once see a member of staff pick up a crying baby. And there were plenty! The staff were excellent, I would not expect them to pick up crying babies. It was also an NHS midwife who told me that others shouldn’t be cuddling/ comforting your baby.

That does seem sad. Your in-laws sound like lovely helpful people (if only we were all so lucky!) and unless there's some huge backstory of overstepping then I think it's a real shame.

That said, I had a really hard time handing my baby over to my MIL, a really visceral reaction, which hasn't actually really gone away and my DC is now a toddler. I just wanted to grab her and run away, MIL triggered my instinctive fight or flight in a way I've never experienced before. BUT we already had a fairly tricky relationship and my MIL was very grabby, refused to give the baby back when crying / tried to take her from my arms as I was trying to sooth her, would always run off with her to another part of the house, and said baby was going to ask to go live with her instead of us. So although I know the problem of my feelings is mine to deal with, I think it was probably at least somewhat understandable! Doesn't sound like this was the situation in your case though.

It always baffles me why paternal grandparents are second rate.

Unless there's more immaculate conceptions about than I realised of course.

No one is asking a new mother to not want or need her own mum. Just to realise the grandparents have equal feelings for the grandchildren.

How awful. Your husband needs to have a word with his brother. And your sil mum and sister sound no better by not passing the baby over. When are you and your family allowed 🙄 to meet the baby

Why ? what makes you say your own mother is more child focused than your mother in law ? what makes you say your mother in law is nit child focused
it doesn't matter if she doesn't get on with her mother in law or not. she has brought a child into the world that has grandparents on both sides of the family and unless their is abuse etc she treats them both the same. if she finds that they have no isnterwt etc then reduce contact but no when born treat everyone fair and square.

@LovelyTheresa the thing is, while it's natural to feel closer to your own family than to your in-laws, to the child, both sides of the family are equally important. The baby is the grandchild of both sets of parents and it should be irrelevant to the child's relationship with their gps that mum prefers her own mum etc.

In an ideal world, that is what would happen. In real life, that is rarely the case. The only person I know who was closer to her paternal grandmother than her maternal had lost her maternal at a very young age.

The no visitors for 2 weeks to 'bond as a family ' is utter crap and very selfish! I wouldnt want to go if they are like that!

Honestly, anyone who thinks that their feelings about seeing the new arrival outweighs the new mom's needs has lost the plot. It's not about them.

Everyone wants to talk about moms speaking up for what they need and setting boundaries post-partum, and then when they do it people call them selfish. It's impossible to do motherhood right.

I’m all for new mums setting boundaries but if that is the case then I don’t see how this new mum’s needs were met by sitting and watching her mum and sister hold the baby the entire time but not suggesting PIL have a hold?

As a new grandmother, I feel quite sad for your MiL. Fortunately, my DS and DiL are keen that both sets of grandparents are treated equally.

I was specifically responding to the comment calling new parents who don't want visitors early on being "selfish."

Christ, I’d kill to have in laws like that. They can come and cuddle my (grubby) children anytime ! Your BIL/SIL don’t know how truly fucking lucky they are. Neither set of our parents have a shit when me and DC were almost dying in hospital, let alone doing the dishwasher and bringing meals!

I wanted two weeks of bonding after I had my
first child, but the exception was for Grandparents. I obviously felt a lot more
comfortable with my own Mum, but I’d never treat my MIL that way and she was very welcome to cuddle her Grandchild.

Very odd that they asked MIL to do all the manual bits whilst SILs family held the baby. I’d feel absolutely awful if I could see my MIL itching to hold her Grandbabes and I just instead asked her to clean my kitchen.

But some new parents do have rules that seem completely logical to them, but not so much from an outsiders perspective. If your SIL has another, she’ll be pretty much throwing the baby into your MILs arms 😂 and will be doing the cleaning herself for 5 minutes ‘peace’.

Your SIL is a twat.

Hopefully as the weeks pass SIL willl ease up a bit. I was horrendous to pretty much everyone when my baby was new born. I hated anybody except my DH and mum holding them. Irrational and mean, I know!

Oh this post made me feel so sad for your MIL. How can 3 adults sit there and not one of them think to say, "Would you like to hold the baby?" It sounds as though they may be taking their lead from your somewhat disengaged BIL. He doesn't have to badmouth his parents necessarily but it must be obvious that he's not interested in them unless it's for their fixit capabilities and the others seem to be following suit. The DIY/clean up would have been a good juncture at which to ask for a quick cuddle, "Yes, happy to sort xyz for you. Maybe I should get my baby cuddle in first before I get grubby, if that's ok?" But I can see they were trying to be sensitive and didn't want to appear pushy.

Just thoughtless and so casually cruel. Poor lady. She sounds like the most wonderful MIL OP, you are very lucky indeed!

Yes, it’s shit. Then in a few years we will have the SIL here in Mumsnet whinging that her husbands parents aren’t falling over themselves to babysit at beck and call after being treated like shit until it suits them. Common occurrence.

I do think the in-laws need to find their voices a bit. I get not wanting to overstep but it's a bad idea to say nothing when people are obviously treating them badly.

If this carries on, at some point they have to discuss with their son what kind of relationship he wants with them and to make it clear that they are not service humans, whose sole purpose is to do him favours! That they are his parents and deserving of his love, respect and consideration!
I honestly believe that people take it utterly for granted when other people become too accommodating and eager to please them. The best way forward is to withdraw a little bit, be a bit unavailable for fixing/cleaning.

I'm going to reserve judgement here. Had the ILs actually asked to visit sooner? I wonder if BIL has always been the black sheep of the family? I strongly suspect that there's more to this.

One of my DC was premature and in ICU, grandparents were allowed to visit but they declined as they were 'busy' with house decorating. They eventually visited but of course I wasn't offering my prem baby to them when they had shown no previous interest. DC are all now teens snd the ILs have never offered to babysit or anything (suits me), but my point is dear knows what they're telling others.

Your posts are unkind towards them OP (eg bitchy comment about their dog), it was unkind of mil to give all that detail about the visit.

I suspect SILs view of these people is very different to yours, perhaps because of issues with your own family.

No, she does not have to treat them both the same, one is her own mother she had known her whole life and the other is a stranger that happens to be her husband's mother. Mil may have a great relationship with op, but we have no clue if this is the case with Sil, maybe OPs husband is the golden child and maybe the other brother does not have a great relationship with his parents. All of this is unknown. Ofc maybe Sil is a bitch. Who knows.